Are you sick of necklaces made of diamonds, rubies, and emeralds? Had your fill of gold and silver and platinum? Then why don't you follow Tori Spelling's example and wear something you've peed on around your neck? It's unique and classy.  

It's been confirmed (sort of) that Tori Spelling is full of the spawn of Dean McDermott. If the baby is born with half the traits of each parent, we'll expect it to be constructed of plastic molded to nearly resemble actual human body parts and made-for-extended-basic-cable movie credits.  

• Buffy costar Mercedes McNab to pose for Playboy; socially-challenged fanboys to spring boners eternal.

• Sweet little cherub Mandy Moore is bringin' schlumpy back, and pulling it off.

• And lo, brash angel of God Kathy Griffin alit and sayeth unto Tori Spelling: "unto you a childe is borne!"

• Paris Hilton has been officially charged with drunk driving. Now, if only she were to be officially charged by the fashion police. Ooh! That's right! We went there! Uh-huh! Two snaps up, girlfriend!

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is one hep cat.

• Ashlee Simpson premiered as Roxie Hart in the London Cambridge Theatre's production of Chicago Monday night. And alas, there was no one with an oversized novelty hook, nor any clowns with comical janitor's brooms in sight.

• Lindsay Lohan's father brags about porking his daughter's Herbie stunt double. No punch line needed.

• A helpful compendium of celebrity nippage to clip, save, collect, and trade with friends.

• Tom and K-Hole are looking for a project they can star in together. Might we suggest adapting Ronnie Spector's biography, Be My Baby? Though Tom as a megalomaniacal, shrimpy Svengali with a predilection for shades holding his young and innocent wife captive in their own home might be a bit of a stretch. Har de har har.  

We think we have hit upon the absolute dictionary definition of Too Much Information: Tori Spelling loves porn.  

Note to spoiled celebrity scions: If you plan on getting embroiled in a big ol' bitch fight with Mommy (or Daddy's twenty-two-year-old fourth wife or his Filipino pool boy or whoever will control the estate) make sure Daddy isn't about to kick the bucket. Cause if Daddy dies Mommy might be able to take away your inheritance and leave you with barely enough to pay for the upkeep on your plastic pontoons.  

Legendary television producer/sirer of Tori Aaron Spelling passed away on Friday after suffering a stroke. Luckily he and his estranged daughter were able to make nice before he departed this mortal coil. If there is any justice in this world and if God truly exists, Mr. Spelling is on a cloud, ears-deep in shirtless, feathered-hair angels with Hervé Villechaize.  

• Jennifer Aniston is moving to Chicago. We can't wait to run into her in the health and beauty aisle at Jewel!

• Piper Perabo lowers herself to date former pill-popper/Friends friend Matthew Perry. Move over TomKat and Brangelina, here's . . . Pipthew Perrybo?

• Our #1 deity, Mariah Carey, teams up with Snoop, shoots a video, mounts a mesa of Vuitton luggage, wears very little clothing.

• Salma Hayek chortles when confronted with Colin Farrell's weenis. Understandable.

• Portman pokies, redux!

• If your daughter were Tori Spelling, wouldn't you sue her too? Just for fun?

• K-Fed hates the Pavarotti, loves his kids and wife, raps about it in hot new tune on MySpace. This one's for the haters. Fuck the media.

• Pink's special surprise for her husband is reportedly a "12ft pole to be erected in her dressing room". But the bigger surprise is that said pole is being erected in her pants! Because she's a man, see.

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is about to undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition". Lip reduction? Eyeliner tattoos? Scarfectomy?  

You want more tit? Is that your one an only desire this fine Friday morning? Well, be careful what you wish for, my friend, cause we've got boobs from Tori Spelling and Britney Spears. And we're talking current-day, tainted-with-Kevin-Federline-semen Britney.  

• Dirty Dancing's Patrick Swayze says he's experimenting with “rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads.” That makes sense, since rap rhythms are a feeling; a heartbeat. Guh-gung. Guh-gung.

• Katie Holmes sez: "I won't wed 'til afterbirth!" God, that's sick! Oh, wait. That's "after birth".

• Still married to one nonfamous guy, Tori Spelling gets engaged to another. That means two men have willingly signed up to make Tori Spelling's vagina the only vagina in their lives forever and ever and ever. Our world, it is a sick and sad one.

• Unbearable douchelord Bono flirts with his own daughters, but at least saves the massive shagging for his wife only.

• Wipe that image out of your mind with some naked pictures of former supermodel/erstwhile Axl schtup-puppet Stephanie Seymour.

• Is Naomi Watts about to marry Liev Schreiber? Is she incubating his young? Is she going to don a bikini and bang Bond? Whowhatwherewhenwhyhowwhatwhatwhhhatttt???!?!?!?!?!

• Whatsa matta, Paris? Crabs gotcha down?

• Cindy Crawford's little son is totally in my face! Poor Maddox Jolie--replaced by a newer, hipper, younger, more attitude-y at age four.

• Keira Knightley's thong. Yup. It sure is.

• Eminem will make ex-wife Kim new wife Kim on January 14th. The invitation reads: "This day I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, love." Guess "Sit down bitch/If you move again I'll beat the shit out of you" doesn't exactly scream "holy matrimony".  

• Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.

• Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.

• Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!

• After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.

• While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.

• She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.

• Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.

• Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.

• After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!

 

We come to work every morning, get a nice cup of coffee, spray ourselves down with some Lysol in hopes of getting the stink of that spilled Long Island iced tea off of our clothes, and hope for some good gossip. You know, like Jennifer Aniston got bit by a rabid dog and is now foaming at the mouth and wandering the streets in search of Angelina Jolie so that she can bite the hell out of that bitch. That would be a good one. But some days all we get is a couple of minor celebrities’ dogs picking on Tinkerbell.  

Do you remember how frigid and virginal Donna Martin was on 90210? How she made poor greasy David Silver wait for like ten years before she would finally get down to some humping? Well, Tori Spelling is no Donna Martin.