If you're Denise Richards and you desperately--desperately--want the media to leave you alone and let you live your more-dramatic-than-a-day-in-Port-Charles life, what do you do? Pack up the kids and hide out at a luxury spa in Saskatchewan? Or get engaged to your also-still-legally-married boyfriend and then dress up like a transvestite hooker and prance around a Las Vegas stage with other similarly-clad "women"? We're gonna have to go with the latter.  

Contrary to popular reports stating otherwise, the romance between Wild Thing Denise Richards and aging craprocker Richie Sambora is still on--they are presently kissing and getting sunburned together in Italy. And Heather Locklear is reportedly so steamed that she pulled a mean-spirited Lloyd Dobbler on Denise.  

First, Charlie Sheen threatened to kill her. Now, Heather Locklear claims "You no longer exist to me. It's like you've died." Wow, this whole "accuse your husband of kiddie porn and hookers, then take out a restraining order" plea for public sympathy Denise Richards is pulling doesn't exactly seem to be working out for her too well. When the public opts to side with Charlie Sheen-CHARLIE SHEEN, PEOPLE--over the pretty lady from Wild Things, you know you're pretty much an asshole.  

You might think that dorking someone like Jessica Simpson would be a dream come true, but in reality, while you were pumping away, she'd be feeding some Pupparoni to her floofy dog, applying self-tanner and Creme de la Mer, taking on her cell with her publicist, and screeching at you to hurry up because her Birkin bag order was in at Hermes and good Christ, would you please fucking watch the nails? It makes sense, then, that people like Nick Lachey and Richie Sambora would toss their wives overboard in favor of copulating with norms. Personal assistant-fucking: catch the fever!  

• Jermaine Dupri says that his girlfriend Janet Jackson purposely got all lumpy and lardy for an indie film role that fell through. We're totally stealing that excuse.

• Don't fuck with Reese Witherspoon. Unless you're into dying.

• Kate Moss proves that supermodels actually have brains!

• She also proves she has a nipple. Again.

• Heather Locklear allegedly was prompted to file for divorce when she discovered some racy emails and provocative pictures some dame had sent to her husband. Damn you, MySpace!!!

• Denise Richards recently got an AIDS test, her fears reportedly sparked after discovering that now-estranged husband Charlie Sheen paid for an "army of hookers". Soon to be deployed to Iraq?

• In case you were wondering, Fergie is still fergly.

• This guy's Maddox Jolie tattoo actually makes us feel pretty good about the fact that we have Isabella Cruise's face inked on our ass.

• Mandy Moore kissed Sarah Chalke on Scrubs. We're not going to make a joke here, because fake lesbian kisses on the television are serious, serious business.

• Val Kilmer has gotten so terribly corpulent that he actually tried to eat Paris Hilton!

• Luckily, she escaped and was able to safely slip nip yet again.

 

February 2nd, 2005. The day love died. Yesterday, Heather Locklear filed for divorce from Richie Sambora. No reasons were cited for the split, but we can assume that it was either a fight over the bronzing powder or a heathed battle over whose highlights were more "buttery".