And since Lindsay Lohan can't restrain herself to just one public bitchfest per week, we bring you news of her verbal sparring match with Danny Masterson. Wait, who's he again? That one guy from Malcolm in the Middle? No, that's his brother. He's greasy, always scowls, loves L. Ron like Whitney loves her crack pipe, dates that one skeezy bitch. Taryn Manning? No. Brittany Murphy? No. Oh, yeah, Bijou Phillips. How could we forget Bijou, queen on the skanks? Sorry, girl, you knows we luvs ya. Oh, and he was on That '70s Show. And we don't mean B.J. and the Bear.  

• FemaleFirst reports that Nicole Kidman used "the F-word". Oh, but they meant "fiancé!" Awwwww, ha ha ha ha, that was so clever! You really had us going there, FemaleFirst!

• Debra Wilson from Mad TV shows off her comedic chops. And by "comedic chops" we mean "tits".

• Barbra Streisand gets on the guest list at your local Loews.

• Carmen Electra hates herself for lovin' Joan Jett. Can't break free from the things that she . . . doan . . . dett? Eh, we suck.

• Janice Dickinson: genius of our time.

• Elle MacPherson loves to have loads and loads of casual sex. Just not with you. You fat loser.

• Light-filled goddess from heaven Mandy Moore denies cherry-poppage at the hands and wang of Fez. Wouldn't you?

• Is J. Lo preg. o?

• Speaking of cherries, The Virgin Adriana Lima is a punchy little firecracker. We got a little something that would chill her right out. Yeeeeah, that's right. A little somethin' in our pants, if you dig what we're saying. It's a packet of chamomile tea and a fizzy bath bomb in our pocket. They're great for de-stressing!  

• Maggie Gyllenhaal's been impregnated by, and is now engaged to, Peter Sarsgaard. Congrats, Gaardhaal.

• We told you about Sienna Miller supposedly being snapped doing some career-threateningly embarrassing cavorting at a VF party. Here are the pics. BFD.

• Kristanna Loken: if you're Loken for an upskirt shot, you've found one.

• Jennifer Love Hewitt says that Fez is a dirty liar and that she absolutely did not take a ride on his baloney pony.

• Keri Russell, NAKED in a magazine. However, it's Vanity Fair, so there's no real Felicity felititty.

• Women want Kelly Brook's body. They want her body baaad.

• Paris Hilton shows off her sultry pipes. And for once, we're not talking about her poon chasm.

• That little girl from Pete and Pete is now a plumber.

• Mariah Carey's foxy ex-boyfriend upgrades to Cindy Crawford. She's planning on leaving her husband and moving into her new love's refrigerator box in Shantytown, USA.  

Our morning began with a veritable Wilmer Valderrama-rama of sexy proportions. Like most men who are insecure, Wilmer feels the need to brag about his sexual conquests and to measure his weiner obsessively, then crow about it like he's the second coming of Tommy Lee. But unlike most men, he spilled the pervy beans on satellite radio.

Full ratings and terse summaries of Fez's past stable of famous schtup puppets after the cut.  

It's finally happened, folks. Lindsay Lohan has cycled through all the men in Hollywood (and, apparently, professional snowboarding) and had to start over at the beginning. Luckily she used her better judgment and skipped over Aaron Carter this time. Or maybe she's just really frightened that Hilary Duff will come neighing after her and take a big chunk out of her flesh with those floor tiles Hil calls teeth.  

It's been a while since we've heard tales of Wilmer Valderrama putting the moves on disagreeable teen starlets; for a minute there, we thought maybe he'd lost his velvet touch with the young, famous, and bratty. We just caught wind, however, of a tale involving one Ashlee Simpson driving a half hour to pay a midnight visit to his trailer on a movie set. Welcome back, Fez.  

Like a sleazy, skank-sniffing divining rod, Wilmer Valderrama's wang twitches at the first sign of any available teen starlet with a penchant for guzzling vodka and a dearth of self-esteem. Its latest victim may be Ashlee Simpson.  

What will happen when top-heavy teen tyrant Lindsay Lohan discovers her fresh ex, That '70s Show's Wilmer Valderrama, is back with former flame Mandy Moore? Will her head whirl around like a Sit 'n Spin while her eyes glow like two angry coals? Will she go on a screeching rampage and crash her car again? Will her gargantuan breasts explode in anger?  

A moment of silence, please, for the love between Lindsay Lohan and boyfriend Wilmer "Fez" Valderrama. Lost. Forever. Let's all hold hands.