• Arnold Schwarzenegger just can't seem to keep his hands off the dames, and now one of his extramarital playmates is claiming that she was paid off by the Enquirer. Listen, if you were married to Skeletor, wouldn't you be blindly grabbing any ripe flesh that happened to pass by?

• Kate Moss's mom has a loving nickname for her daughter's paramour Pete Doherty: Crackhead. Fitting since . . . well, since he just got arrested in Oslo for posession of heroin and crack.

• Winona! Where ya been, girlfriend? Oh, and where'd you get that cute belt? How much did it cos--oh.

• Paula Abdul to return to Idol and thanks her "fans around the world" for their support. Wait, she means these ones, right?

• Puffy Sean John Diddy P. Combs Daddy is now just "Diddy". He says the new name is "more rock n' roll" and we agree. Just saying "Diddy diddy diddy!" makes us feel like we're in Mott the Hoople!

• Marcia Cross is frigid.

• Britney sez: screw the homeless, screw poverty, and triple screw AIDS; I'm putting my cash towards more red string thingies for toddlers!  

We have a confession to make: We’ve never actually watched American Idol. We pretend that we have. We once saw Bo Bice on The Daily Show and talked about how charming and talented he was when we gathered around the Mr. Coffee the next day at the office. But we were merely talking out of our ass. If Paula Abdul leaves the show and is replaced by either Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey, though, we will be the first in line to petition Fox for a 24 hour American Idol channel.  

Straight up, now tell me: when a young, fresh-faced upstart named Paula Abdul sung those fateful words back in 1989, do you think she knew just how true they'd ring in 2005? And do you think she ever would have guessed that she'd be throwing a snit fit in a hotel in Malaysia over her vehicular snafu?