Sometimes we hear stories that make us wonder why we don’t attend more events like club openings in Las Vegas. Then we remember that we weren’t invited because we are an ugly and fat nobody and then we cry and cry and eat some Double Stuf Oreos until we hear an embarrassing story about Tara Reid and thank the God of Kabbalah that at least we are not her.  

Do you remember how frigid and virginal Donna Martin was on 90210? How she made poor greasy David Silver wait for like ten years before she would finally get down to some humping? Well, Tori Spelling is no Donna Martin.  

We don't know about the rest of you, but we just love for our celebrity autographs to be contaminated with traces of fecal matter. Apparently Usher has doo-doo-loving fans who are just like us.  

What ever happened to the days when we wanted people who knew what they were doing to design the products that we use? Why would anyone prefer to wear a shirt designed by P. Diddy rather than someone who’s actually touched a sewing machine at some point in their life? And why would anyone give up a proven classic like Chanel No. 5 for Eau de Usher?  

A teenage model got a little more than she signed up for when she went to Usher's hotel room. Expecting straight-ahead groupie sex, maybe a social disease or two, she wound up in a tangle of seven naked bodies on a bed, with Usher sitting like a very ripped cherry on top.  

Do you wanna know how Usher got such a hot body? It sure wasn't by walking! We thought that the Usher diva moments would be toned down just a wee bit once he dumped that restaurant-bill-hoppin', nipple-barin', assistant-beatin' bag of bones he'd been carrying around, but boy, were we wrong. The boy can't even walk himself down the block.  

What an upset! We thought Naomi would be the one to dump indoor-sunglasses-wearing Usher, but he beat her to the punch and dropped her for being "boring". Apparently, mauling one's personal assistants and creating big hoo-hahs at restaurants just aren't exciting enough to keep Usher interested. Naomi then struck back with the old "Nip slips are the best revenge."  

Was it the assistant-beating? The restaurant wig-out? Is Usher "having a baby with a woman he barely even knows"? Or did he finally figure out that Naomi's certifiably cuckoo bananas? Whatever the reason, the snitty supermodel and the man who looks like a peanut M&M are on the rocks.  

You know, when you're being sued for smacking the crap out of your third personal assistant, it would be wise to keep a low profile and play the part of the calm, demure, self-contained supermodel. But this is Naomi Campbell we're talking about, and as she throws a snit fit in a London restaurant, she drags singer/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lookalike Usher into the fray.