Remember the days when Lindsay Lohan was just a little freckle-faced kid with a big rack who spent her days calling ham-armed Hilary Duff a hobag for, like, holding hands with Aaron Carter during Toy Story 2 or something? Boy how times have changed. Lindsay has moved on to fruitlessly picking fights with Diddy and Hilary has moved on to attempting to force tiny morsels of food past her floor-tile teeth for some much-needed nourishment.  

• Arnold Schwarzenegger just can't seem to keep his hands off the dames, and now one of his extramarital playmates is claiming that she was paid off by the Enquirer. Listen, if you were married to Skeletor, wouldn't you be blindly grabbing any ripe flesh that happened to pass by?

• Kate Moss's mom has a loving nickname for her daughter's paramour Pete Doherty: Crackhead. Fitting since . . . well, since he just got arrested in Oslo for posession of heroin and crack.

• Winona! Where ya been, girlfriend? Oh, and where'd you get that cute belt? How much did it cos--oh.

• Paula Abdul to return to Idol and thanks her "fans around the world" for their support. Wait, she means these ones, right?

• Puffy Sean John Diddy P. Combs Daddy is now just "Diddy". He says the new name is "more rock n' roll" and we agree. Just saying "Diddy diddy diddy!" makes us feel like we're in Mott the Hoople!

• Marcia Cross is frigid.

• Britney sez: screw the homeless, screw poverty, and triple screw AIDS; I'm putting my cash towards more red string thingies for toddlers!  

Do you really need proof that God hates P. Diddy just as much as the rest of the world does? Well, we've got it. The man we like to call Sean (because saying "Diddy" makes us feel like total jags) had to make an emergency landing in Palm Beach on Wednesday when his chartered jet was struck by lightning. The Puffy/God feud is so on!