Celebrity sex tapes: not just a fad for also-rans and F-listers anymore. No, friends, esteemed thespian Dustin "Screech" Diamond and his Dirty Sanchez have elevated the previously mockable medium to a legitmate art form, and now even silver screen heavyweights are getting in on the action. Like . . . maybe . . . Scarlett Johansson? Possibly? Mayhaps?  

In one of the more bizarre stories we've heard in the last, oh, decade, Scarlett Johansson is recording her own album. While dewy-bosomed starlets releasing records is nothing new, the normal genre for actress crossover music falls somewhere between "tin pap" and "crap pop", while Scarlett is actually cutting a platter of Tom Waits covers. Says IMDb:

Lost In Translation star Scarlett Johansson has signed a deal to make her first record, Scarlett Sings Tom Waits, according to media reports in the US. The album is being recorded at the moment and sessions will continue through the winter, with a possible release next spring from Rhino Records' currently re-activated Atco label. According to Fox News, the 21-year-old is recording a whole album of songs by premier singer/songwriter Waits.

Hopefully, this will ignite a hot new trend amongst the teen celebs-turned-singers set, because we are so looking forward to purchasing our very own copies of Mary-Kate Olsen Does Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds and Trout Mask Replica as Interpreted by Jamie Lynn Spears.  

If the increasing prevalence of these internet "blog" thingies has taught us anything, it's that all women are ugly. No, really. Post a picture of Kate Moss or Anne Hathaway or Jessica Alba and within seconds, you will have six dozen people scrambling for their keyboards to express their disgust in regards to the picture. If you can make out one pore, she "has repulsive cystic acne." If you can't, she's "over-airbrushed." If her eyebrows aren't tiny, skinny lines, she "has a fucking monobrow! Sick!" Butts are too flat, ears are too misshapen, and the nipples, oh, sweet Christ, the nipples. The internet has taught us that all women's nipples are monstrous and should be hidden from view at all costs, lest they inspire a veritable deluge of regurgitation.

But we're throwing down the gauntlet here. Challenging y'all. We dare you--nay, we triple dog dare you--to find something objectionable about these "Sexiest Woman Alive" pictures of Scarlett Johansson from Esquire.

 

Scarlett Johansson has jumped on Sienna Miller's nonmanogamy gravy train, saying that humans are basically animals. While it doesn't have the same charming ring to it as Sienna's "we're all fucking animals," remember that Scarlett is widely recognized for her class and poise and will gladly leave the bestiality to barbarians like Miller.  

Usually, when we post pictures of actresses in various states of undress, we end up using garishly-lit paparazzi photos that include unflattering angles, disheveled clothing, armpit stubble, and such and such. But we only do that for you, the reader. We at CelebNewsWire are not boorish curs like the rest of you. We have class and style and grace. We wear antique cufflinks and use monogrammed hankies and secret our opium away in the ivory knob of our walking stick. And that's why today, we'd like to class it up with these pictures of Dita Von Teese and Scarlett Johansson lezzing out for Flaunt magazine.

 

Scarlett Johansson has been named Esquire magazine's "Sexiest Woman Alive". Jessica Alba nabbed the title of "Most Kissable" by readers of The Sun. And Beyoncé's buns are wearing a little crown today, as they've been deemed "Best Booty" by the discerning readers of In Touch Weekly. Which begs the question: who possesses the sexiest and most kissable ass? Did we just blow your mind?  

Poor celebrities. They can't even make a trip to the waxer without someone being a stool pigeon and singing to the press. Scarlett Johansson is now the victim of a loose-lipped waxer who says that the star was terrified while recently getting her first Brazilian. Unlike, say, hooting about your deep love of having your vagina hair torn out by the roots at any given opportunity. Like certain other actresses we can think of.  

You thought you had it so good living next door to that old hippie dude who grows weed in his basement and is really friendly and likes to bake up a huge batch of pot brownies every week and share them with the whole neighborhood. But if you were Scarlett Johansson's neighbor, you might wake up in the middle of the night to find her drunkenly wandering around your kitchen searching for munchies. We'll wait here while you consult with your real estate agent.  

Critics are having a hard time with Scarlett Johansson's new movie, The Black Dahlia. They all agree that while the movie is captivating, they had a hard time following the plot after watching Scarlett's sex scene with her real-life man-candy, Josh Hartnett. We mean "hard" time literally here.  

Scarlett Johansson and her charmingly squinty man-candy Josh Hartnett are not only handsomer than most Hollywood couples, they're smarter, too. Eschewing the usual Tinseltown courting timeline--meet on movie set, drop respective mates, deny romance while making out in nightclubs, get engaged after three months, marry, fight, divorce after 11 more months--they're taking it slow. After a year or so of dating, they're moving in together. And getting their bedroom soundproofed. While it's not on the same level as, say, Paris Hilton's stripper pole in the kitchen or Pam Anderson installing a trapeze in the bedroom she shared with Tommy Lee, it's still impressive. As long as it's not to mask the sounds of Josh weeping with inadequacy after being faced with the two most celebrated bosoms in recent history.  

Scarlett Johansson is just a regular bloke like the rest of us. She goes to strip clubs and gets lap dances. But unlike the rest of us she doesn't have to go home and sob into her Santa Bear that she was so close to such beautiful breasts and couldn't touch them. She gets to touch her own beautiful breasts. She really does have it all.  

So what were the serious journalists over at In Touch doing while People was negotiating their $4.1 million buy of the Brangelina family fun pics? They were rating celebrity racks. Because who cares about Piloh Shitt when there are boobs to ogle?  

Things that make you go "hmm": Scarlett Johansson showing her ass for free on the cover of Vanity Fair but refusing to pose for sexy shots for L'oreal, a company paying her five million bones. Not that we're saying paying someone an exorbitant amount of money gives someone license to force the payee to strip or anything. That raises a bunch of dicy "prostitution" questions that we'd rather leave to philosophers and experts and people who watched that one movie with Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson.  

Scarlett Johansson in a bikini.  

Another day, another lad mag tells you whom you should masturbate to tonight. And in what may be the upset of the century--or at least right behind that whole Crash/Brokeback Mountain thing--Scarlett Johansson is now your top masturbatory fantasy. Jessica Alba is crying into her no-nudity clause as we speak.  

• A slight look at Kelly Hu's Hu-ters.

• Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest dating? She says she "really enjoys his company". Well, duh. He knows about all the sample sales ahead of time, and he's so fun to enjoy a decadant whipped yogurt (only 140 creamy, dreamy calories!) with, while getting a deep tissue massage!

• OMG! Victoria's Secret is that Adriana Lima is a total virgin!!!

• Whoa, here she comes. Watch out, boy, Lindsay Lohan will chew you up.

• Sorry, ladies! Handsome beef-a-roni hunk Jack Black is officially off the market.

• Sorry again, ladies! Studly demigod Michael Bolton is also officially off the market. Enjoy that, Nicolette Sheridan.

• Jessica Alba is officially sexy, we know, but now Scarlett Johansson has been deemed certifiably pretty. Good to know.

• "Little black book" is just one of the many practical purposes served by Pam Anderson's grotesquely colossal plastic breasts.

• We mourn the demise of the leg man. If you're one of them, you will probably want to look into Paulina Rubio. Damn, that tomato's got some nice pegs.

• Paris Hilton prepares to get back to 1985 after harnessing a bolt of lightning hitting the clock tower.  

Scarlett Johoho has broken her silence and is bravely speaking out for the first time about her breasts' harrowing encounter with a homosexual at the Golden Globes.  

We continue our round-the-clock coverage of Scarlett Johansson's cans and their whereabouts and goings-on with a tale of tantric sex that her beau, Josh Hartnett, tells, complete with the amazing quote:

"Sex rocks! Sex is really cool!"

We tried to think of something snarky to write here, but if one were to have intercourse with Scarlett Johansson, I'm sure one would be inclined to don a white baseball hat and a Coed Naked Twister shirt, high-five any and all errant passersby, and whoop, hyena-like, "Who da man now, dawg? I'm da man! I'm da man! Whoooo! WHOOOOOOOOOOO!"  

A couple of months ago, we told you about Rachel McAdams storming off the set of a Vanity Fair cover shoot because it required her to show tasteful nudity-but-not-really-nudity. A preview of said cover was revealed today, and while there is nary a Rachel to be seen, there's something even better: Scarlett Johansson flanks. Coincidentally, we had a big bowl of those for breakfast.  

2006 to-do list: Become major fashion designer, pretend to like wieners, touch Scarlett Johansson's boob. And because we happen to be a classy gay dude who doesn't get any erotic enjoyment out of the sensation of touching Scarlett's soft, supple, sensuous secondary sexual characteristic she will just giggle and smile. Thanks for the idea, Isaac Mizrahi!  

• Macauley Culkin and That '70s Show's Mila Kunis have been shopping for engagement rings and getting ready to create the dirtiest sounding hyphenated surname ever: Kunis-Culkin. Penis-Cockin'? Pubis-Caulking?

• Kim Raver: nice boob. We mean, shirt.

• PopBitch sez: "Jake Gyllenhaal was in London last week to promote Jarhead. He was without on-off love Kirsten Dunst but quickly had another girl in tow, whom he attempted to impress by telling her he'd also shagged Chelsea Clinton." Well, we're impressed. And by "impressed", we mean "the opposite of impressed".

• Listen, Lindsay, you had your moment as Owner of the Best Breasts in Young Hollywood but you blew it, OK? You fucked it up. Put the Sharpie down and back away from the bathroom wall. The tiara has been passed. The tiara has been passed.

• White of teeth and gargantuan of boob, Jenna Jameson ruled the AVN Awards.

• Hey cancer, you can ravage Kylie Minogue's breasts but you will never! Take! That ass!!!

• Cindy Crawford pix! Actually, Cindy Crawford picks.  

You cannot fault Jonathan Rhys-Meyers for sneaking a glance of Scarlett Johansson's breasts. Her firm, ripe breasts. Like mouthwatering fresh papayas on a sultry desert isle, waiting to be plucked. Her breasts like two delicate full moons giving off a gentle, opaline glow in an inky night sky. Warm, soft, beckoning. Globular and pendulous, tipped with the fresh blush of youth. Tits like sugar, sugar kisses. Wait, what were we talking about again?  

You think your girlfriend is really cool, right? She lets you have control of the remote and even keeps her mouth shut when you pop in a Girls Gone Wild DVD. Well, she's no Scarlett Johansson. She says, "Go pork other girls. That's cool with me."  

• Natalie Portman: Last of the Mohicans.

• Dear Russell Crowe: PLEASE PUNCH US. WE NEED THE CASH.

• Scar-Jo and Josh Hartnett (Jo-Ho?) move in together! Eh, it's destined to fail. "Scarlett Hartnett" just sounds so douchey.

• Fleck's million-pound pits.

• Annie Hall is porking Ted "Theodore" Logan.

• Ohhhh, when Keef says Mick has a laughably tiny weenis, that's supposed to be a compliment. We see, we see.

• Does a rapper sire twelve billion babies and have two wives? Mos Def!

 

As if it’s not bad enough that Scarlett Johansson is terrified by the sight of her own boobs and can’t convince directors to let her take her clothes off, Patrick Swayze doesn’t appreciate her praise. You know, cause he gets so damn much of it these days.  

Scarlett Johansson's snoobs appear so enormous in a new billboard for The Island that they nearly caused Scarlett herself to crash her car. In your face, Angelyne.  

• Brad Pitt has been diagnosed with viral meningitis. Whatever. We still think cuz got the dysentery.

• The Butterscotch Stallion develops a taste for chocolate.

• Hey, Scarlett. Why don't you take a fricking picture, it'll last longer.

• We have trouble believing that even the most desperate kiddiefucker in a roving gang of Hollywood pedophiles would be hard up enough to want to molest Corey Feldman.

• Meee-yow! Anna Nicole, you delicious bitch!

• Tom Cruise gives his 11-year-old costar Dakota Fanning a cell phone. Now he can beam Scientology propaganda directly into her easily-molded young brain, and she can call her coke dealer without being hassled by the 'rents. Everybody wins!

• You Know It's a Slow Gossip Day When: Angela Lansbury's knee surgery makes top headlines. Godspeed, Mrs. Potts!  

Quiet, please. We're trying to concentrate on penning an open letter to lingerie companies, begging them to manufacture only shoddy, ill-constructed, itchy brassieres. Because if no high-quality bras are available, Scarlett Johansson will go without. Forever. And, you know. She's got nice cans.  

Scarlett Johansson is no fool. She knows what dinner with Tom Cruise and a room full of Scientologists means. And she can get her own boyfriends--and her own publicity--just fine by herself, thank you very much.  

Scarlett Johansson has revealed that her ultimate sex fantasy is doing it in the back seat of a car. To which Angelina Jolie replied, "When I was your age I was getting gang-banged by eleven limbless albinos in mid-air while skydiving. Bitch, please."