Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have broken up. And so have Nicole Richie and that one guy. He's like the son of some famous guy who, like, did the luge or synchronized swimming at the Olympics or something. He dated that girl from that show that's like The O.C. only "real"? C'mon, he's tall, has dark hair, wears shirts? You know the one.  

• Suri No Middle Name Cruise pictures might finally appear soon . . . in Vanity Fair! Hopefully on the cover, wrapped in swaddling clothes, using Scarlett Johansson's ass crack as a manger.

• Bryce Dallas Howard is baking up a big batch of baby.

• Kate Bosworth ate! Ate cigarettes, water, and lettuce. Baby steps, people.

• Pam from The Office becomes Pam from The Duff-ass.

• When Janet Jackson wants her water cold, she wants her water cold, dammit. Also, yes, she did feel that pea placed under her 12 mattresses last night.

• Newly-separated Dave Navarro is dating newly-separated Jenna Jameson. And she's now #1 on his MySpace Top 8, so you know it's love.

• Jen and Vince: engaged! Whhheeeeeeee! Yayyyyy! Whoooo! Who gives a crap! All riiiiight!

• Robin Williams is in rehab. Body hair rehab, we hope.

• Sienna Miller dons dirty pink cowboy boots, a wedding dress, a red Cleopatra wig, and an exposed upskirt cotton panty look. Indeed, she is truly the fashion icon of our time.  

Jennifer Aniston has called off the wedding we didn't know she was having. Is it possible that she was once again the victim of the second-biggest Hollywood dick affliction (after Syphilis): co-star cheating? That must be it. Vince Vaughn had an affair with the co-star of his latest movie, Jennifer Aniston. Wait, WTF?  

Your average girl would feel a little awkward walking around buck naked in front of her boyfriend's parents. Add in a team of movie cameras witnessing the strip down, and you've got a terrifying situation. Unless you're Jennifer Aniston. Then you say, "Yeah, sure, your parents can get a good look at my ass. And why don't you invite the family dog and your ten-year-old cousin and your high-school lunch lady. Hey everybody, look at my ass!"  

Usually when a girl's husband cheats on her and she's suddenly single and needs a good rogering, she finds some hot asshole with whom she can barely carry on a conversation but who gets the job done. And it doesn't matter if he's a total prick who calls her fat to her face, because once she's had a good bout of rebound sex she never has to see him again. But in Jennifer Aniston's case, she just kept on dating the guy.  

• Hepatitis A, Matt Damon, thongless male-on-male mud wrestling, and golden showers. We're not talking about Ben Affleck's bachelor party, we're talking about a Steven Soderbergh joint!

• Britney might be ready to finally get rid of those 170 extra pounds of ugly, useless flab. AKA, divorcing K-Fed.

• Or, she might be ready to accept a few more of his cornrowed sperms and bake another baby, because according to the oracle, it is written. Specifically, she's predicted to "fall pregnant", which sounds as if she's about to befall a hideous malady. Which is not too far off the mark, really.

• But who gives a crap, let's just look at Britney's pointy Spears, unfettered by brassieres. Hey, that rhymed.

• Madonna took it for a spin. It inspired Carmen Electra to bellow racial epithets. That's right, little ones--it's Dennis Rodman's rod, man (NSFW).

• Paris Hilton and the Jolly Greek Giant are still relaxing in the warm, bubbling hot tub of amorous rapture despite nasty rumors to the contrary and Baby Luv the Monkey's diabolical plot to tear them apart.

• Jennifer Aniston has been named GQ's (Wo)Man of the Year, along with her rumored beau Vince Vaughn and rapper 50 Cent. So, in order to be a major magazine's people of the year, all you have to do is A. have your husband divorce you after upgrading to a better model, B. bang aforementioned divorcée, or C. have Pittsburghers shoot each other during a screening of your movie. Oh man, we totally have next year's title in the bag!  

Again, all you have to do is hold your thumb over that pesky last word. WENN/IMDb headline writers are a devilish bunch.  

If any of you are in the vicinity of Angelina Jolie on this fine day (perhaps because you are a sick loser and spend your day rooting through her trash cans in hopes that she maybe threw out a pair of used panties or something) do not let her look at any celebrity gossip. She will be pissed that Jennifer Aniston was kissing all over Vince Vaughn in public and stealing her hot and sexually satisfied spotlight.  

The sizzling romance between Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn heats up in the Windy City, while Oscar-winning legend Al Pacino's been spotted in Canoodle City with not-so-Fat Actress Kirstie Alley! LOL!

Whew. Sorry. We're practicing for our big Pat O'Brien Halloween costume. (We've already got the hookers and coke part down pat).  

Jennifer Aniston is booked into Chicago’s Peninsula Hotel under the name Mrs. Smith. She is so clever. In all these months that we’ve been stalking her we were only checking for the names Rachel Green and The Shattered Wreckage of the Angelina Jolie Vagina Tornado.