Our trust is like a mountain made of fairy dust and pegasus wings: It takes a long time to build and is extremely fragile. But we always thought we could trust Paris Hilton. We could count on her to cock her head to the side, pretend to smile, and let an errant body part flap proudly in the wind. But now she has broken that trust, and we have to retreat to our cave and subsist on fallen acorns and squirrel meat until we are brave enough to trust in someone again.  

• Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.

• Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.

• Renée Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.

• Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.

• Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".

• Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.

• Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!

 

When we were in the fourth grade we had a boyfriend named Timmy. We were totally happy and in love for, like, two and a half whole weeks, but then we realized that Timmy was a really lame name and he couldn’t even afford to buy us the really good candy, so we found a new boyfriend and broke up with Timmy over the phone while our new boyfriend listened on the other end of our Swatch phone. It’s so nice to know that our patented fourth-grade break-up style was also employed by Paris Hilton when she told Paris Latsis to find a new pet vagina.  

After her "devastating" breakup with Paris Latsis, Paris Hilton has wasted no time finding a new man and pissing off both Mary-Kate Olsen and Tara Reid. Girls, girls! Now, we all know there's only one way to settle this: pudding wrestling. Oh, wait. We're talking about Paris Hilton, Mary-Kate Olsen, and Tara Reid? Then we mean: girls, girls! Now, we all know there's only one way to settle this: throw you down a mile-deep pit and have you tear each other limb from limb. Or starve to death. Which wouldn't take long.  

We’ve just been dying--dying!--to know how the producers of The Simple Life would get around that whole Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie super-bitch feud/wanting to tear off each other’s bobble heads and use them to fatten up Hilary Duff thing. And now we know. Paris and Nicole will separately invade homes and pretend to be the wife. And if the husbands can’t resist themselves around a couple of ninety-pound, seventh-grade-educated pseudo-celebrities, then the producers ain’t complaining.  

It looks like Paris Hilton is having a bad week. Sources are claiming that her engagement to Paris Latsis has been off for months, she was caught in a lie about giving $6 million to relief for Hurricane Katrina, and she’s got the po-po after her for boozing up some kids. Plus, she’s still a skanky ho with a wonky eye.  

If your heart is breaking over the thought of Paris Hilton (she's American royalty, you know!) retiring from the spotlight to don aprons and become a forge for infants, fear not! She may not be getting married anytime in the near future after all. A Paris Hilton and a Lindsay Lohan story . . . in the same day? It's like March 2005 all over again.  

Rich people are fucking crazy. And we poor Wal-Mart-shopping, Fear Factor-watching schlubs let them get away with it in the hopes that they will drop a stray, unneeded diamond in our path or maybe buy us a drink or something. But when rich people are crazy in front of other rich people, Paris Hilton will get her ass sued.  

Paris Hilton is rumored to be knocked up by her meatheaded moneybags fiance, Paris Latsis. What a fantastic idea! She shows up Nicole Richie by being the first to squeeze one out, locks in those Latsis billions and Tinkerbell gets a new playmate. Everybody wins!