• As a half-Jew, Rob Schneider refuses to ever work with Mel Gibson. Braveheart 2 just got 54% less zany!

• Ever seen pink pee before? No? Ever seen Pink pee before? Also no? Well, here ya go.

• Carmen Electra and Shannon Elizabeth are pals. If C-list hangs with D-list, does that elevate them to B-list?

• If you posess fashion experience and much love for checkered bondage pants, you can work for Gwen Stefani and her L.A.M.B. label. Just email skagirl.com. Skagirl . . . we think we cybered with her in the AOL Skankin' Pickle room in 1994.

• Melanie Griffith takes the Cruddiest Mom of the Year crown from Dina Lohan when she lights her teenage daughter Dakota's cigarette.

• Cindy Crawford plus stripper pole plus mojitos minus bra equals summer fun for the whole family.

• Al Reynolds dons spandex; gets late-night booty call from large man in bucket hat.

• In case you were wondering who, on God's green Earth, would admire the jauntily shoddy designs of Charlie Sheen's ill-timed kidswear company, Sheen Kidz, the answer is: Britney. Naturally.

• Penelope Cruz is the first non-Scientologist to step forth and claim that Suri No Middle Name Cruise exists.

• Is David Geffen getting Stiflered?  

We've got to hand it to Pink--she certainly takes it to the next level. Bored with traditional crack barings and underskirt pokies, she's ushering in a new age of celebrity skin. Ladies and germs, kindly slip into your Body Glove wet suit, slam a Dew and jump into your Suzuki Samurai, and enjoy, after the NSFW jump, X-treem tit slippage.  

If you'll recall awhile back, Pink became our go-to sexy lady. While Angelina Jolie was all full of baby and not so inclined to talk about the various visitors to her vagina and Eva Longoria was off getting her vibrators serviced (so they could better service her, of course), Pink seemed to be the only non-penis wielder to be talking about sex and nudity and all things titillating. So of course we knew it was only a matter of time before we saw some sort of nudity from the girl. And today that time has arrived.  

Technically, this story about singer Pink discussing (we accidentally typed "disgusting" there, a very apropos typo, to be sure) her proclivities in the boudoir should have been the lead "Sexy Lady" story. But in the past month, she's become the Eva Longoria of the pop music world, gaining press by flapping her gums in regards to sexy stuff, and we didn't want to reward her for that. Except we . . . kinda . . . are. With this entry. And . . . stuff.  

Pink claims that a song on her new album is about masturbation. Um, sorry to break this to you, Pink, but you're about twenty-three years too late on the shocking female diddling song tip. Bop, she bop.  

According to our gossip guide dog, FemaleFirst, "Pop star Pink hates wearing clothes and wishes the music industry would let her perform naked." If only! If only! Damn that confounded music industry and their hatred of taut, toned, naked flesh! When, when will evil overlords Sire and Atlantic, et al, release their artists from the shackles that bind them and set them free to doff their high-collared, ankle-grazing dresses, shapless capes, and bustles? Oh, if only sex could sell records!  

• Jennifer Aniston is moving to Chicago. We can't wait to run into her in the health and beauty aisle at Jewel!

• Piper Perabo lowers herself to date former pill-popper/Friends friend Matthew Perry. Move over TomKat and Brangelina, here's . . . Pipthew Perrybo?

• Our #1 deity, Mariah Carey, teams up with Snoop, shoots a video, mounts a mesa of Vuitton luggage, wears very little clothing.

• Salma Hayek chortles when confronted with Colin Farrell's weenis. Understandable.

• Portman pokies, redux!

• If your daughter were Tori Spelling, wouldn't you sue her too? Just for fun?

• K-Fed hates the Pavarotti, loves his kids and wife, raps about it in hot new tune on MySpace. This one's for the haters. Fuck the media.

• Pink's special surprise for her husband is reportedly a "12ft pole to be erected in her dressing room". But the bigger surprise is that said pole is being erected in her pants! Because she's a man, see.

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is about to undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition". Lip reduction? Eyeliner tattoos? Scarfectomy?  

• Pink promises that for one day only, her wedding day, she will "be a girl". But after the ceremony is over, the dress and all its frilly, lacy trappings will come off, the foot-long silicone strap-on will come out, and Pink will bend her new husband over their marriage bed and show that little bitch who wears the pants.

• Heidi Klum probes her husband.

• Which one's cuter?: Mischa Barton with a kitty! Awww! Awwww! Awwwwwwwwww!

• 50 Cent will let his little boy mock murder people and watch porno, but cussing's where he draws the line.

• Lindsay Lo-ho and Keanu Reeves might be heading for a shack-up. One can only imagine the stimulating conversations these two have.

• Nip slip? Bah. Lip slip? Soooo two days ago. Rhona Mitra goes next level with an implant scar slip. Jealous, bitches?

• Sorry, boys! Elton John is officially off the market!

• The terrorists will never win when we have freedom on our side! Freedom, and Alyssa Milano's breast.  

• Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.

• Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.

• Renée Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.

• Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.

• Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".

• Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.

• Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!

 

• Pink proposed to her boyfriend, motocross racer and Surreal Life star Carey Hart. Not to be confused with Corey Hart. That would just be preposterous.

• Looks like Stella Lost Her Groove again. Because, as it turns out, her groove was A Gay.

• Fergie scares us. Fergie looks like a Cabbage Patch Kid that grew up and turned into a gypsy tweaker. But apparently, that's a look Josh Duhamel likes enough that he wants to wake up next to it for the rest of his life, so, you know. We're shutting up now.

• Bobby and Whitney say: You don't know true love until you've dug impacted feces out of your lover's sphincter.

• Brangelina gets attacked by some crazy punk kid! Not screwing? Pfft.

•Hey, look. Mariah Carey has a new boyfriend.