• Angelina and Brad are reportedly adopting an Indian baby as we speak. Because African babies are soooo early-to-mid October 2k6.

• Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this mortal world, will someone, anyone, shoot a tranq dart into Naomi Campbell's neck?

• Rush Limbaugh accuses Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his symptoms in a political ad, saying, "He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act." Seriously, dude! And remember when Christopher Reeve was tooling around in a wheelchair with a trach tube? Also totally all an act. Fucker was just lazy and tired of walking and breathing. Some Superman!

• DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, has moved on from Nicole Richie to nice Jewish girl Michelle Trachtenberg. His bubby is so pleased.

• For the reasonable price of $100,000, Paris Hilton will come to your New Year's Eve party 3 hours late, sit in a corner and text furiously on her Sidekick for 20 minutes, perhaps flash an assflap or two, then leave.

• Sandra Bullock had sexual intercourse on Sunday night.

• Federline the Younger is actually named Jayden James. SPF squared, we hardly knew ye.

• Tara Reid said that her nipples "looked like goose-shaped eggs". Not goose eggs. Eggs, shaped like geese. Nipples like thin shells with webbed feet and beaks and wings holding albumen and yolk. Yup. That's what Tara Reid's nipples looked like.  

Tara Reid had plastic surgery! And it was bad! This and other shockers (such as Teri Hatcher picks up her dry cleaning--but there's still a stain on her favorite blouse!) in the upcoming issue of Us Weekly.  

Hey, wait a minute! These aren't my breasts! I had huge fake knockers, which I paid very good American Pie money for, thank you very much, and someone has stolen them! Hey, you, over there, Mr. Police Officer Man, I'd like to report a crime. Yes, someone has stolen my breasts. They were here last night before I went out, got denied at Hyde, then Mood, then that biker bar in the Valley, then . . . ohmigod, what did I do then? I remember stopping by that 7-11 to pick up a couple bottles of that vodka that Damon Dash makes, then I was wandering around and realized I was near Dr. Bob's house, so I decided to pop in and . . . oh, nevermind, Mr. Police Officer Man. I know who has my boobies.  

My boobs used to be this big:



but my agent told me I needed to lose ten pounds, so I thought getting a boob reduction would be the easiest way. I can't go on a diet; do you know how many calories are in a Screaming Orgasm? It just wouldn't work.  

• Matthew Broderick appears to have injured himself after falling off his wife.

• J. Lo es no preggo. "She is 100% not pregnant," says a rep, however, she is still 93% annoying.

• Tara Reid getting cockblocked from Hyde while Paris breezes right in = funny. The fact that the hottest club catering to young Hollywood is ironically blasting Kenny Loggins's "Footloose" = funnier.

• Lindsay Lohan changes her damn bikini almost as often as she changes her men.

• And speaking of Lindsay's wardrobe choices, she seems to have ditched the Kate Moss look and adopted a new fashion idol. The billowing, shapeless drawstring romper, the torpedo nips, the questionable footwear, the long, chalky black hair and the latte in hand . . . it's Britney all over again.

• Brad Pitt's parents were offended when, at Maddox Jolie-Pitt's birthday party, the elder Pitts were "the only ones not drinking." Including the 4-year-olds?

• Get Saved by the Buns when Mario Lopez (A.C. Slater) gets naked and homoerotic for Nip/Tuck.

• That Eminem boy has playdate with the little Girl Next Door, acts out, gets sent to the corner for a time out.

• Paris Hilton has been cast in a movie called The Hottie and the Nottie but keeps giving the thumbs down to potential leading men. An insider says, "A few [actors] have made it to a screen test with Paris but either the producers aren't happy or, more often, Paris has a problem with them. She is as picky with the men in her movies as she is in real life." AKA "not at all".  

We recently shared a moment with you--a moment in which a fading celebrity was in a pool with a small child and said child playfully pulled aside said celebrity's bikini top to reveal some just-above-the-water nipple. That celebrity was Courteney Cox, and we were totally stoked about the exposure of her nipple. This past weekend a similar situation occurred, but with slightly different results, due to the bikini top in question belonging to Tara Reid. We generally love nipples of all shapes, sizes, and configurations, but Tara Reid's nipple is less like a baby-suckling device and more like a plastic-surgery hot dog--pieced together out of leftover lips and assholes. It's probably 76% discarded Joan Rivers flesh.  

Last Friday, we were so engrossed in the idea of Jane Fonda rogering Ted Turner up the stinker that we completely missed pictures of Tara Reid showing off her robohooters again. CelebNewsWire deeply regrets the error. After the jump, we rectify the situation. But not rectumfy. That's Jane Fonda's job.  

Mocking Tara Reid is like hunting for myopic, legless, retarded albino deer. But still, we have a contractual obligation do it, so here goes nothin'.  

Tara Reid, finally realizing that her only hope for ever appearing on any screen large or small ever again consists of hosting an installment of Girls Gone Wild, has turned to diamond theft. Zale's countrywide are on high alert and have stocked their stores with cases of Captain Morgan's as a preventative measure.  

After her "devastating" breakup with Paris Latsis, Paris Hilton has wasted no time finding a new man and pissing off both Mary-Kate Olsen and Tara Reid. Girls, girls! Now, we all know there's only one way to settle this: pudding wrestling. Oh, wait. We're talking about Paris Hilton, Mary-Kate Olsen, and Tara Reid? Then we mean: girls, girls! Now, we all know there's only one way to settle this: throw you down a mile-deep pit and have you tear each other limb from limb. Or starve to death. Which wouldn't take long.  

We seem to write about Tara Reid a lot. In fact, we’ve already written about her twice this week. The girl is just damned entertaining. But apparently it’s people like us who keep the girl down. If it weren’t for the media portraying Tara as a constantly boozed-up and half-naked whore then she would be a respected actress who sips tea and knits doilies in her free time.  

It’s the day we’ve all been waiting for, folks; Tara Reid has finally talked about her boobs. Because we’re sure that you’ve been holding that razor blade to your wrist for months and months just waiting for Tara to say that she’s a broken woman thanks to her wayward-boob fiasco. If Tara is sad your life no longer has meaning and might as well be ended. Oh, and she talked about Playboy too.  

Sometimes we hear stories that make us wonder why we don’t attend more events like club openings in Las Vegas. Then we remember that we weren’t invited because we are an ugly and fat nobody and then we cry and cry and eat some Double Stuf Oreos until we hear an embarrassing story about Tara Reid and thank the God of Kabbalah that at least we are not her.  

Where in the hell does Tara Reid get all her money? We were under the assumption that E! let her host Wild On or Taradise or whatever the crap they’re calling it these days in exchange for however many quarts of gin she could hold before she fell over. But somehow she is able to book an extra hotel room just to house her shoes. We are stumped.  

We’ve all seen Tara Reid’s scarred-up fake boobies and lumpy ass, and we may have assumed that she was the celebrity most likely to host her own topless revue on VH1 Presents JiggleVision (to follow Paris Hilton's Sex and Chihuahuas Happy Hour, of course). But we were wrong. Tara hates nudity. And Germans.  

There was a brief period of time when Tara Reid was trying to convince the world that she was just a normal girl who liked a little nightcap once in awhile but never ended the night sleeping in her own vomit because she was too drunk to move. This was some time between her boob falling out of her dress without her noticing and showing some truly disgusting butt cleavage while being carried around a bar. Well, now Tara is so far gone that even Paris Hilton is refusing to be seen with her. Paris Hilton. The girl who gladly accepted Shannen Doherty’s discarded sex toy.  

Wearing a very very very abbreviated skirt with no underwear is something, like nipple scars and blavod breath, that we've just come to expect from Tara Reid. But Mischa Barton busting out a boob? Frankly, we expected more. No, no, Mischa, we're not going to ground you. We're just, you know, very disappointed in you. We thought you had better judgment. Listen, we're not going to tell your father about this, OK?  

Ridiculously large, hard-as-Dr.-Feelgood breast implants? Check. Television show on cable network no one watches that is a thinly veiled excuse to see said implants with minimal coverage? Check. Possible engagement to Tommy Lee? Check. Tara Reid's transformation into Pamela Anderson is just about complete. All she needs now are a couple of kids named after 90210 characters and a boycott of KFC.  

Do you remember how frigid and virginal Donna Martin was on 90210? How she made poor greasy David Silver wait for like ten years before she would finally get down to some humping? Well, Tori Spelling is no Donna Martin.  

You know you're a colossal fuckup when Tara Reid denies being friends with you.  

A train wreck takes a human form in Tara Reid, who inadvertently(?) showed off what the French call la palooka du plastique when she posed for photographers at P. Diddy's birthday blowout in New York.