Sharon Stone recently skipped out on an AIDS benefit after she claimed that a Barbie doll that had been made in her image specifically for the event looked "nothing" like her. Which means the plastic doll's breasts turned out more lifelike than hers.  

Remember about six months ago when you couldn't open a tabloid or peruse a gossip blog without hearing Sharon Stone ramble on about how sexy she was, and how shocking it was that she was sexy cause she's old? Looks like grandma is sick of only getting attention from her cats, so she decided to whip out some nipples. We are shocked! Shocked at her audacious nudity! Shouldn't she be wrapped in a shawl watching 20/20 and screaming about those damn kids on her lawn?  

Basic Instinct 2 premiered Monday night to resounding boos, snickers, jeers, heckles, derision, uncontrollable wheezing, intense scorn, spontaneous hives, reverse peristalsis, the vapors, convulsions, explosive diarrhea, coma, and death.  

Great news for teenage girls! Sharon Stone has come up with a simple solution for that pesky problem called "date rape". If your suitor is getting a bit too persistent in the back of mom's Camry and you find yourself unable to avoid unwanted intercourse, what should you do? No, no, don't jab your fingers in the guy's eyesockets and run like hell to safety. Instead, offer him a beej. It's a nice, quick fix for all involved parties. Thanks, Shazza!  

Happy "Scary Pictures of People Who Were in Basic Instinct" Day, everybody!



Celebrate by taking an icepick and cramming it clean through your eyeballs! Phew, that's better.  

Listen, we're human, just like you. We wake up in the morning full of bitter regret, put our pants on one leg at a time, have to go to work and pay taxes and excrete our bodily waste into the toilet, just like everybody else. And yes, sometimes we make mistakes. There, we said it, goddammit. Are you satisfied? We once told you that Sharon Stone would be using a body double in the much-anticipated Basic Instinct sequel and we were wrong, okay? Wrong! Christ! So shut up. Oh, shit, you're crying. Shh, no. There, there. No need to cry. Your CelebNewsWire didn't mean to get so cross with you, sweetheart. It's okay. Shhhh.  

Do you wanna see an old lady's tits today? And do you want to see her in a threesome? Of course you do. But now that we've gotten you excited for some hardcore nudity from Jessica Tandy or Angela Lansbury, we'll tell you that it's Sharon Stone. We know you've seen it before. But that doesn't mean that you're not going to click on that little thingy that says "more" and watch a deleted scene from Basic Instinct 2.  

Let's check in with our own Mr. Miyagi, FemaleFirst, and see what they're up to today. It looks like they're talking about Sharon Stone. What exactly do they have to say about our favorite fortysomething who thinks she's eighteen? (We saw her hanging out at the roller rink last weekend saying gnarly and fo' shizzle. It was really embarrassing.) "The sexy actress has revealed her pet pussy is a great substitute for a guy." Looks like we've got a new Eva Longoria on our hands.  

It's Monday morning, and that means naked pictures. Actually, it doesn't normally mean naked pictures, it means hangovers and self-loathing. But sometimes one likes to "mix it up", as the kids say, so Naked Picture Monday it is. Sharon Stone is three hundred and seventy-two years old but in these Basic Instinct 2 preveiws she still looks hotter than a vindaloo in the furthest reaches of hell, so we're pretty peeved at the fact that we can't make fun of her. She's still a moron, however, which gives us some semblance of comfort.  

• Actor Chris Penn found dead in Santa Monica. Goodnight, Willard, may you dance around tractors in heaven. Let's hear it for the boy.

• Oh baby, Keith! Keith's got what Kidman neee-eeeeds! But she say he's just a friend! She she say he's just a friend!

• Promo pics of an old but still trampy Sharon Stone from the upcoming Basic Instinct 2. No, she's not showing her 'tang.

• Unlike George Bush, Pam Anderson's ass cares about black people.

• Paris Hilton knows that the most flattering accessory for any modern girl's nip slip is a pair of kicky handcuffs. Sassy!

• Headline of the century.

• Avril Lavigne grows up, loses tie and armwarmers, looks purdy.

• If the Pavarotti deign to snap pictures of Russell Crowe's preggo wife, they will be "tarred and feathered." Which is a step up from "phoned and phoned."  

• We're scared, and expecting Renée Zellweger to show up at our offices with a sack of nickels and a sawed-off shotgun any day now.

• In the real world, when a guy plies a girl with booze and coerces her to strip, it's called date rape. In Hollywood, when it happens to Sly Stallone and Sharon Stone, it's called movie magic!

• BarryMORE, braLESS.

• Paparazzi didn't cause Lindsay Lohan's Benz bust-up, illegal U-turns did. GodDAMN, girl's got some good spin doctors.

• Hey, don't look at us! We've been abiding by the strict "at least 500 yards away at all times" clause in that restraining order Freddie Prinze Jr. took out on us. Right, Freddie? Right? Heh heh. Heh . . . heh. Heh?

• Man. For a pointy-faced prepubescent weinerless elf, Orlando Bloom sure gets around town with the pretty ladies.

• Thank GOD a dangerous criminal mastermind like Kate Moss will soon be behind bars! London, your streets are now safe again.  

Despite her recently flaunting her naked knockers on a beach in Bora Bora, Sharon Stone has retired her naked parts from the screen indefinitely. We apologize in advance for the following sentence: thanks for the mammaries, Shaz!  

Perhaps she couldn't find a sitter. Perhaps the boy is easily soothed to sleep relaxing inside a car. Perhaps he was being punished for using wire hangers. Listen, we can go back and forth arguing the reasons Sharon Stone left her adopted 4-year-old son Roan inside a car for two hours while she enjoyed a dinner date, but the fact of the matter remains: she's probably gonna be in Playboy soon, and it's easy to set our differences aside and agree that this is pretty neato.  

So Sharon Stone and her boyfriend Eason Jordan had a violent fight while on vacation in Bora Bora. Lesser humans would cry, pack up their belongings, and fly home. Sharon Stone, however, responded by whipping off her top, hanging out on the beach, and picking up a shiny, brand new guy. All in a matter of hours. We are in awe. And a little scared, to be completely honest.  

Nicolette Sheridan visits a surgeon . . . to prove she's allll natural, Sharon Stone sues, Nicole Kidman's new, improved, 98% more bankable knees. Read on.