Pete Doherty was pulled over yesterday for driving like an out-of-control crackhead and was then arrested for possession of crack. We would love to report fully on this story, but it's Monday morning, we're tired, and, frankly, we're getting a little sick of this shit.  

Remember the other day when we said that Kate Moss was going to produce the world's first 95% cocaine baby? Well, we were wrong. It'll be more like 85% cocaine, 10% champagne.

 

Finally Bobbi Kristina Brown will have a celebrity offspring to look down upon and say, "That kid is soooo f'ed up." Kate Moss is pregnant with Pete Doherty's child.  

Jack "progeny of Ozzy" Osbourne recently revealed in his new autobiography that he once kissed friend, supermodel, and fellow class A drug gourmand Kate Moss, saying, "it just felt just right." Her crackulous paramour, Pete Doherty, is taking umbrage at the claim. Apparently the world thinking Kate Moss once gave an innocent kiss to a dorky teen is unacceptable, while the world thinking Kate Moss is having full-on genital-to-genital contact with a cartoon version of a cartoon version of a cartoon version of Keith Richards is A-OK!  

Oh, hey. The Babyshambles tour has been cancelled because Pete Doherty's back in rehab. And . . . yeah, that's all we got.  

Despite her creativity in the you-put-yer-coke-in-it department, Kate Moss has not exactly proven herself to be of Mensa-quality intellect. Her genital-sharing judgment is proof of that. Now word has it that Kate wants to marry newly rehab-free Pete Doherty and move with him to New Jersey. Maybe she'll start a new famous-people trend. J.Lo and Skeletor will relocate to Joliet; Brad and Ang will make their home in Toledo. Before long every town with a looming steel-mill smoke stack will be lousy with paparazzi and Us Weekly reporters.  

We thought we had washed our hands of the whole Kate Moss/Pete Doherty thing for good. We realized that we could get pretty much the same effect by watching Sid and Nancy every couple of days, and it's much more fun to imitate Nancy whining "Seeeeyid" than it is to emulate Kate Moss--those skinny jeans are rather binding and we're developing a nasty cough from all those ciggies. But we can never ignore public groping in front of a gaggle of drug-addicted onlookers.  

• Kevin Federline claims that on his GED, he got "amazing ass test scores." You know who else aced the amazing ass test? Heather Locklear (see above).

• Shamed superstar Mel Gibson fires up his Razr and sets out on the seemingly insurmountable task of personally apologizing to every Jew in the whole wide world.

• Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume. Exhaustion by Lindsay Lohan will smell softly of jasmine, raspberry vodka, and pink pepper with bottom notes of firecrotch musk.

• And there is no love lost between Lindsay and her Bobby costar William H. Macy, who says that she "should have her ass kicked." Not such a good idea, Macy, old chum. The ass might be your target of choice, but Lindsay apparently goes for the face.

• Cindy Crawford gets by with a little help from her friends. Her good friends Botox and Collagen.

• The Japanese have given the thumbs up to their previously censored Britney naked posters. Gee, you think the "banning" and "controversy" was only to drum up publicity? Nah.

• Pete Doherty: punched out a male nurse at rehab!

• Pete Doherty: also busted for cocaine in rehab! We don't know about you, but we're really starting to understand what a beautiful, wealthy, iconic supermodel would see in him. What a prize!

• His lyrical edge softened with age, contentment, and wealth, Bruce Springsteen makes a bid for authentic suffering by dumping redheaded wife for redheaded 9/11 widow.  

• Who wears short shorts? Jessica Simpson wears short shorts. Heyyyyy. Nice mons pubis.

• Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.

• Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?

• Another Doherty--Shannen--angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!

• "Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.

• The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.

• Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.

• Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.

• One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.  

Kate Moss isn't attacking a photographer here, she's demonstrating krumping, the hot new urban dance move that's sweeping the country!



No, actually, she is just attacking a photographer.  

• Apparently, you can steal cars and shoot heroin and get arrested 20 times a month and yet never see the inside of a jail cell. We're totally moving to the UK. It's like Eden, or Honah-Lee. Only with more crack.

• Speaking of drugs, Teri Hatcher admits to doing a little recreational Botox. Uh, no shit?

• The year was 1984, and an unsullied, very young and fresh-faced Whitney Houston was given the old Serge Gainsbourg treatment on French television. If only she had been seduced by the wiles of a drunken, aged French lothario instead of a cracked-out faded R&B loser.

• Apparently, being used as Jackson Browne's personal punching bag wasn't enough for Daryl Hannah, and she's now romancing Brad Renfro, an admitted junkie about 43 years younger than her. Some people are just gluttons for punishment.

• A better shot of Paris's upskirt shot from the other day. You can actually see her anus devouring her underdrawers!

• Vanna White gets the ole Pussycat Dolls treatment. And actually, she looks pretty awesome. For 73.

• Some dude puts the kibosh on that whole "Charlize Theron as Dusty Springfield clam-slamming Kate Moss in Ang Lee movie" rumor. And we hate him for it.

• Young Hermione Granger mistakes Corona with lime for butterbeer; gets wasted, fails OWLs, and is forced into a life of peddling her feminine wares in the shadowy recesses of Knockturn Alley.  

• Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.

• Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.

• Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!

• After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.

• While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.

• She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.

• Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.

• Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.

• After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!

 

Yesterday, the UK's Daily Mirror ran pictures and a colorful, engaging story relaying the tender tale of a girl and her stash. Then they confronted her about it. And she flipped. And her boyfriend flipped. And so they ran part two of the fable. The blow hits the mirror, then the shit hits the fan. Like grains of coke through the 5-note, these are the days of Kate Moss's life.  

Today, our gossip docent FemaleFirst reports that Kate Moss was caught in a "cocaine shocker"--photos of the model blowing Olsen twin-sized lines off a CD case lovingly adorn the front page of today's Daily Mirror. A 98 lb. international supermodel millionairess who's dating a smack/crack addict musician indulges in the toots? Shocker, indeed.  

• Arnold Schwarzenegger just can't seem to keep his hands off the dames, and now one of his extramarital playmates is claiming that she was paid off by the Enquirer. Listen, if you were married to Skeletor, wouldn't you be blindly grabbing any ripe flesh that happened to pass by?

• Kate Moss's mom has a loving nickname for her daughter's paramour Pete Doherty: Crackhead. Fitting since . . . well, since he just got arrested in Oslo for posession of heroin and crack.

• Winona! Where ya been, girlfriend? Oh, and where'd you get that cute belt? How much did it cos--oh.

• Paula Abdul to return to Idol and thanks her "fans around the world" for their support. Wait, she means these ones, right?

• Puffy Sean John Diddy P. Combs Daddy is now just "Diddy". He says the new name is "more rock n' roll" and we agree. Just saying "Diddy diddy diddy!" makes us feel like we're in Mott the Hoople!

• Marcia Cross is frigid.

• Britney sez: screw the homeless, screw poverty, and triple screw AIDS; I'm putting my cash towards more red string thingies for toddlers!  

Johnny Depp recently spoke about his 1997 breakup with Kate Moss, and stated: "I don't think I was very good for her, so what we did was right--we walked away from each other. She went on to bigger and better things and I went on and fell in love and had kiddies."

Hm.



Yes.  

Remember when Kate Moss and Pete Doherty got together and then they broke up and then they got together and then they broke up and then they got together and then they broke up FOR GOOD? Well, they got back together again! Ahahahahahahaha! Isn't that hilarious? Couldn't you just die? God love 'em! Oh, what will those free-spirited British knuckleheads do next? WE CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO PREDICT!  

• Anorexia, asthma, crummy tonsils, kidney problems, throat cysts, childhood OCD. It's a wonder Jessica Alba lived past puberty.

• Osama Bin Laden: valiantly trying to wipe out America's population of electroclash holdovers.

• Kate Moss loses 120 lbs. of ugly, useless flesh; possibly picks up a Jackass.

• Nicole Kidman plans to take a year or two off acting. We suspect that when she returns, she'll have mysteriously taken more than a year or two off her looks.

• Two impossibly good-looking WB stars' three-month old marriage on the rocks? If Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

• The diabolical Mischa Barton plays the TomKat game.

• Brittany Murphy proves that nothing sells jeans quite like a lack of jeans.  

Kate don't want
Anybody else
When she thinks about fiancé Pete Doherty
She touches herself.

Which is jolly fun, but when we think about Pete Doherty we do that thing where we feel like we're going to regurgitate but we just kind of rest our head on the toilet and gag mildly, occasionally spitting out the saliva that fills our mouths.  

She's a multi-millionaire supermodel with her own perfume line and a young child. He's a destitute narcotics addict who was kicked out of his own band. He says they're about to get married. We don't know about the rest of you, but we think The Kate Moss and Pete Doherty Story has "mid-season replacement hit sitcom" written all over it! It's like the new Dharma and Greg, only with crack.  

We know we've been a little heavy on the Kate Moss-Pete Doherty news this week. But we can't help it! Their romance is like nacho cheese Bugles. We know it's bad for us, but we can't stay away.  

Remember when we reported that Kate Moss and her new gentleman friend, The Libertines' Pete Doherty, were, like, totally in love? (Of course you remember, it was yesterday.) Well, they're over. Apparently, sex with a supermodel pales next to the siren song of sweet, sweet crack rock.  

Model Kate Moss and her new love, drug-addled Libertines singer Pete Doherty, have pledged their undying love with matching tattoos . . . after dating for two weeks. But in case you haven't heard from Usher and Naomi, two weeks is the new five years!