• Mariah Carey ensures that she will never receive a free Chanel dress ever again.

• Why, hello, M&Ms stuck in Jennifer Lopez's dress. Nice to see you.

• Speaking of small round candies and boobs . . .

• Beyonce once jiggled her jelly so damn hard that her entire dress fell off. Guess she didn't see that ragtag group of young men with oversized novelty magnets who sewed her garment with metal thread.

• Lindsay Lohan dresses up as Diane Keaton, Liza Minnelli, and Liz Taylor. Gay male plotzing TK.

• Tom Sizemore has been sent back to rehab. Also, the sun rose today.

• Ya can't shine shit: MK and Ashley Olsen are all gussied up and shilling for Badgley Mischka. Funny how chimpanzees in $5,000 frocks are still chimpanzees.

• Britney took her baby Sean to the emergency room because he was constipated. Now, we're no Dr. Spock or nuthin', but maybe, just maybe, if she stopped giving him tubes of nacho bacon E-Z Cheez in lieu of bottles, this wouldn't happen.

• And maybe Brit should lay off the aerosol delicacies herself.

• Poor Nikki Cox learns that when you agree to marry a professional guest star, you lose your livelihood. And your breasts.

• PETA activists threw flour on Paris Hilton as she entered a London fashion week party. They then battered and deep-fried her and enjoyed her with some honey BBQ dippin' sauce. Just kidding, that's not vegan.  

We have never believed one single word that has come out of the mouth of Paris Hilton. Whenever she said, "That's hot," we thought, "That's not even as hot as a polar bear screwing a penguin." And to our knowledge she has never said, "My cooch smells like a year-old bag of Doritos." That we would believe. So whatever crap she's spewing today about whether or not she met and/or boinked Tom Sizemore pretty much sounds like "Abracadabra Kal-El Shazam!" to us.  

After its engagement-induced period of relative hibernation, Paris Hilton's vagina is hungry once again. Hungry for Greeks bearing gifts. Penile gifts.  

Hold your hand up to your computer monitor, cover up the last two words of that headline, and dream, gentle reader. Dream.  

Paris Hilton wants you to know that although she may have banged Nick Carter, Rick Salomon, Jason Shaw, Simon Rex, Deryck Whibley, Vincent Gallo (deep breath, deep breath), Paris Latsis, and Stamos Nachos, she's gotta draw the line somewhere, and that somewhere is Tom Sizemore. However, we feel that Paris may have found some sort of handy carnal loophole--maybe she means that she dorked his phony baloney in lieu of an actual flesh-to-flesh liaison.  

• We've been warning you for weeks now, but the day is upon us: the ill-famed Tom Sizemore sex tape is now available for your online perusal. It's here, it's real. Live it, love it, own it.

• Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.

• Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!

• Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.

• The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it was an alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!

• Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.

• Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.

• For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.

 

Tom Sizemore: Can a brother get a break? Apparently not. After all the drug-doing, prison-time-having, and Fleiss-flogging, it's a wonder Tom has time to "battle" a rare disease that leaves him with an insatiable, raging bone-on 24/7. But with a name like "Sizemore", well, you're pretty much born into a mystical erectile destiny.  

Oh God. Oh heavenly lordy God. No. Please, please.

OK, listen. This whole "celebrity sex tape" rumpus has got to end now. Right now. We never thought we'd call for a terminus on naked famous people on film, but that was before we heard the whispers of the existance of a Tom Sizemore sex tape. Fred Durst getting his balls and his ass touched seems like taking 'luudes and enjoying cotton candy while riding on the back of a unicorn in comparison to the idea of seeing Tom Sizemore's furry, clenched buns.