We're beginning to think that Lindsay Lohan is terribly naive and doesn't understand simple, straightforward insults. To Lindsay being called Firecrotch means that she possesses a fiery love in her loins that she wishes to spread to all the world's inhabitants (or at least the hot ones with trust funds). And Paris Hilton calling Lindsay a "coked-out whore" just means that she's really popular and full of energy and Paris really likes her. "Coked-out whore" is the new BFF, as in, "This is my coked-out whore, Lindsay Lohan."  

• Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.

• She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!

• J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.

• In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.

• Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcée and serving up lippage.

• Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.

• Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.

• Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.

 

Hey, readers. Hey. How's it going? Great, great.



Friends, we are certain that you are asking yourselves why we just put that picture of Paris and her minion Spears--in a fully see-through shirt--on our front page when it is generally our policy to keep the pinkish bits confined to after cuts (see how we care about you and don't want you to get fired?). The answer is simple--this is the most demure picture we have of Britney Spears today. For real. Within the last twenty-four hours she has shed the last of her inhibitions and undergarments, and after the storied very NSFW cut, you will take a mystical journey to the very core of Britney Spears, so grab your lighted mining helmet, grappling hook, and a light snack--it might take a while for you to find your way back out.  

Yesterday Lindsay Lohan was all like, "Paris hit me. She's such a bitch." Today she's all like, "Paris is my best friend. Why is everyone spreading these lies about us?" And tomorrow she'll be all like, "Paris Hilton is half donkey. And that's not a metaphor or whatever. Her real dad is a donkey. But I still love her."  

Man. We go away for a holiday weekend and SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED that we are finding it next to impossible to keep up. No, we're not talking about Heidi Klum discharging Sealbaby 2 from her womb or Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams procuring a marriage license, nor are we referring to Michael Richards apologizing to various sundry members of the African-American community. We're talking about the important stuff; namely, Britney Spears becoming LYLAS 4-EVA BFFs with Paris Hilton, and appropriately adjusting her wardrobe to reflect said status.




To see what happens after Britney moves that charming Playboy purse to her right, turn the page.  

Paris might be busy using Britney Spears as a hotness inflator, but it seems that she still has enough time to tilt her magnifying glass of evil towards the hapless ant that is Lindsay Lohan, cackling as she sizzles under the sun's death ray. Apparently, Paris must have really enjoyed the taste of blood she got from her alleged Shanna Moakler fisticuffs, and has gotten a little punchy with our poor, beleaguered Firecrotch.  

Paris Hilton recently attended Jay-Z's concert in Las Vegas and apparently, she misheard his lyric "no panties and jeans, that's so necessary" as "no panties and jeans, that's unnecessary."



Which is very unlike Paris, but still, even with her crotch safely tucked inside its satiny blue prison, at least she took the "H to the izzo" part straight to heart.  

During a recent performance (following that Jay-Z offering we just told you about) Paris Hilton puked while on stage. And, no, that's not a euphemism for her vocal abilities.  

Paris: Everyone knows that I'm, like, super super hot, but I just figured something out. If I stand next to people who get their clothes out of the Salvation Army drop box and can't keep their weaves on straight--like this girl--I look even hotter.  

A day in the life of Paris Hilton: gets called "piece of shit," is reminded to always remember her herpes medication, slips a boob. It's so much like a day in the life of CelebNewsWire, it's eerie.  

• Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.

• Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.

• Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.

• Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?

• Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.

• Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?

• Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.

• Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.

• Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.

• No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.  

The night before last, in front of God and paparazzi and a doorman and everyone, Lindsay Lohan called Paris Hilton THE C-WORD. Oh, and furthermore, speaking of c-words, Lindsay's multitudinous beaux must be having a problem finding hers--although by this point we've all seen it so often that our three-year-old cousin can draw it from memory--because she's now taken to donning a map to the treasure:
 

You thought it was odd when your parents said they were so proud of you after you rode the school bus by yourself. You thought it was stranger yet when they proclaimed their pride after you fouled up your lines in your church's Christmas pageant and said, "Unto you a child is burned!" But Paris Hilton's got you beat--nothing makes Rick and Kathy Hilton beam with pride quite like their eldest daughter's X-rated undercover sex video.  

Here is a picture of Paris Hilton and Travis Barker mingling tongues on Halloween.



And here is a picture of a fellow partygoer's reaction.

 

Paris Hilton is hell-bent on convincing the world that she hates having sexual intercourse. At every given opportunity, she will happily crow about how boring sex is, how much she dislikes it, and the various sundry things she'd rather be engaged in. Now she's claiming dinner is preferable to coitus, causing a spike in the sale of "My other vagina is a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger" thongs.  

Really, Paris? A sexy cop? Is that the best you can do? What, was sexy nurse already taken? We're just going to assume that this is your way of saying to the world that you've given up, that tomorrow you will completely give up on putting together outfits that require one nanosecond of clear thought and you will leave the house with a dish towel draped over your shoulder and the contents of a Kleenex box pasted to your naked body. But hopefully that will prepare you for next Halloween, when you can use all your pent-up sartorial energy to put together a costume with a tiny shred of creativity, like a bicycle, maybe, with your breasts acting as the horn and the bell. Or you could at least switch up the "sexy" genre of Halloween costumes and go as a sexy Wal-Mart employee or a sexy crack whore.  

• Angelina and Brad are reportedly adopting an Indian baby as we speak. Because African babies are soooo early-to-mid October 2k6.

• Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this mortal world, will someone, anyone, shoot a tranq dart into Naomi Campbell's neck?

• Rush Limbaugh accuses Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his symptoms in a political ad, saying, "He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act." Seriously, dude! And remember when Christopher Reeve was tooling around in a wheelchair with a trach tube? Also totally all an act. Fucker was just lazy and tired of walking and breathing. Some Superman!

• DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, has moved on from Nicole Richie to nice Jewish girl Michelle Trachtenberg. His bubby is so pleased.

• For the reasonable price of $100,000, Paris Hilton will come to your New Year's Eve party 3 hours late, sit in a corner and text furiously on her Sidekick for 20 minutes, perhaps flash an assflap or two, then leave.

• Sandra Bullock had sexual intercourse on Sunday night.

• Federline the Younger is actually named Jayden James. SPF squared, we hardly knew ye.

• Tara Reid said that her nipples "looked like goose-shaped eggs". Not goose eggs. Eggs, shaped like geese. Nipples like thin shells with webbed feet and beaks and wings holding albumen and yolk. Yup. That's what Tara Reid's nipples looked like.  

That "no sex for a year" ban seems to be working out pretty well for old Paris Hilton. In the three months since she pledged celibacy, she's handled more balls than the entire sixth grade gym class at Sheboygan Junior High.

 

The above picture captures Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie waiting at a valet stand after exiting an eatery together. Now you know that feeling of peace and love and gratitude that your grandparents felt at the end of World War II. It's totally the same thing.  

So. Paris Hilton was at a fashion show in Milan last week.



Ever the pillar of understated class, she painted her nails while leaving her purse unzipped, in essence, issuing an open invitation for paparazzi to snap pictures of its contents. Which seemed to include a little baggie full of a suspicious substance, herb-like in appearance:



When asked to explain, Paris's oft-apologizing rep, Elliot Mintz, did not confirm or deny what was in the baggie, but cryptically said, "Things are not always as they appear. It would be unfair to draw any conclusions based solely on these photos." And then he drove his point home by turning a dollar bill into a beautiful white dove after pulling a nickel from a child's ear.  

We don't really care whom Paris Hilton and her set have or haven't slept with. At this point it's just swapping different herpes strains anyway. But in a desperate bid to garner publicity for his new House of Carters (which we'll only watch if it involves AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS), Nick Carter is claiming that Paris cheated on him with Chad Michael Murray, so in return Nick slept with Ashlee Simpson. Why doesn't everyone in Hollywood under age 25 just get together for one giant clusterfuck and call it a night? Except for that lovely Mandy Moore. We wouldn't want to defile her like that.  

Paris Hilton is one of today's hottest starlets. Millions of men have paid to see her smoking pole on tape. Shanna Moakler was a Playboy Playmate, so presumably hundreds of thousands of men have stroked the baloney pony while gazing upon her naked body. And last night they got into a bitchfight over this man:



C'mon, ladies, if your night is going to end with multiple police reports, at least let it be over George Clooney. Or how about Adrian Grenier? He's hot. Even Colin Farrell we might understand. But a pop-punk drummer with a fauxhawk and necktoos? Is that really the best you can do?  

Step right up, folks, and witness CelebNewsWire's Celebrity House of Freaks, featuring all manner of abnormalities from lands far and wide. Thrill to the sight of Chyna and her miniature penis. Oooh and aaah over Kate Bosworth's sixty-pound frame--not one ounce of body fat on that one, folks. But first, marvel at our very special exhibit--Paris Hilton's ass goiter.  

• Buffy costar Mercedes McNab to pose for Playboy; socially-challenged fanboys to spring boners eternal.

• Sweet little cherub Mandy Moore is bringin' schlumpy back, and pulling it off.

• And lo, brash angel of God Kathy Griffin alit and sayeth unto Tori Spelling: "unto you a childe is borne!"

• Paris Hilton has been officially charged with drunk driving. Now, if only she were to be officially charged by the fashion police. Ooh! That's right! We went there! Uh-huh! Two snaps up, girlfriend!

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is one hep cat.

• Ashlee Simpson premiered as Roxie Hart in the London Cambridge Theatre's production of Chicago Monday night. And alas, there was no one with an oversized novelty hook, nor any clowns with comical janitor's brooms in sight.

• Lindsay Lohan's father brags about porking his daughter's Herbie stunt double. No punch line needed.

• A helpful compendium of celebrity nippage to clip, save, collect, and trade with friends.

• Tom and K-Hole are looking for a project they can star in together. Might we suggest adapting Ronnie Spector's biography, Be My Baby? Though Tom as a megalomaniacal, shrimpy Svengali with a predilection for shades holding his young and innocent wife captive in their own home might be a bit of a stretch. Har de har har.  

Revelling in other people's misfortune is our métier, and revelling in the misfortune of the undeservedly wealthy and egregiously vile is our specialty-within-our-specialty. So today has been a particularly happy day around the CNW offices after hearing about Kevin Connolly repeatedly slugging bloated moneybags Brandon Davis last week. Nothing like a ninny getting his just desserts. And if there's anything Brandon Davis loves, it's desserts!  

Today in the Shit You Already Knew Department: Paris Hilton says she's, like, not all smart 'n' stuff. Also, sky is blue, water is wet, poop is icky, etc., etc. This concludes the demeaning-to-your-intellect portion of our broadcast.  

• Janet Jackson says that her sex life was great when she was fat, and that her Ewok lover Jermaine Dupri would "grab me, pull me around the stomach, look me in the eyes and say, 'This needs love too!'" And then he'd gently insert his penis into her stomach folds.

• Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck following the birth of SPFsquared. Slowly inching closer and closer to Tara Reid territory (Taratory?).

• Little Aaron Carter is engaged! To a Playboy Playmate! Presumeably, his pneumatic bride-to-be has seen AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS.

• Safely ogle Kelly Brook in her underwear from the comfort of your own home, free from fear of retaliation at the hands of your friend Billy Zane.

• Lindsay Lohan is looking to move to England, most likely because the English are the only people who can drink her under the table.

• Jackass Steve-O tells us, in great detail, about the time he masturbated onto Nicole Richie's back. And then her semi-exposed spinal column recognized the protein content of the expelled liquid and, revolted at the idea of nourishment, quickly whipped the offending substance away from Richie's person.

• Courtney Love and Whitney Houston: not only are they recovering substance abusers, they both have names that end in -tney! BFFs!

• Paris takes advantage of Lindsay Lohan's absence; flirts with Harry Morton. When the exposed pussy lips are away, the skank will play.

• Asia Argento turns 31 today, and celebrates by picking G-string bikini bottoms out of her anus. Mazel tov!  

Sometimes we feel like we should pull a Lloyd Grove and banish Paris Hilton from our life. It would open up time to investigate the idiocy of lesser celebrities, and it would save us all those trips to the free clinic. But time and again Paris proves that she is the stupidest, most vacuous, most asinine celebrity around, so what can you do? You can't fight the seether.  

Certainly you recall a little story from the other day involving Paris Hilton strapping on her miner's hat and going spelunking down the tattooed throat of one Travis Barker. Now that you've finally removed the last traces of projectile vomit from your office ceiling, you're going to have to break out the antibacterial 409 one more time: It seems that Travis and Paris are repeat offenders, with particular emphasis placed on "offend". After the cut, all of the gut-curdling grossness in glorious full-color video!  

This picture may not look like much to you now, but what if we were to tell you it was Paris Hilton making out with Travis Barker? Would you be interested then? What if we told you it was Paris getting her face chewed off by a shaven, tattooed bear? Would that be enough to rouse you from your porn-addicted, video-game-obsessed, jaded stupor? Is that what we have to do to please you these days? Make up stories about celebrities getting mauled by bears? Because we're not above that.