OK, let's get this out of the way: Never trust Ozzy Osbourne. If you tell him something important, like perhaps the details of your super-secret wedding, he will mumble something about it in between bites of his burrito and swearing about dog poop on the floor when in the presence of a member of the press.  

We've all known that Ozzy Osbourne is totally nuts for some time now. And we're not talking about the whole biting-the-head-off-a-dove thing or peeing on the Alamo. That can all be blamed on the drugs. But in his sober, old-man, burrito-eating, incoherently mumbling state his behavior is more baffling than ever. His brain seems even to have confused his daughter Kelly with his wife, resulting in true ickyness.  

Ozzy Osbourne, God love him, gives more details about his recent brush with crime-fighting: "I had [the burglar] in a headlock, the rest of his body was dangling out of the window. He was choking . . . I thought, 'I could snap your neck like a straw, snap it and let you fall and say it was an accident.'" Ozzy went on to say, "Did I say I had ONE in a headlock? I meant six. And they were ninjas. Half-man, half-cobra ninjas."  

Thieves recently stole away with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry taken from Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne's Buckinghamshire home while they slept. Word on the street is that Ozzy caught one of the burglars in a headlock before the intruder dived out of a 30 ft. high window, which we find a little hard to believe, seeing how Ozzy can't even put on his pants by himself.  

Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne have finally realized that every drop of hype has been milked, squeezed, or otherwise cajoled out of their reality show, The Osbournes, and are calling it a day.