• Large billboards instructing Katie Holmes to make like a silent, slow-moving three-toed sloth arrive at the Cruisian birth chamber. Chilling.

• And, according to the headline at FemaleFirst, she's about to deliver a bouncing baby iPod.

• Pam Mamderson is getting a little long in the tooth, and realizes that it isn't proper for mature women to bare their breasts. Instead, they wear see-through shirts. How positively demure!

• Star Jones babbles about her new boob job, Joy Behar tells her to shut her fat mouth, Star responds by calling Joy a bitch. Finally, a reason to watch The View.

• With those new fake lips, Jessica Simpson really makes an excellent Real Doll.

• Whoops, scratch that. Actually, Christina Aguilera makes the better inflatable hump toy.

• Madonna learns how to . . . c'mon! Krump! Let your body move to the music! Krump! Krump! Let your body go with the flow!

• Spawn of Affleck . . . revealed! Wait, where are its little horns, its eensy cloven feet?  

Is Star Jones being forced out of her co-hosting gig on The View? Does she have big blubber-pinching catfights with Joy Behar? Would any of this ever compel us to actually watch The View? The answer to that last question at least is a resounding no.  

Finally abandoning her dream of engaging in normal, missionary copulation with her husband, Star Jones gives up and gives it to Al the way he usually likes it.

More fun with Al n' Star here.  

If you felt a twinge of dread upon waking this morning, it wasn't just the realization that your office job is sapping your will to live. It was your brain telepathically picking up the news that Star Jones and her cute, cuddly, closety hubby Al want to have a baby. Good thing Halloween is almost here--she can dress up her vagina as an adult male anus and make those dreams come true!  

We at CelebNewsWire are not generally in the business of poking fun at Star Jones (or Star Jones Reynolds if you want to get picky about it). We think she makes a joke out of herself without any help from us. But when the Bridezilla fears that the public will confuse her with a six-foot-tall drag queen, well, we can't pass that up.