Tom Cruise's dastardly plan to make Katie Holmes crack so he can hide her away in a state-run mental facility has finally been uncovered: Confuse her on the subject of caloric intake! One day she'll be with Tom, watching him pack in about 4000 calories with bag after bag of jalepeno Krunchers; the next she'll watch Victoria Beckham splurge on half a spicy tuna roll and have to replace a week's worth of Barney's visits with trips to the gym. It can't fail!  

Our second Posh Spice story in as many days! We truly are obsessed. Today, she's making headlines due to the outrageous, Mariah Carey-like list of demands she and husband David gave to a London hotel to ensure that their stay was a comfortable one. Your hotel requirements might be: towels, a working toilet, decent water pressure, and sheets with the minimal amount of bodily fluid on them. Posh's are much different.  

Posh Spice's rather unflattering severe new bob was widely covered in the gossip blog pages a few weeks ago. Some speculated that it was a way to balance out her terrible, terrible boobs, some said she wanted to spark a new trend, but the truth of the matter is that the penile ministrations of husband David Beckham were hearty enough to cause her extensions to fall out. In essence, he fucked her weave off.  

Like the Roman Empire, Mama's Family, and Britney Spears's boinkability, all good things must eventually end. And so we come to the end of one of the world's most cherished and heartwarming friendships: Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham have uttered a mutual "screw that bitch" and broken off their shopping-centered coalition. And the world weeps.  

Katie Holmes has been enjoying a girls-only vacation in Paris with her new Tom-approved BFF, Victoria Beckham. And reportedly, she told Victoria that even though baby Suri Nomiddlename is barely 5 months old, she is still "desperate" to have another child. No need to dream, little Katie. Just close your eyes, lie back, let the choloroform take over, and enjoy the romantic touch of the water pistol filled with Scientological donor seed flooding your womanhood. Just like the first time.  

Victoria Beckham claims she looks awful naked. Does that mean we've actually been looking at her naked all these years?  

All Hallow's Eve is upon us, and like many Americans, you are most likely asking yourself, "Whatever shall I be?" We at CNW would like to spare everyone another year of wading through a sea of thousands of Ali Gs, ghosts, and sexy kitty cats and offer our readers step-by-step instructions on how to whip up a piss-easy costume inspired by our favorite celebutards.

Step 1: Procure softball from sports store or local playground.
Step 2: With sharp knife or saw, cut ball in half.
Step 3: With double-sided tape or chewed bubble gum, attach ball halves firmly to chest. Do not use superglue!
Step 4: Paint self terra-cotta.
Step 5: Voila! You're Posh Spice! Spoooooooky!

 

Apparently, Posh Spice rather liked the reaction Monday's nip slip brought, and has decided that boob buttons make better accessories than Olsen-huge bags or platform pumps.



Truly the cherry on top of any outfit.  

Ever-helpful, Victoria Beckham points to the part of her anatomy that's gearing up to burst forth from her bodice.

 

Once in a while we jump on a story that may not be based in anything that resembles fact. Like if we heard a story about Britney Spears's plans to gain a bunch of weight, don a muumuu, and take to the stage as a Divine impersonator, we'd run with it. Sure, we might have to run a retraction, but we'd get a few laughs out of it first. But sometimes we get things wrong and it's not the fault of our lack of journalistic ethics or even our extreme laziness. Sometimes famous people are really, really dumb. And today David Beckham happens to fall in that category.  

In case you were under the mistaken impression that an eighty-eight-pound body with all the curvy womanly features of an eleven-year-old is insufficient to support human life, Victoria Beckham proves your assumption wrong by gestating her fourth child.  

After exhausting his list of Scientological compatriots (Leah Remini) and tight-lipped celeb cronies on the L. Ron payroll (the Pinkett-Smiths, Penelope Cruz), Tom Cruise is branching out and inviting other celebrities to bear frankincense, myrrh, and designer Baby Bjorns, follow the star in the north and come to gaze upon baby Suri No Middle Name as she lies in her plexiglass, thetan-repelling hyperbaric cradle. He's invited Posh Spice and her well-waxed husband David Beckham to come visit the child (after agreeing to adhere to a list of creepy rules, natch), but we just think he wants to throw the fact that they haven't yet been able to produce a girl-child in their faces.  

• Jessica Simpson, in a bikini, on vacation. She's taking great care to conceal her crotch behind various objects, which can only mean one thing: BABY BUMP! Just kidding, she probably forgot to shave.

• Ever wonder what goes on behind the closed doors at a high-powered meeting in which executives get together with the Olsen twins to discuss their next line of clothing/cosmetics/cereal/handbags? Tareytons, is what. Cartons and cartons and cartons of Tareytons.

• Take a stick of raw linguine, dye it paper-bag brown, glue a Crystal Barbie wig to the top of it and two half coconut shells halfway down, and what do you get? Victoria Beckham.

• Jennifer Ellison wears panties that show her clam. Her pussyclam.

• Big fluffy hair was cool in the '80s; Tommy Lee sported the look well into the '90s. And now that it's 2006, Tommy Lee has finally moved on to last decade, showing off some highly sweet tribal tattoos paired with Manic Panic hair. Luckily, huge dongs never go out of style.

• The Curious Birth of Suri No Middle Name Cruise: the legend continues.

• Jackie Chan, all hopped up on Seagram's Golden Wine Coolers, causes a rumpus at a concert. We'd expect that kind of behavior from a McConaughey or a Sutherland, but that nice Chan boy?

• Alyssa Milano wants to create a line of women's sports fan gear. Which, if her shirt is any indication, will involve lots of pastel smocking and rainbow beads. Go team!

• Stacey Dash, naked in Playboy. Not a Monet.  

• Heidi Klum impregnated by Seal; expecting another flipper baby.

• Posh Spice to become godmother to Ginger Spice's baby daughter, Bluebell Spice. That's nice. When Bluebell needs advice on bulimia, tanning beds, and how to be a good trophy wife, she'll have a wealth of information at her fingertips.

• Yet MORE Toni Braxton nipples. You can put those things away now, honey.

• Nicole Kidman sends a case of beer to the paparazzi. We assume the reason for this was so that they wouldn't notice that her face has been freshly pulled, drawn up and over the back of her skull, and tacked into place for her upcoming nuptials.

• Robert Evans divorcing. Seventh time ain't the charm, apparently.

• Tera Patrick pics from FHM magazine. Which must stand for Fricking Humpable Mams.

• SNL's Andy Samberg gets Dunsted!

• Jen Love Hewitt's hugetits strapped in by nothing but a flimsy . . . Yoko Ono shirt?

• Michelle Rodriguez dreams of a relationship with Colin Farrell, but sadly, it can never be. Because he's not a girl.  

This tidbit is FemaleFirst-penned, so take it with a Hummer full of salt, but Posh Spice and equally groomed hubby David Beckham are reportedly having sex standing up, because they heard that's a surefire way to conceive a girl. In related news, the Beckhams also say that you can't get pregnant when you do it doggy-style, and if you use tampons, you're like totally not a virgin anymore.  

Posh Spice is in talks to launch her own makeup line. Because if there's anything a modern woman needs, it's a bucket of shimmery, burnt umber caulk and a trowel with which to apply it.  

• Posh Spice teaches us how to dress for seduction. Is the secret tan-in-a-can, fake lips like a couple of BMX tires, and robohooters? Because we're one step ahead of you, Posh.

• Posh is also planning on writing a children's book. Just as soon as she learns how to write.

• There are never enough headlines that include the words "Kate Beckinsale" and "ass".

• Wow. Sienna Miller's doing a really, really, really, really bad job of channeling Edie Sedgwick. Really bad.

• Eva Longoria and Jamie Foxx, also known as the two most irritatingly overrated stars in the cosmos, might have hooked up. Good. Maybe they'll fall in love and go live in the bottom of the sea somewhere.

• Drew Barrymore and her huge snoobs are awesome. Don't hate. Congratulate.

• Brad and Angelina's golden fetus says, "Does this ultrasound make me look fat?"

• You know it's a slow gossip day when this is the headline of the day.

• William Shatner's nugget of crystallized urine builds houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, you heard us.

• Howard Stern admits to having a little plastic surgery. We thought his tits were looking particularly fabulous lately.  

Some entries need no introduction. Especially when we're too lazy to write one, and you're not going to read it anyway. So click on the little spot that says "more" for some tit chat.  

There are a few things we know for sure about Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham: She has a face like Mr. Ed's long-lost bastard daughter, she could beat both Jessica Simpson and Catherine Zeta-Jones in a game of "Look how much empty space I have in my skull," and she has very fertile lady parts. The rest of these things are currently just conjecture: Vic may be knocked up again, her marriage may be nothing more than a surprisingly good acting performance, and she may be bowing down to our lord and savior, Xenu.  

• Gwen Stefani sees herself as a "dorky fat kid". That's funny, because we see her as a creepy transvestite who keeps Japanese girls as pets.

• Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and weed.

• Naomi Campbell blah blah blah new catfight blah blah punching slapping blah zzzzzzzzzz.

• Johnny Knoxville has something in common with Mick Jagger. And it's not 30 illegitmate children or highly kissable lips!

• Victoria Posh Spice says she does, in fact, read books. They're just children's books, is all.

• Nick and Jessica can barely fake it anymore.

• It's kind of a crude, low budget Midwestern version of Gawker Stalker, but we have our first celebrity sighting: a snitchy spy wrote us and said that they spotted Dwight Yoakam at the White Stripes/Greenhornes show in Chicago last night, and that Yoakam was "hanging around the Greenhornes' dressing room for a good hour, calling the band 'my Ohio boys' and eating their Fritos and dip". If you see Yoakam (or, like, Angelina Jolie, or Marilyn McCoo even) at their show tonight, let us know: tips@celebnewswire.com.  

Ask Posh Spice why Gatsby loved Daisy so, and she cannot tell you. She could not even begin to guess why Othello killed Desdemona. Posh does not like green eggs and ham. Posh Spice does not know why the caged bird sings, and she has no idea how Stella got her groove back. Because Posh Spice has never, ever read one single book in her entire life.