• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

• Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

• Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

• Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

• Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

• Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.  

It's been fourteen long years in the making, but Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are finally Splitsville. No word yet in regards to the cause of the breakup, but in situations like this, it's usually because one of them got clean. And seeing how Whitney's been appearing in public with her wig on straight while wearing weather-appropriate clothing, we're banking on her. Congrats!  

When you were in sixth grade, you turned on MTV and saw Adam Curry introduce "an exciting new artist" named Whitney Houston. On your screen appeared a beautiful woman in a flouncy tiered bubble skirt, her spiral corkscrew extensions bobbling and floating as her warm, rich, five billion octave voice reached out to you like so many musical tentacles and awakened a new, special feeling "down there". Guess what? The same thing happened to Osama bin Laden.

Didn't we almost have it Allah?  

Remember when you were in junior high and there was that rumor going around (no, no, not the one about Danny Wood from the New Kids getting 3 gallons of semen pumped out of his stomach) about Whitney Houston having an affair with Kelly McGillis? And you, in your Gotcha! t-shirt and Brittania jeans, were all, "That pretty lady from Top Gun and the girl who sings 'I Wanna Dance with Somebody'? EW!" These days, you might not be so "ew", especially since Whitney's preference for the fairer sex might just be true. Only instead of willowy blonde Kelly McGillis, picture Whitney with a crack ho named Precious who gives $3 hj's down at the bus station. Yeah, you're welcome.  

Beware, little children: If you work really, really hard to evolve from your local gospel choir to garishly colored videos on MTV requiring eighteen cans of Aquanet per performer, then transition yourself into an "actress" who gets to swoon over pre-Waterworld, pre-happy endings Kevin Costner, there will be a downside. You will soon meet up with a former boybander and be led down the fiery path to crack-addiction hell and your bathroom will look like this:



Oh, if only Whitney Houston had married that nice Ralph Tresvant instead!  

• Apparently, you can steal cars and shoot heroin and get arrested 20 times a month and yet never see the inside of a jail cell. We're totally moving to the UK. It's like Eden, or Honah-Lee. Only with more crack.

• Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?

• The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.

• Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.

• A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!

• Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.

• Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.

• Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.  

We all know that Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston are double-dipped in crazy, so what's it like growing up with the doody bubbles as your parental figures? Apparently it causes you to accept MySpace as your personal friend and confidante.  

When the first decade of the 21st century draws to a close who will you think of as the most devastating celebrity de-coupling? Brad and Jen? Nick and Jessica? The Hoff and anonymous blonde? No, we're guessing your five-years-from-now self will be the most torn up over Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.  

Obviously Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are way too comfortable with their bodily functions. Not only do they freely talk about the various things coming out of their asses, they do in front of television cameras. But then we can’t poop unless the bathroom door is locked, the lights are out, and the house is completely silent, so maybe we’re the one with the problem.  

We have a confession to make: We’ve never actually watched American Idol. We pretend that we have. We once saw Bo Bice on The Daily Show and talked about how charming and talented he was when we gathered around the Mr. Coffee the next day at the office. But we were merely talking out of our ass. If Paula Abdul leaves the show and is replaced by either Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey, though, we will be the first in line to petition Fox for a 24 hour American Idol channel.  

• Pink proposed to her boyfriend, motocross racer and Surreal Life star Carey Hart. Not to be confused with Corey Hart. That would just be preposterous.

• Looks like Stella Lost Her Groove again. Because, as it turns out, her groove was A Gay.

• Fergie scares us. Fergie looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid that grew up and turned into a gypsy tweaker. But apparently, that's a look Josh Duhamel likes enough that he wants to wake up next to it for the rest of his life, so, you know. We're shutting up now.

• Bobby and Whitney say: You don't know true love until you've dug impacted feces out of your lover's sphincter.

• Brangelina gets attacked by some crazy punk kid! Not screwing? Pfft.

•Hey, look. Mariah Carey has a new boyfriend.

 

Never one to blaze her own trail, Whitney Houston reaches out a desperate, bony hand and tenuously grasps the coattails of Michael Jackson, Lindsay Lohan, and Jessica Simpson and joins the hot new celeb craze: hospitalization! Catch the wave!