We recently insinutated that Kirsten Dunst and Orlando Bloom might be doing the cucumber rhumba, and now, all signs are pointing to yes as they've gone rather public with their affection as of late. Ordunsto is as curious a coupled specimen as they come. He is fully waxed, razored, peculiarly devoid of visible pores, longhaired, and enjoys the feel of tailored trousers against his eunuch pubis mound. She is slouchy, grubby, usually coated in a thin sheen of oil with a hearty dose of filth under her nails, braless, and smells vaguely of Tanqueray. We're not exactly sure how their lovemaking works, though we'd assume it involves lots of prop jeweled rapiers and, possibly, vampiric bloodsucking.  

• Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.

• Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.

• Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.

• Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?

• Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.

• Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?

• Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.

• Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.

• Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.

• No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.  

We knew those rumors we heard of Orlando Bloom romancing Uma Thurman couldn't have any vestige of truth. After all, she has no known bearding experience. Penelope Cruz, on the other hand, has a bearding résumé that's long and storied. Plus, after Tom Cruise, Orlando looks positively manly.
Of course there is one other explanation for Orlando popping up in a picture of Penelope leaving Hyde: He's participating in the hottest celebrity game since Ben Affleck played "Where can I plop my nutsack?" It's celebrity Where's Waldo, in which high profile celebs try to outwit the paparazzi by donning kicky chapeaux and striped shirts and try to sneak into snaps of other high-profile celebs undetected.  

Orlando Bloom finds kissing girls awkward. Wait, he was only talking about kissing his co-stars during movie shoots. Really, Orlando? Are you sure about that? Are you sure you don't want to just go ahead and expand that statement to the entire vagina'd population? 'Cause we wouldn't be surprised if you said kissing all girls was icky.  

• "Eva Longoria Loves Facials". Yep, that sounds about right.

• My Gwen Stefani doll can beat up your Peaches N' Cream Barbie.

• Still no word on whether or not Lohan is engaged to Harry "Pink Taco" Morton, but she's sporting an '80s-style pear-cut diamond that Alexis Carrington herself would find distasteful.

• Kelly Clarkson was embarrassed to learn that she owned the same pink convertible as a porn star. The fact that she actually owns a pink convertible is much more embarrassing, however.

• Brittany Murphy exits club, gets propositioned for some tuna taco tangoing, signs autographs, lets us look down her shirt. Now that's multitasking.

• Eva Mendes's bare ass in Flaunt magazine. You heard us. That's right. Believe it. Flaunt magazine! Seriously!

• Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom broke up. Again. If a walking Chupa Chups lollipop and a crustachioed eunuch can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

• An idea we wish we'd thought of: Gossip Blog Wars.

• Kate Moss + underwear = server crash. Way to get your kit off, bird! Pip pip! Tut tut! Tally ho! Cheerio!  

We're used to talking about Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth. We make jokes about his eunuchosity and her absolute lack of body fat. They break up for a week so he can go on a starlet-humping spree and she can consume her yearly intake of four lima beans, a head of iceberg lettuce, and one asparagus spear (her movements are slow due to lack of nutritive energy, so Orlando can usually fit in a Kirsten, a Sienna, and a few elfin LotR extras in the time it takes her to masticate). But today we're in totally foreign territory. Orlando almost killed a man. And not even a famous one. How exactly does one find humor in such a situation? Well, lucky for us Orlando's ego has reached Scientological proportions and he thinks that his autograph is payment enough for nearly causing a man's violent and bloody death.  

Second-rate filmmakers are usually good at getting attention for their films without resorting to things like talented actors, good writing, or spectacular special effects. The best way to do this is with nudity, hopefully of the rampant and full-frontal variety. But when your flick stars famously prudish Jessica Alba, you have to look to other avenues. Such as coaching your actors to be total douchbags in public. It might have backfired for Cinderella Man, but it's sure to garner Awake a few viewers.  

• Despite wasting away from Exhaustion, Colin Farrell somehow musters up the strength to swing one feeble, Irish fist and "fight off" the rumors that he OD'ed.

• Orlando Bloom is tactless. And Gwyneth Paltrow is heavy with baby, for real though.

• Die Hiltons!

• Die Hiltons stuff Santa's stocking with hard nipples and thongs, that is.

• And Heather Locklear says, "Hard nips? I'll show you hard nips, bitches. I was busting out the party hats before you were out of Luvs."

• Rod Stewart swears that his marriage to Penny Lancaster will last the rest of his life. The old guy's got about 6 good years left in him, so we'd say that's doable.

• Eva Longoria is a jolly clown.

• When the rich are launched into space, and aliens finally meet delegates of Earth, the first face upon which they will lay their cold, shiny black eyes will be that of . . . Victoria Principal?

 

We love a good drunk celebrity. They bring joy into our life and reassure us that we are not the only one ending every Friday night in a pool of our own vomit on the bathroom floor. But frankly we’re a little tired of always talking about Tara Reid. The poor girl has been through enough. So thank you, Kirsten Dunst, for stepping up to the booze-soaked plate and saving Tara Reid from our continued torment.  

• We're scared, and expecting Renée Zellweger to show up at our offices with a sack of nickels and a sawed-off shotgun any day now.

• In the real world, when a guy plies a girl with booze and coerces her to strip, it's called date rape. In Hollywood, when it happens to Sly Stallone and Sharon Stone, it's called movie magic!

• BarryMORE, braLESS.

• Paparazzi didn't cause Lindsay Lohan's Benz bust-up, illegal U-turns did. GodDAMN, girl's got some good spin doctors.

• Hey, don't look at us! We've been abiding by the strict "at least 500 yards away at all times" clause in that restraining order Freddie Prinze Jr. took out on us. Right, Freddie? Right? Heh heh. Heh . . . heh. Heh?

• Man. For a pointy-faced prepubescent weinerless elf, Orlando Bloom sure gets around town with the pretty ladies.

• Thank GOD a dangerous criminal mastermind like Kate Moss will soon be behind bars! London, your streets are now safe again.  

OK, so in case you aren't able to follow what's going on with this whole foursome of mega wicked pretty Brit celebs, we're going to break it down for you all nice and easy-like. Because we care.  

After learning that her fiancé had been giving the nanny a special bonus with her paycheck, Sienna Miller is reportedly "devastated". But not too devastated to enjoy some face time with her exes! And by "face time" we mean "necking". And by "necking" we mean "making out". And by "making out" we mean . . . making out.  

Eva Green. OK. Not only does she posess the two most perfect natural globules of teat meat in all of Europe, she likes to get naked on screen. She likes it so dang much that she's willing to sass legendary director Ridley Scott for cutting out her schtup scenes. Whatta wo-man!  

Back in January, Orlando Bloom treated his former ladyfriend Kate Bosworth to a $760 meal . . . and still hasn't paid for it. We find this story hard to believe--there is no way Kate Bosworth could rack up such a staggering restaurant bill. She only ingests iceberg lettuce in a water sauce.  

On-again, off-again flames Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth are off again. For now. They've decided to take a year off from their relationship so they can give each other "time to grow". I hope Kate means that in the literal sense. Because she's real scrawny, right? Ha ha ha. "Grow". Get it? . . . Get it? Oh sweet Jesus, we're all so hung over. Someone please just come over here with a gun and put a bullet of mercy in each of our heads.  

Yeah, so Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom are back together again. We would have gotten this information to you sooner, but forgive us if we were unable to muster anything remotely resembling enthusiasm towards an elfin eunuch and a B-list bobblehead joining giblets again. However, after viewing the following picture, we decided that we do care, after all. In fact, we're making it our personal mission to Feed Kate Bosworth. We've assembled a supergroup of some of our finest musicians (Kix! Ugly Kid Joe! And Frank Stallone!) to put out a beautiful song called "The Wind Whispers 'Kate' (Across Her Clavicles)". All proceeds go towards buying Kate a big fat gift certificate to Taco Bell!  

We're not sure why today's gossip is so dang homoerotic, but hey, we're going with it. Bobbleheaded beauty Kate Bosworth is speaking out about her split with actor Orlando Bloom, and blaming it on the fact that he likes to spend time with men. Lots of men. All the time.  

If you happened to walk past a middle school on your way to work this morning you probably saw groups of twelve-year-old girls weeping uncontrollably with joy and wondered what the hell was going on. Everyone's favorite elf Orlando Bloom has dumped the incredible shrinking Kate Bosworth. Let the swooning begin.