A day in the life of Paris Hilton: gets called "piece of shit," is reminded to always remember her herpes medication, slips a boob. It's so much like a day in the life of CelebNewsWire, it's eerie.  

Paris Hilton is one of today's hottest starlets. Millions of men have paid to see her smoking pole on tape. Shanna Moakler was a Playboy Playmate, so presumably hundreds of thousands of men have stroked the baloney pony while gazing upon her naked body. And last night they got into a bitchfight over this man:



C'mon, ladies, if your night is going to end with multiple police reports, at least let it be over George Clooney. Or how about Adrian Grenier? He's hot. Even Colin Farrell we might understand. But a pop-punk drummer with a fauxhawk and necktoos? Is that really the best you can do?  

Did Lindsay Lohan and Harry Morton really break up? Was Linds really seen making out with our long lost favorite, Stamos Nachos? If someone took a picture of one of Lindsay's turds would we post it and call it newsworthy? And the answers are: maybe maybe not, possibly, and most definitely yes.  

Paris Hilton was seen smooching on and wrapping her legs around Stamos Nachos last weekend. Just like us, she can't get enough of his warm, gooey, Olsen-twin-wrangling cheesy goodness. And here we thought the only thing we had in common with Paris was a white-hot amateur porn career.  

• Vida Guerra displays her ripe rump for mateworthy males in Playboy.

• Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?

• Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.

• The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.

• Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.

• Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".

• Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.

• Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.

• You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.

• Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.  

Remember the other day when we said that keeping up with the visitation schedule in Lindsay Lohan's panties was a full-time job? Well, we probably shouldn't have kicked off early yesterday for a mid-afternoon lap dance, because we missed the news that Lindsay hooked up with our favorite fake celebrity, Stamos Nachos. And here we thought that we'd never get to talk about Stamos again after that Paris breakup. Long live Stamos Nachos and his Uncle Jesse, ooey-gooey, hot cheesy goodness!  

It seems like Paris Hilton has been hovering a bit below our radar lately (perhaps she's been hanging out at home with some Thai takeout and the complete MacGyver collection on DVD waiting for her Valtrex to kick in). So today we'll give you a three-fer in which Paris loses her Nachos (again), finds God, and gets a clit erection from smoking.  

Despite this entry's title, we will not be discussing Paris Hilton after a bout of heavy substance-injesting, leading Stamos Nachos to her pink boudoir, yanking down his pants, and making a ham-handed grab for a bedknob. Apologies.  

At first we skipped over the story regarding the conditions of the restraining order against Paris Hilton. We just weren't that shocked that someone would go to such lengths to avoid ever being in the same room as anyone who says "That's hot" eighty times an hour. But then one word jumped out at us as if it were in solid gold type studded with hot pink diamonds: herpes.  

We usually like our celebrity bladder-control-issue stories to be accompanied by photos, but when that story involves Paris Hilton leaving a puddle of urine in a cab without even noticing, our imagination can be just as good.  

Hasn't Mary-Kate Olsen suffered enough, what with the having arms the size of peppermint sticks and looking like a botoxed duck? Did you really have to take away her Nachos, Paris, with all that you have? Just because her bones are withered and brittle from malnutrition does not mean that she does not bleed. She hurts, dammit.  

• Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.

• Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.

• Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!

• After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.

• While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.

• She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.

• Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.

• Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.

• After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!

 

You may think your twenty-first birthday was bad, but after the barf was mopped up and the couch cushions were flipped over, the only real lasting effects were the derision of your loved ones and a case of HPV. Kelly Osbourne nearly had to pay $100,000 worth of damages, thanks to--you know him! You love him! Allll together now--Stamos Nachos!  

• Hepatitis A, Matt Damon, thongless male-on-male mud wrestling, and golden showers. We're not talking about Ben Affleck's bachelor party, we're talking about a Steven Soderbergh joint!

• Britney might be ready to finally get rid of those 170 extra pounds of ugly, useless flab. AKA, divorcing K-Fed.

• Or, she might be ready to accept a few more of his cornrowed sperms and bake another baby, because according to the oracle, it is written. Specifically, she's predicted to "fall pregnant", which sounds as if she's about to befall a hideous malady. Which is not too far off the mark, really.

• But who gives a crap, let's just look at Britney's pointy Spears, unfettered by brassieres. Hey, that rhymed.

• Madonna took it for a spin. It inspired Carmen Electra to bellow racial epithets. That's right, little ones--it's Dennis Rodman's rod, man (NSFW).

• Paris Hilton and the Jolly Greek Giant are still relaxing in the warm, bubbling hot tub of amorous rapture despite nasty rumors to the contrary and Baby Luv the Monkey's diabolical plot to tear them apart.

• Jennifer Aniston has been named GQ's (Wo)Man of the Year, along with her rumored beau Vince Vaughn and rapper 50 Cent. So, in order to be a major magazine's people of the year, all you have to do is A. have your husband divorce you after upgrading to a better model, B. bang aforementioned divorcée, or C. have Pittsburghers shoot each other during a screening of your movie. Oh man, we totally have next year's title in the bag!  

It's time for the Jolly Greek Giant to hide his Gold Cards in his spinach-leaf tunic and climb back up his beanstalk to his giant lair in sky, as it is being reported that Stamos Nachos and Paris Hilton have broken up. Paris has been seen wandering the streets of Las Vegas desperately searching for a replacement shipping heir in between vicious scratching and biting attacks from her pet monkey.  

• Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.

• Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.

• Renée Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.

• Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.

• Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".

• Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.

• Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!

 

Remember when it was rumored that Paris Hilton had a brand new and even dirtier sex tape, like, every other week? It got to the point where no one would have even cared unless said tape involved a goat, a forty-foot dildo, and a trampoline. One thing we did take notice of, though, was Paris's disdain for anyone who works for their money and her alleged use of the N-word. Well, it seems that Paris's new play penis also has no respect for his fellow human beings. He thinks the humiliation of homeless people is funnier than a Pauly Shore movie. (But now that we think about it, even C-SPAN is funnier than a Pauly Shore movie.)  

After its engagement-induced period of relative hibernation, Paris Hilton's vagina is hungry once again. Hungry for Greeks bearing gifts. Penile gifts.  

When we were in the fourth grade we had a boyfriend named Timmy. We were totally happy and in love for, like, two and a half whole weeks, but then we realized that Timmy was a really lame name and he couldn’t even afford to buy us the really good candy, so we found a new boyfriend and broke up with Timmy over the phone while our new boyfriend listened on the other end of our Swatch phone. It’s so nice to know that our patented fourth-grade break-up style was also employed by Paris Hilton when she told Paris Latsis to find a new pet vagina.  

After her "devastating" breakup with Paris Latsis, Paris Hilton has wasted no time finding a new man and pissing off both Mary-Kate Olsen and Tara Reid. Girls, girls! Now, we all know there's only one way to settle this: pudding wrestling. Oh, wait. We're talking about Paris Hilton, Mary-Kate Olsen, and Tara Reid? Then we mean: girls, girls! Now, we all know there's only one way to settle this: throw you down a mile-deep pit and have you tear each other limb from limb. Or starve to death. Which wouldn't take long.