• Hilary Duff has dropped her older emo craprocker lover with MySpace hair.

• She's also dropped the lower 2 inches off those much-maligned veneers. Neiggggh!

• J. Lo can't seem to make a baby. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that her husband is a reanimated corpse. That was mean.

• In this crazy age of full-on spread pink Britney labia in our faces, it's kind of refreshing and titillating to see a lady in a bikini. Good on ya, Kelly Brook.

• Rihanna, on the other hand, is taking a page from the Merry Divorcée and serving up lippage.

• Britney has mysteriously pulled out of planned joint Billboard Awards hosting duties, leaving Paris to go it solo. That marks the very first time you've ever heard "Britney" and "pulled out" in the same sentence.

• Borat blamed for the Pam Anderson-Kid Rock split. In related news, Borat causes global warming, racial profiling was Borat's idea, and Borat sold all that vodka to Mel Gibson.

• Note to Snoop: YOU HAVE MONEY. HIRE SOMEONE TO CARRY YOUR DRUGS AND GUNS FOR YOU.

 

Always one to jump on a PETA-approved trend, Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from her husband of less than four months, Kid Rock. We know that the trend-setting abilities of Reese and Ryan and, especially, Britney and KFed are often irresistable to lesser-caliber celebrities, but we thought Pam and Kid's shared love of plastic palookas constrained by teeny bikinis, PBR, and rabbit-like sex in public (we assume) would be enough to last at least a year or two.  

Pamela Anderson has confirmed that she has had a miscarriage. We've been sitting here for nearly an hour trying to think of a way to make a ha-ha without sounding like unsympathetic a-holes, to no avail. Luckily the funny wrote itself: Turns out Pam's tragedy was the impetus for Denise Richards beaning a wheelchair-bound septuagenarian with her Vaio. Yay!  

All those set-up photo ops of Denise Richards grocery shopping with her kids and playing at the park and looking all, "I'm just a small-town girl, I didn't understand that cocaine use and hooker humping were bad qualities in a husband, I thought they were funny Hollywood words for baking cookies and giving massages" are going to go to waste. No one will believe her innocent-soccer-mom schtick once they learn she's just another cocksucker-calling, computer-throwing, granny-injuring Hollywood hothead. Just like all the rest of them.  

In today's very special edition of shit you've seen a million times before we will be featuring the nipple-slipping stylings of Pam "Mrs. Kid Rock" Anderson and another version of Janet Jackson's niche specialty, showing off her bazooms while conspicuously covering the nipples--cause she's a modest lady, after all.  

Although Pam Anderson and her handsome talented intelligent charming dirty-blonde husband Kid Rock have only been married a scant week or so, they work fast. She recently revealed that she might already be roasting up baby w.t. royalty in her sexy, sexy womb. Thank God for that--Baby Federspears 2 will need someone to mate with in thirteen years.  

And while we're on the topic of boulder-like man-made titties, Pam Anderson is getting married. We're sure the four of them will be very happy together.  

You'll notice that we often post pictures of Pamela Anderson in various states of undress. One might get a touch bored of seeing the same lady, naked or partially so, over and over and over again. However, please keep in mind that Pam, God love her, has the curious hobby of changing the size and shape of her breast implants almost biannually. So, although you're looking at pictures of the same woman, it's like gazing upon the breasts of thousands. After the cut, plenty of pictures that are really, incredibly, absolutely not safe for perusing at the workplace.  

On the Fourth of July, people tend to get all choked up with patriotic love. After a half dozen hot dogs and twice as many ice cold Coors Lights, you better believe that fine Americans across this great, fat land of ours are participating in the pasttimes that make this country great; namely, humming the national anthem, flying Old Glory, fraternizing with their countrymen, writing cuss words in the air with the glow of a sparkler, and looking at pictures of great Americans in bikinis. We apologize for not being with you in your time of need yesterday and failing to provide you with said pictures. After the cut, we salute our foreskinfathers and do our national duty.

 

Pam Anderson and a bevy of unknown but certainly tight-bodied young models stripped in the window of a London storefront in the name of PETA and stopping the use of fur in fashion. This may not be the most productive method, seeing how the only people who wear fur these days are J. Lo and grandmas who live in Boca Raton but come back to Beverly, Mass. for the holidays, neither of whom would be so particularly moved by the sight of Pamela's massive breasts that they'd be obliged to throw that silver fox in the dumpster. But still.  

• Vida Guerra displays her ripe rump for mateworthy males in Playboy.

• Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?

• Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.

• The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.

• Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.

• Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".

• Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.

• Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.

• You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.

• Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.  

We would have thought that in a meeting of the minds between Jessica Simpson and Pam Anderson the result would pretty much be a draw. But, boy, did we overestimate Jessica Simpson's brain power. As our drunk, senile grandpa used to say, "She's dumber than a pocket full of rocks."  

It's springtime, and the large, fragrant blossoms blooming under Pamela Anderson's sheer white T-shirt turn their faces towards the warmth of the May sun.
 

• Large billboards instructing Katie Holmes to make like a silent, slow-moving three-toed sloth arrive at the Cruisian birth chamber. Chilling.

• And, according to the headline at FemaleFirst, she's about to deliver a bouncing baby iPod.

• Pam Mamderson is getting a little long in the tooth, and realizes that it isn't proper for mature women to bare their breasts. Instead, they wear see-through shirts. How positively demure!

• Star Jones babbles about her new boob job, Joy Behar tells her to shut her fat mouth, Star responds by calling Joy a bitch. Finally, a reason to watch The View.

• With those new fake lips, Jessica Simpson really makes an excellent Real Doll.

• Whoops, scratch that. Actually, Christina Aguilera makes the better inflatable hump toy.

• Madonna learns how to . . . c'mon! Krump! Let your body move to the music! Krump! Krump! Let your body go with the flow!

• Spawn of Affleck . . . revealed! Wait, where are its little horns, its eensy cloven feet?  

• A slight look at Kelly Hu's Hu-ters.

• Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest dating? She says she "really enjoys his company". Well, duh. He knows about all the sample sales ahead of time, and he's so fun to enjoy a decadant whipped yogurt (only 140 creamy, dreamy calories!) with, while getting a deep tissue massage!

• OMG! Victoria's Secret is that Adriana Lima is a total virgin!!!

• Whoa, here she comes. Watch out, boy, Lindsay Lohan will chew you up.

• Sorry, ladies! Handsome beef-a-roni hunk Jack Black is officially off the market.

• Sorry again, ladies! Studly demigod Michael Bolton is also officially off the market. Enjoy that, Nicolette Sheridan.

• Jessica Alba is officially sexy, we know, but now Scarlett Johansson has been deemed certifiably pretty. Good to know.

• "Little black book" is just one of the many practical purposes served by Pam Anderson's grotesquely colossal plastic breasts.

• We mourn the demise of the leg man. If you're one of them, you will probably want to look into Paulina Rubio. Damn, that tomato's got some nice pegs.

• Paris Hilton prepares to get back to 1985 after harnessing a bolt of lightning hitting the clock tower.  

All those tight bodices and heaving bosoms and sheer blousery and not a damn nipple in sight? These truly were the Gayest Oscars Ever.  

• Mariah Carey ensures that she will never receive a free Chanel dress ever again.

• Why, hello, M&Ms stuck in Jennifer Lopez's dress. Nice to see you.

• Speaking of small round candies and boobs . . .

• Beyonce once jiggled her jelly so damn hard that her entire dress fell off. Guess she didn't see that ragtag group of young men with oversized novelty magnets who sewed her garment with metal thread.

• Lindsay Lohan dresses up as Diane Keaton, Liza Minnelli, and Liz Taylor. Gay male plotzing TK.

• Tom Sizemore has been sent back to rehab. Also, the sun rose today.

• Ya can't shine shit: MK and Ashley Olsen are all gussied up and shilling for Badgley Mischka. Funny how chimpanzees in $5,000 frocks are still chimpanzees.

• Britney took her baby Sean to the emergency room because he was constipated. Now, we're no Dr. Spock or nuthin', but maybe, just maybe, if she stopped giving him tubes of nacho bacon E-Z Cheez in lieu of bottles, this wouldn't happen.

• And maybe Brit should lay off the aerosol delicacies herself.

• Poor Nikki Cox learns that when you agree to marry a professional guest star, you lose your livelihood. And your breasts.

• PETA activists threw flour on Paris Hilton as she entered a London fashion week party. They then battered and deep-fried her and enjoyed her with some honey BBQ dippin' sauce. Just kidding, that's not vegan.  

• Actor Chris Penn found dead in Santa Monica. Goodnight, Willard, may you dance around tractors in heaven. Let's hear it for the boy.

• Oh baby, Keith! Keith's got what Kidman neee-eeeeds! But she say he's just a friend! She she say he's just a friend!

• Promo pics of an old but still trampy Sharon Stone from the upcoming Basic Instinct 2. No, she's not showing her 'tang.

• Unlike George Bush, Pam Anderson's ass cares about black people.

• Paris Hilton knows that the most flattering accessory for any modern girl's nip slip is a pair of kicky handcuffs. Sassy!

• Headline of the century.

• Avril Lavigne grows up, loses tie and armwarmers, looks purdy.

• If the Pavarotti deign to snap pictures of Russell Crowe's preggo wife, they will be "tarred and feathered." Which is a step up from "phoned and phoned."  

It's like NBC doesn't even want people to watch their stinky old channel. First they insist on keeping both Joey and Will and Grace on the air despite nary a laugh to be heard. Now they won't let Pamela Anderson dance around a pole while wearing pasties because it will hurt the poor little children. If they think that will hurt the kiddies, wait till our army of undersexed pervy old men take to the streets and start beating the kids with baseball bats because they're so irate over not being able to see the better part of Pamela Anderson's breasts on prime-time television without turning on Fox. That will really hurt.  

Here's a recent picture of Pamela Anderson at her son's soccer game.



She was cheering, offering moral support, and even stashed a couple of soccer balls under her shirt in case the ones the team were using got lost in the weeds. It's so nice to see a Hollywood parent get involved!  

There's a chill in the air and the holidays are nearly upon us, so naturally celebrities are pairing off and trying to keep warm with marathon humping sessions. Hey, it's more practical than padding their bodies with a healthy layer of fat for insulation and risk landing only roles as the perpetually single friend of the slim and sexy star. We've got engagements between Nicole Kidman and a non-Kenny Chesney country star and Kimberly Stewart and some dude from some MTV show that our fourteen-year-old cousin really likes, Leonardo DiCaprio filling his Gisele void with some saggy Kirsten Dunst tit, and oh so much more.  

Pam Anderson has announced that her tits are retiring. Let's all raise our glasses and salute the career of a talented pair before they head down to their new digs in Boca Raton to live out their golden years in a blaze of mai tais, bridge, and rheumatoid arthritis.  

The charming thing about gossip rags is that the contents within are aptly described by the magazine's name. Star is about stars! People is about people! National Enquirer inquires about crap in a highly national fashion! And new gossip kid on the block OK! is, uh, just OK. Instead of playing dirty like your US Weeklys, it opts for excruciatingly long, legit interviews with noteworthy sorts, and that's how we learned that Pam Anderson detached her jugs as an affront to Tommy.  

Pam Anderson loves espresso in the morning, because she claims it goes straight to her nipples. That's like the reason we love Sunny D--it's like a shot of adrenaline right to the gonads!  

If we’ve learned anything in our squandered little life it’s that Canadians are weird. For one thing they perpetually dress as if it were 1995. But they have given us many precious gifts. Fuck the French and their Statue of Liberty; the Canadians gave us Bryan Adams and Jason Priestley. They also gave us Pamela Anderson (although her larger-than-life hooters are purely American made). Now Pamela Anderson has given us the gift of canine marriage.  

Pam Anderson wore a see-through black shirt to her own Friar's Club Celebrity Roast last night, graciously providing a nice visual to accompany the requisite barrage of "Pamela Anderson has really big fake breasts" jokes.  

• The plot thickens: Jude Law allegedly asked nanny Daisy Wright for a threesome. She turned him down, because she's "not that type of girl." She is, however, the type of girl who will have sex with her engaged movie-star employer. But you have to draw a line somewhere.

• Malcolm in the Marriage!

• Pamela Anderson to marry Tommy Lee a third time? Even Liz Taylor wasn't THAT stupid.

• Pam's also helping Courtney Love get into shape. BFF! After working out, the pair like to do each other's nails, have pillow fights, and call boys they like and hang up.

• Rob Thomas "can't remember the first two years of Matchbox Twenty" because he was so coked up. If only the rest of us were so lucky.

• Desperate Housewives creator vows to write "fantastic scenes" for Eva Longoria, hoping to help her nab some awards. We hope "fantastic scenes" means "naked scenes". And that "awards" means "naked awards".

• James Gandolfini angrily smashed his fist through glass on the Sopranos set. He then pulled out a gun and shot the glass, tied it to a couple of cinder blocks, and threw it in the East River.

 

Pam Anderson is reportedly pretty ticked at FHM for choosing an unflattering photo for their cover. Harsh criticism from a woman who recently gladly posed for pics accessorized with a Courtney Love.  

So you’ve probably seen Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee’s homemade sex tape. And you were probably trying very hard to keep your eyes focused on Pammy and not let any Mötley Crüe man-meat enter your line of vision. Well, lucky for you Tommy has decided against a career in porn. Because pretending to go to college while being filmed is just so much easier and more lucrative.  

It ain't easy being Pamela Anderson. First you get your sexy poster censored, then you can't find anyone to impregnate you, then a loose cannon lesbian pantysniffer breaks into your home and rifles through your lacy underthings.