• Dirty Dancing's Patrick Swayze says he's experimenting with “rap rhythms as an emotional undercurrent for ballads.” That makes sense, since rap rhythms are a feeling; a heartbeat. Guh-gung. Guh-gung.

• Katie Holmes sez: "I won't wed 'til afterbirth!" God, that's sick! Oh, wait. That's "after birth".

• Still married to one nonfamous guy, Tori Spelling gets engaged to another. That means two men have willingly signed up to make Tori Spelling's vagina the only vagina in their lives forever and ever and ever. Our world, it is a sick and sad one.

• Unbearable douchelord Bono flirts with his own daughters, but at least saves the massive shagging for his wife only.

• Wipe that image out of your mind with some naked pictures of former supermodel/erstwhile Axl schtup-puppet Stephanie Seymour.

• Is Naomi Watts about to marry Liev Schreiber? Is she incubating his young? Is she going to don a bikini and bang Bond? Whowhatwherewhenwhyhowwhatwhatwhhhatttt???!?!?!?!?!

• Whatsa matta, Paris? Crabs gotcha down?

• Cindy Crawford's little son is totally in my face! Poor Maddox Jolie--replaced by a newer, hipper, younger, more attitude-y at age four.

• Keira Knightley's thong. Yup. It sure is.

• Eminem will make ex-wife Kim new wife Kim on January 14th. The invitation reads: "This day I will marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, love." Guess "Sit down bitch/If you move again I'll beat the shit out of you" doesn't exactly scream "holy matrimony".  

• The unpleasant weave Tyra Banks sported on last season's Top Model has migrated to her lip. That's fierce!

• Joaquin Phoenix: method actor.

• When you litter, Patrick Swayze turns his weather-beaten, spiritual face to the skies and weeps a solitary tear.

• Paris Hilton gets her stoolbox hosed out.

• Oasis member Noel Gallagher calls Jack White "Zorro on doughnuts". And, well, uh, he's kinda got a point there.

• A stripper had drunken floor sex with David Arquette. Strippers have low standards.

• And Mariah Carey has an employee who helps her lift those pesky beverages to her parched lips. Don't snicker--the strawmaster probably makes more than you.  

As if it’s not bad enough that Scarlett Johansson is terrified by the sight of her own boobs and can’t convince directors to let her take her clothes off, Patrick Swayze doesn’t appreciate her praise. You know, cause he gets so damn much of it these days.