• Christie Brinkley's husband says sorry. "Sorry! Sorry for having sexy sex with a teenager. Seriously, sorry about that. My b."

• David Hasselhoff as Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan? Those are some pretty gay big shoes to fill. Only one man can replace The Hoff, and that's The Fonz. Ayyyyy.

• Paparazzi, please stop taking photographs of Natalie Portman. Or she will make her hair look like Annette Bening's circa 1989 and then waggle a hand at you in a vaguely threatening manner.

• Britney's little sister, Sean P Federline, and a turd on a stick. You heard us.

• I've had it with these motherfucking Mo'Niques on this motherfucking plane!

• Seacrest out? No. Lance Bass out? HELL YES! You go, girlfriend!

• Agent Scully is preggo . . . by an alien! No, by a businessman. Whatever.

• Carmen Electra, former wife of Dennis Rodman and newly split from Dave Navarro, was seen on a date with Jamie Foxx. Well, you know the old saying: once you go black, you go back once and then a few years later you look in the mirror and say "I'm married to a guy who still wears eyeliner and feather boas in 2006" and THEN you vow to never go back. Or something.

• Did Fergie get dumped? Get dumped get dumped get dumped? Check it out.
 

When we heard yesterday about Christie Brinkley's husband cheating on her with a nineteen-year-old and the horrible, public way in which she found out, we thought it had all the good makings of a low-level celebrity scandal. But we thought the story was a little thin. There were no salacious quotes, not even from a Hamptons restaurant busboy, there were no objects thrown, presumably no public screaming matches. This is not the type of behavior we expect from former models (see Campbell, Naomi). But today's edition of Christie Brinkley's Asshat Husband (Name Not Important) Schtups a Nineteen-year-old has a bright shiny sticker on the front cover that reads: Now with 30% more references to sex and 100% more lawyers!!