• Jessica Simpson has lost the part of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie because movie bosses are concerned she'd out-diva the biggest diva on the set, John Travolta. Oooops, we meant to say Jennifer Lopez. Did we really say "John Travolta"? How silly of us.

• So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

• Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

• Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

• Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

• Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

• Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

• Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

• Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

• Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!  

Sharon Osbourne (OMG we totally remember her!) is reportedly getting her cans cut back down to C-size after recently getting gigantic breast implants, presumably so Ozzy could be able to locate them with his gnarled, dithering hands.  

Sharon Osbourne may not really be relevant or interesting or cute or nice or talented or intelligent or a good dancer or a gourmet chef or a great parent or naturally sweet-smelling or--wait, what were we saying? Oh yeah. Sharon Osbourne may not be relevent, but she sure is high-larious, especially when she's taking the piss out of the insufferable Madonna.  

Gear up for 1987, kids, it’s metal mania family feud time. We’ve got Bruce Dickinson vs. the Osbournes and Sebastian Bach vs. Vince Neil’s entire family. Complete with projectiles and more swear words than an S&M session between Courtney Love and a sailor on leave.  

Sandra Bullock, Sharon Osbourne, and Leonardo DiCaprio are among the celebrities who are wisely donating money to post-tsunami relief effort in Asia. Another big celebrity, Kabbalah, is donating 10,000 liters of its special "holy" water. Uh . . . thanks?  

Sharon Osbourne is reportedly in talks to join the cast of The Vagina Monologues. We don't know about the rest of you, but when we try to list all the celebrities whose poons we want to know more about, Sharon doesn't even crack the top 50.  

Ozzy Osbourne, God love him, gives more details about his recent brush with crime-fighting: "I had [the burglar] in a headlock, the rest of his body was dangling out of the window. He was choking . . . I thought, 'I could snap your neck like a straw, snap it and let you fall and say it was an accident.'" Ozzy went on to say, "Did I say I had ONE in a headlock? I meant six. And they were ninjas. Half-man, half-cobra ninjas."  

Thieves recently stole away with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry taken from Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne's Buckinghamshire home while they slept. Word on the street is that Ozzy caught one of the burglars in a headlock before the intruder dived out of a 30 ft. high window, which we find a little hard to believe, seeing how Ozzy can't even put on his pants by himself.  

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne have finally realized that every drop of hype has been milked, squeezed, or otherwise cajoled out of their reality show, The Osbournes, and are calling it a day.