Go down, Teri Hatcher,
Way down in ABC-land;
Tell old Bob Iger
To let your nipples go.
When Teri Hatcher was in Desperate Housewives Land,
Let those nippos go.
Stiffened so hard and perky they could stand,
"Let my nipples go."
"Thus saith my yams," bold Teri said,
"Let my nipples go"
 

In this post, you will listen to Teri Hatcher talk about how she gets her boobs looking so highly flavorsome and how you--yes, you!--can also have sightly cleavage. Teri's breasts are pleasant and all, but when is she going to start talking about the positive characteristics of her hairy snatcher? And that, friends, is what we in the business call a "rhyme". Learn from the masters.  

Poor Teri Hatcher. As she is the last surviving single among her female Desperate Housewives co-stars, she must carry that "desperate" tag for all it's worth. And if that means giving the public the impression that she's on her hands and knees daily begging for sex, then so be it.  

• Teri Hatcher deems her toes and nipples "suck-worthy". Just like her acting!

• Evangeline Lilly blames Hollywood for forcing her to get really, really buff.

• IF you want Rod Stewart's daughter's naked bo-dy, AND you think she's sex-y, COME on sugar, click right here.

• Ashlee Simpson begins her slow, painful metamorphosis into her sister. First, the nose. Then comes the Jackass copulating.

• Anna Nicole Smith climbed on top of an 89-year-old man, placed his shriveled, liver spotted member into her person, and is probably getting a billion dollars for the trouble. Now, possibly some dude has mounted Anna Nicole's shriveled, Trimspa-ravaged body, placed his member inside her person, impregnated her, and wants the ca$h. Ah, the circle of life.

• Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack! Dunstcrack!!!

• Eva Longoria talks about getting naked or doing it or something like that. In related news, bear shits in woods, Pope wears funny hat, etc. etc.

• Denise Richards tries to shake off the shit-stink of husbandstealing assholism, turning the tables on Heather Locklear, saying, "Heather knows why we aren’t friends.” Which sounds suspiciously like the now-classic "Nicole knows what she did."

 

Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest, sittin' on the beach.
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes bearding, second comes herpes
Then comes the coy denials followed by convenient photo ops followed by couch jumping followed by a quickie engagement and miracle alien baby gestating in Teri's womb for approximately 6 trimesters.
 

Another day, another lad mag tells you whom you should masturbate to tonight. And in what may be the upset of the century--or at least right behind that whole Crash/Brokeback Mountain thing--Scarlett Johansson is now your top masturbatory fantasy. Jessica Alba is crying into her no-nudity clause as we speak.  

• A slight look at Kelly Hu's Hu-ters.

• Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest dating? She says she "really enjoys his company". Well, duh. He knows about all the sample sales ahead of time, and he's so fun to enjoy a decadant whipped yogurt (only 140 creamy, dreamy calories!) with, while getting a deep tissue massage!

• OMG! Victoria's Secret is that Adriana Lima is a total virgin!!!

• Whoa, here she comes. Watch out, boy, Lindsay Lohan will chew you up.

• Sorry, ladies! Handsome beef-a-roni hunk Jack Black is officially off the market.

• Sorry again, ladies! Studly demigod Michael Bolton is also officially off the market. Enjoy that, Nicolette Sheridan.

• Jessica Alba is officially sexy, we know, but now Scarlett Johansson has been deemed certifiably pretty. Good to know.

• "Little black book" is just one of the many practical purposes served by Pam Anderson's grotesquely colossal plastic breasts.

• We mourn the demise of the leg man. If you're one of them, you will probably want to look into Paulina Rubio. Damn, that tomato's got some nice pegs.

• Paris Hilton prepares to get back to 1985 after harnessing a bolt of lightning hitting the clock tower.  

• Teri Hatcher reveals that she was brutally molested as a child by an uncle, and she testified against him recently and helped put him in jail. Go Teri!

• Mayhaps the Pussycat Dolls should change their name to the Pussyandtittycat Dolls.

• When your toddler asks you, "Daddy, what does 'bootylicious' mean?" you can now say, "Look it up in the dictionary, ya little shit" and mean it!

• Donald Trump says of his daughter Ivanka, "I'd hit it."

• Not only would Mariah Carey like you to touch her butt, she would like you to punch her in the gut. Well, okay.

• Yanni was charged with abusing his girlfriend in their Florida home. What, did he force her to to listen to his music? Haw haw, bet you didn't see that joke coming.

• In other domestic abuse news, the Hoff gets hasselled . . . by his estranged wife!

• Jerry Hall says younger men not only suck in bed, they make you listen to Coldplay. It's a scary day when Jerry Hall is a practical voice of reason.

• Thanks Easter bunny! Bok bok! As it turns out, Cokaite Moss used to hide her stash in a Fabergé egg. Pfft. We hide ours in a Ming vase.

 

• Apparently, you can steal cars and shoot heroin and get arrested 20 times a month and yet never see the inside of a jail cell. We're totally moving to the UK. It's like Eden, or Honah-Lee. Only with more crack.

• Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?

• The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.

• Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.

• A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!

• Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.

• Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.

• Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.  

Do you think if I wear that old sheer nightgown from my made-for-Cinemax movie The Madam and the Stable Boy over my daughter's cheerleading spankies it will distract from the flesh-eating bacteria that have eaten away half of my face? Will it also distract from the fact that I applied my makeup with a bazooka? No? Better add some gladiator sandals, then.  

Ohmigod, did you guys hear about Teri Hatcher? She, like, keeps a van in her backyard and stuff? And in that van, she totally goes all the way.

With boys.  

The elephants of the world appear to have joined forces with the shark community, united in their hatred of American celebrities. Together, these deadly beasts of the animal kingdom will not rest until they've torn the limbs off every man, woman, and Dakota Fanning in Hollywood.  

Hurry! Pack your bags, blindfold your children and tuck them under your arms and run for the fucking hills! Teri Hatcher's nipples will not be contained!!!!  

For those of you who love nudity from women molded out of plastic, Playboy may soon have a treat for you. No, Farrah Fawcett isn't returning to the pages of the mag; Teri Hatcher says she would totally show off her Desperate Housewives--for $10 million.  

Awriiiight! It's been awhile since we've had any good Desperate Housewives juice, but today, we woke up and found that the oranges done got squeezed and we can proffer a fresh pulpy glass. Two words: cat and fight.  

During a sexual dry spell, Teri Hatcher says she entertained the thought of hiring a rent boy. "I thought about a male hooker," she said. "It would be like getting your carpet cleaned and there was a spot they didn't get out. You would feel safe saying 'I need you to get this spot out or I'm not paying you.'" We're not sure where she was aiming to go with that noggin-scratching simile, but we like thinking about Teri's carpet just the same.  

A few of the Desperate Housewives think they may be just a wee bit overexposed--and they're not talking about their lack of clothing. Eva Longoria and Nicolette Sheridan have been using their plethora of interviews to gripe about being given too much attention. Unless they were naked while they were complaining, we don't really care.  

Wee Teri Hatcher is red in the face proclaiming the realness of her jugs to anyone who'll listen. We like to imagine Teri in her trailer on the Desperate Housewives set, seething with jealousy when Nicolette Sheridan was blasted with plastic surgery rumors, shaking her fist and muttering, "Two can play at that game, Knots Landing's Paige Matheson. Muahahahaha!"  

We here at CelebNewsWire definitely felt the blow of the Aniston-Pitt split. We'll admit it: we took a few days off work to lie in bed, unshowered, eating countless Totino's Party Pizzas and drinking Carlo Rossi straight out of the bottle while weeping heartsick tears. We may have even questioned the existence of God. But the swath of devastation cut by the demise of Brad and Jen has extended far beyond our humble offices. Kate Winslet and Teri Hatcher are just two Hollywood stars who are beginning to open up about their pain.  

Someone buy this woman a padded bra! Apparently Teri Hatcher has come down with a case of the pokies. And if there’s one thing the bosses over at Desperate Housewives don’t like, it’s protruding nipples. Sure, a bunch of women prancing around half naked and Eva Longoria sleeping with an underage gardener are fine, but poking nipples . . . too racy.