You may not have known that Sienna Miller and Jude Law have actually been together (TOGETHER together) for the past few months. But now, they are over for good. Finito. Officially. No, for real this time. Serious! No, don't roll your eyes at--oooh, you're asking for it, mister.  

• Elle Macpherson's still got it! Believe the hype, feel the magic, catch the wave, etc., etc.

• Anna Nicole sold the video of her C-section to Entertainment Tonight for $1 million. OK, so for those who like to keep count: she sold the last pictures of her with her son, she sold the pictures of her "commitment ceremony" to lawyer/barnacle Howard K. Stern, she sold the (incredibly bloody and brutal) video of her baby's birth. Next on the auction block: the baby.

• Moby hopes that if and when he has children, they will turn out gay. Gay children everywhere are hoping that if and when they are sired, it won't be to Moby.

• Ryan Phillippe says, in regards to rumors that he cheated on Reese Witherspoon, “I’m not a perfect person, but I’m not guilty of a lot of the things I have been accused of.” He's not guilty of a lot of those things. Just a bunch of them. A passel, if you will.

• Lindsay Lohan has been rear-ended. Has she ever!

• Sienna Miller gets revenge on Pittsburgh by showing her boobs. That'll learn 'em.

• Jordan (sweet, sweet Jordan) says that husband Peter Andre's past as a schtupper of tramps makes her sick. Apparently, she feels fine about him being a present schtupper of one tramp.

• Jessica Simpson makes with the cleavage; jazz hands.

 

Guess Sienna Miller has made peace with the fact that her pygmy-donged paramour, Jude Law, screwed his children's nanny while he and Sienna were engaged. She recently admitted to Rolling Stone:

"Monogamy is a weird thing to me. It's overrated because, let's face it, we're all fucking animals."

Listen, Sienna, we don't know what you and Jude do behind closed doors with kangaroos, naked mole rats, and other fauna, but don't drag the rest of us into your sick world.
After the cut, Sienna angers an entire major metropolitan area.  

• Suri No Middle Name Cruise pictures might finally appear soon . . . in Vanity Fair! Hopefully on the cover, wrapped in swaddling clothes, using Scarlett Johansson's ass crack as a manger.

• Bryce Dallas Howard is baking up a big batch of baby.

• Kate Bosworth ate! Ate cigarettes, water, and lettuce. Baby steps, people.

• Pam from The Office becomes Pam from The Duff-ass.

• When Janet Jackson wants her water cold, she wants her water cold, dammit. Also, yes, she did feel that pea placed under her 12 mattresses last night.

• Newly-separated Dave Navarro is dating newly-separated Jenna Jameson. And she's now #1 on his MySpace Top 8, so you know it's love.

• Jen and Vince: engaged! Whhheeeeeeee! Yayyyyy! Whoooo! Who gives a crap! All riiiiight!

• Robin Williams is in rehab. Body hair rehab, we hope.

• Sienna Miller dons dirty pink cowboy boots, a wedding dress, a red Cleopatra wig, and an exposed upskirt cotton panty look. Indeed, she is truly the fashion icon of our time.  

Sienna Miller has demonstrated time and time again that she's not exactly the shiniest coin in the fountain, but she's now reached new lows of mental ineptitude--she's taken to gulping pills in a bid to make her breasts grow. We're not sure where she got said pills, but we're 99% certain they came from an ad in the back of YM, or they're actually Good n' Plentys provided by Sienna's older brother.  

• Maggie Gyllenhaal's been impregnated by, and is now engaged to, Peter Sarsgaard. Congrats, Gaardhaal.

• We told you about Sienna Miller supposedly being snapped doing some career-threateningly embarrassing cavorting at a VF party. Here are the pics. BFD.

• Kristanna Loken: if you're Loken for an upskirt shot, you've found one.

• Jennifer Love Hewitt says that Fez is a dirty liar and that she absolutely did not take a ride on his baloney pony.

• Keri Russell, NAKED in a magazine. However, it's Vanity Fair, so there's no real Felicity felititty.

• Women want Kelly Brook's body. They want her body baaad.

• Paris Hilton shows off her sultry pipes. And for once, we're not talking about her poon chasm.

• That little girl from Pete and Pete is now a plumber.

• Mariah Carey's foxy ex-boyfriend upgrades to Cindy Crawford. She's planning on leaving her husband and moving into her new love's refrigerator box in Shantytown, USA.  

The upcoming issue of Vanity Fair is rumored to contain some interesting photos of Sienna Miller "cavorting drunkenly with bit-part actress Tara Summers, having her foot nibbled by her pal and hitching up her dress while waving her bare legs in the air," spurring various folks to grab their pearls and gasp about her damaged reputation. Huh. Might this have something to do with VF's latest offering being "The Green Issue", rumored to be . . . uh . . . boring? Vanity Fair, you should be ashamed at making Sienna Miller your fall guy. There's only one fall guy around here, and his name is Lee Majors. Don't you forget it.  

For months we've been scratching our noodles over this whole Sienna-Miller-cast-as-Edie-Sedgwick thing. Seeing pictures of Sienna all tarted up and modded out for Factory Girl is like looking at your nerdy cousin wearing a bad Edie Sedgwick costume. But there's one thing that Sienna has in common with her '60s idol: a fine predilection for pulling her snoobs out whenever the mood strikes. And for that, we salute her. With boners. Miles and miles of boners.  

"It is futile to resist the hot-pants-with-tights combo. I am a fashion icon. Everything I wear--whether I look like a sailor or a genie or a zombie extra from Fame--is fabulous. Look into the camel toe and you will believe. Join me. Join me. Join me . . . "  

Man, we might as well change the name of this site to VanityFairNewsWire because that's all we ever talk about anymore. To recap: Rachel McAdams gives the stink face to posing nude on the cover, Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley do it anyway, though all you can really see is Scarlett's kazoo, and Angelina Jolie ponies up some crackage inside the mag. Oh, but there's more. Much more. But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Sienna Miller's cans are the sun.  

Are you completely out of touch with the world? Are you still clinging to a stained and torn copy of 1987's JCPenney catalog, the lingerie section of which you have completely devoted to memory? Do you need new meat for your masturbatory fantasies? Ask Men is here for you, Mr. Stuck in the '80s Man, and has helpfully compiled a list of the 99 women you should most want to have sex with. And, no, the 17-year-old girl who works at KFC who kind of looks like your hot cousin isn't on it, you sick freak.  

• Kelly Osbourne thinks Paris Hilton inspires parents to dress their children like hookers. Would she rather the children of the world take fashion cues from her?


• Is Liz Hurley all knocked up again? Does anyone care?

• Nicky Hilton calls Mischa Barton a "fat pig". Huh. Maybe she meant "stuck pig"?

• Remember those Lisa Loeb thong shots we showed you yesterday? Of course you do. Well, now you can see those pictures move! It's called "the talkies", which translates to "motile ass".

• Jodie "Stephanie Tanner" Sweetin was a meth head, but she's since Cut! It! Out!

• Oh, speaking of thongs, flash leads to a see-through dress in Alyssa Milanoland.

• Egotastic!'s got the poop scoop on what's really going down betwixt Sienna Miller and Darth Vader. It's considerably less sexy than previously thought.

• Tyra Banks rocks the pit stubble. Fierce!!!

• Quote of the year: "If you're going to be raped in a movie, it may as well be Vincent Cassel." Oh, Jennifer Aniston, you are so terribly high-larious.

• Oh yeah, Oscar nominees.

• Tom Cruise's next potential film project will be a "contemporary romance". We have a good idea for a romantic film! Boy divorces girl, elders at boy's cult pay new girl to perpetrate like she's dating boy, boy jumps on furniture, cult elders impregnate girl with mythical animal-human hybrid, and . . . aw, never mind. Nobody would buy it.  

Kate Moss? Pffft. Edie Sedgwick? Bahhh. Looks like Sienna Miller's found a new celebrity style to jock. Remember when we told you that Jessica Simpson was seen leaving Adam Levine's hotel room the morning after, looking all disheveled and postcoital? Well, "disheveled and postcoital" is the new boho! Pretty soon we'll be seeing Pavarotti pics of MK Olsen leaving the Roosevelt, eschewing her more traditional cowboy-boots-and-oversized-sweater deal for a more modern, cutting edge unbrushed-teeth-and-dried-semen ensemble.  

Kate Moss is pissed because Sienna Miller has stolen her job. Guess the market for drug-addled boyfriend-stealers is booming. Oh, wait, she meant the modeling thing. Right.  

So you're Sienna Miller and you're desperately trying to make yourself into the next Julia Roberts or some such. You land a sweet part as a crazy naked girl in a movie opposite People Sexiest Man Alive and manage to get him to profess his everlasting love to you. Then he fucks his nanny and everyone magically knows your name. You've discovered the joy of media attention. You make up and break up every other week just to keep your name on the tips of everyone's tongues. But then you realize that the public isn't so interested in your man candy now that he's not in every fifth movie at their megaplex (and now that they've seen his wee little pee-pee) and you take a look around you. Who's that man costarring in your latest project? And is he about to have a good year? It sure looks like it, Sienna Miller.  

• Posh Spice teaches us how to dress for seduction. Is the secret tan-in-a-can, fake lips like a couple of BMX tires, and robohooters? Because we're one step ahead of you, Posh.

• Posh is also planning on writing a children's book. Just as soon as she learns how to write.

• There are never enough headlines that include the words "Kate Beckinsale" and "ass".

• Wow. Sienna Miller's doing a really, really, really, really bad job of channeling Edie Sedgwick. Really bad.

• Eva Longoria and Jamie Foxx, also known as the two most irritatingly overrated stars in the cosmos, might have hooked up. Good. Maybe they'll fall in love and go live in the bottom of the sea somewhere.

• Drew Barrymore and her huge snoobs are awesome. Don't hate. Congratulate.

• Brad and Angelina's golden fetus says, "Does this ultrasound make me look fat?"

• You know it's a slow gossip day when this is the headline of the day.

• William Shatner's nugget of crystallized urine builds houses for the underprivileged. Yeah, you heard us.

• Howard Stern admits to having a little plastic surgery. We thought his tits were looking particularly fabulous lately.  

• Christina Applegate's husband of four years, Jonathan Schaech, has filed for divorce. We looked him up on IMDb to see what he's done recently, only to find that he's been tapped to play Dalton in the sequel to Road House! Christina, are you crazy? You don't incur the wrath of James Dalton. He will rip your throat the hell out with his bare hands!

• Sienna Miller seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Leo DiCaprio seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Thus, it was only natural that these two master canoodlers would eventually canoodle their way into each other's cozy, canoodly arms.

• The photog who snapped the now infamous but as yet unseen topless photos of Jen Aniston speaks! And he drops a juicy little nugget in the process. Mee-yow!

• You know Eminem's ex-wife, Kim? The one he's threatened to murder? The one who's been jailed several times and was thrown out of rehab for blowing a teenage patient? Well, they're going to remarry. Now that's a terrific idea.

• Although Lindsay Lohan was struck down with food poisoning and unable to make it to her scheduled Regis and Kelly appearance, she looked fit as a fiddle a few hours later on TRL. It's a Christmas miracle!

• You'll get sprong for Famke Janssen's thong. Yeah, that was dumb. Like you could do better? Jerk.

• Brad Pitt faces a long hard road when it comes to adopting Angelina's wee babes . . . unless he marries her. My, how positively convenient.

• Mariah's wearing clams on her boobs, which kind of makes you wonder what she might be wearing on her clam.  

• Paris Hilton believed in Santa Claus until she was seventeen years old. Oh, how the tears must have flowed when she found out that it was actually her parents enjoying the milk and cookies and VD she'd been leaving out for Kris Kringle all those years.

• In addition to being a pedophile with a candy-striped dingdongulus, Michael Jackson is an anti-Semitic a-hole. Way to endear yourself to a sizeable chunk of your fan base. And the majority of the recording industry.

• Cindy Crawford says, "Listen, bitches. I've been at this whole 'posing wet and half naked with my mouth seductively parted' racket for over fifteen years now. Step aside, and let me show you galumphing elephants how it's done. Amateur hour is over, whores."

• Tommy Lee is such a damn cigarette fiend that he considered hiring a private jet to fly him to Jack Osbourne's birthday party, so he could smoke on the plane. Also, he hates airport security because his wallet chain sets off alarms. Poor Tommy, seemingly unaware that a wallet is not a part of the body, and a wallet chain is not an unremoveable piercing.

• Christina Aguilera dons the best in 1987 wedding gear. Mazel tov to the newlyweds!

• Charlize Theron in a bikini, just because.

• They're on! They're off! They're on again! They're fucking the nanny! Fucking Bond! Fighting! Crying! Breaking up! Together again! Listen, Jude and Sienna. Pick something and stick with it. Either get married, or set each other on fire. Just shit or get off the pot, please.

• Little Sean Preston Federspears makes his official pictorial debut in People magazine. He's got his father's looks. Hopefully he has his mother's brain. Er, maybe we mean father's brain. No, not that either. Shit, that kid is screwed.

 

Usually when we dump our fiancé because he’s been caught cheating with the nanny, we don’t go cheating on him after we’ve gotten back together, but that’s just us. And as you may have noticed, Sienna Miller is not us.  

• In case Paris Hilton's nipples weren't enough for you the first one thousand and eight times, here's more.

• No, no one is shocked by Kate Moss's boogar sugar use, but still, repercussions. Don't fire Kate, fancy fashion people! Don't force little Lila Grace to wear last season's Burberry!

• Looks like Jude and Sienna may be back on. CoughBABYcough.

• Debra Messing consults her nip-oracle for post-Will and Grace career advice.

• Ewan McGregor gets his dong sucked.

• Jennifer Lopez is a barbarian. She will skin an animal with her bare hands, slap its bloodied hide on her back, and then beat you with your own prosthetic leg. This story made us laugh, because we are dark and cold and bad inside.

• And because we were too lazy to post it yesterday, here it is: Prez Bush forges a bathroom pass.  

All's been fairly quiet on the Sienna-Jude front. No talk of Jude going spelunking in nannycaves, and only vague whisperings of Sienna cooking up a genetically superior blonde Law-Miller hybrid. But yesterday, the pregnancy denials popped up anew, and today's news conveniently negates yesterday's empty-womb excuses. How terrifically convenient.  

• We've been warning you for weeks now, but the day is upon us: the ill-famed Tom Sizemore sex tape is now available for your online perusal. It's here, it's real. Live it, love it, own it.

• Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.

• Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!

• Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.

• The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it was an alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!

• Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.

• Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.

• For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.

 

For the first time since Nannygate 2k5, Sienna Miller and Jude Law were spotted together, seemingly trying to patch up their relationship, proving that, for Sienna at least, size doesn't matter.  

Star magazine just can't seem to keep their noses out of celebrities' uteruses (uteri?). Seemingly unsatified to speculate on the state of Demi Moore's ripened womb, they've turned their hungry eyes and pens to Sienna Miller's womanly cavity and are reporting that the actress is six weeks gone with Jude Law's love child. NICE TIMING, KID.  

Cheery news for a gloomy Monday: Sienna Miller has magically shined the turd that is her life and transformed it into gold! Her public humiliation at the hands of her nannyboinking ex-fiancé has made her a household name, and now she has to beat casting directors off with a length of PVC pipe.  

OK, so in case you aren't able to follow what's going on with this whole foursome of mega wicked pretty Brit celebs, we're going to break it down for you all nice and easy-like. Because we care.  

After learning that her fiancé had been giving the nanny a special bonus with her paycheck, Sienna Miller is reportedly "devastated". But not too devastated to enjoy some face time with her exes! And by "face time" we mean "necking". And by "necking" we mean "making out". And by "making out" we mean . . . making out.  

In the grand tradition of such loveable limey cads as David Beckham and Hugh Grant, Jude Law has admittingly porked his nanny, causing wee Sienna Miller to promptly dump him. It's only a matter of time until Law appears on a popular American late-night talk show all sheepish and devastatingly handsome, shaking his golden forelock over his high, bronzed forehead while cheekily saying, "I was a bad, bad boy," We'll all sigh dreamily and promptly forgive him, Sienna included. Glorious!  

It looks like poor Sienna Miller has been dropped from the title role in Factory Girl, the upcoming film about doomed Warhol superstar/socialite/speed freak Edie Sedgwick. Reportedly the directors wanted a bigger name to star, and they've all but decided on . . . Katie Holmes? Hm, Joey Potter getting shock therapy, Joey Potter shooting enough drugs to kill a herd of yaks, Joey Potter engaging in promiscious sex . . . yeah, we can see it.  

Another day, another fresh batch of piping hot nip slips fresh out of the red carpet oven and onto our waiting desks. Up today: steaming, tasty nipcakes from Sienna Miller and Katie Holmes. Eat up!