A day in the life of Paris Hilton: gets called "piece of shit," is reminded to always remember her herpes medication, slips a boob. It's so much like a day in the life of CelebNewsWire, it's eerie.  

Here is a picture of Paris Hilton and Travis Barker mingling tongues on Halloween.



And here is a picture of a fellow partygoer's reaction.

 

Paris Hilton is one of today's hottest starlets. Millions of men have paid to see her smoking pole on tape. Shanna Moakler was a Playboy Playmate, so presumably hundreds of thousands of men have stroked the baloney pony while gazing upon her naked body. And last night they got into a bitchfight over this man:



C'mon, ladies, if your night is going to end with multiple police reports, at least let it be over George Clooney. Or how about Adrian Grenier? He's hot. Even Colin Farrell we might understand. But a pop-punk drummer with a fauxhawk and necktoos? Is that really the best you can do?  

Certainly you recall a little story from the other day involving Paris Hilton strapping on her miner's hat and going spelunking down the tattooed throat of one Travis Barker. Now that you've finally removed the last traces of projectile vomit from your office ceiling, you're going to have to break out the antibacterial 409 one more time: It seems that Travis and Paris are repeat offenders, with particular emphasis placed on "offend". After the cut, all of the gut-curdling grossness in glorious full-color video!  

This picture may not look like much to you now, but what if we were to tell you it was Paris Hilton making out with Travis Barker? Would you be interested then? What if we told you it was Paris getting her face chewed off by a shaven, tattooed bear? Would that be enough to rouse you from your porn-addicted, video-game-obsessed, jaded stupor? Is that what we have to do to please you these days? Make up stories about celebrities getting mauled by bears? Because we're not above that.  

• Who wears short shorts? Jessica Simpson wears short shorts. Heyyyyy. Nice mons pubis.

• Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.

• Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?

• Another Doherty--Shannen--angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!

• "Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.

• The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.

• Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.

• Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.

• One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.