• Jessica Simpson, in a bikini, on vacation. She's taking great care to conceal her crotch behind various objects, which can only mean one thing: BABY BUMP! Just kidding, she probably forgot to shave.

• Ever wonder what goes on behind the closed doors at a high-powered meeting in which executives get together with the Olsen twins to discuss their next line of clothing/cosmetics/cereal/handbags? Tareytons, is what. Cartons and cartons and cartons of Tareytons.

• Take a stick of raw linguine, dye it paper-bag brown, glue a Crystal Barbie wig to the top of it and two half coconut shells halfway down, and what do you get? Victoria Beckham.

• Jennifer Ellison wears panties that show her clam. Her pussyclam.

• Big fluffy hair was cool in the '80s; Tommy Lee sported the look well into the '90s. And now that it's 2006, Tommy Lee has finally moved on to last decade, showing off some highly sweet tribal tattoos paired with Manic Panic hair. Luckily, huge dongs never go out of style.

• The Curious Birth of Suri No Middle Name Cruise: the legend continues.

• Jackie Chan, all hopped up on Seagram's Golden Wine Coolers, causes a rumpus at a concert. We'd expect that kind of behavior from a McConaughey or a Sutherland, but that nice Chan boy?

• Alyssa Milano wants to create a line of women's sports fan gear. Which, if her shirt is any indication, will involve lots of pastel smocking and rainbow beads. Go team!

• Stacey Dash, naked in Playboy. Not a Monet.  

• A surprise appearance by Mick Jagger causes a near-riot at his illegitimate son's grade school. Right, like Brazilian 6-year-olds know who the fuck Mick Jagger is.

• Most women look all glowy and happy and shiny and fresh when they're all knocked up. Gwyneth Paltrow? Ehhhhh, not so much.

• Thar she blows! A hump like a snowhill! It's Britney, breaching and proving that yes, the Murphy's Mart Five and Dime off Cub Run Highway in central Kentucky does, in fact, have a swimwear line!

• An Olsen twin with her right teat hanging out? HOW RUDE!

• PETA urges our vice president to shoot Eva Longoria in the face. Yes, you read that correctly.

• We're kind of grossing ourselves out over the fact that we think Avril Lavigne is suddenly utterly alluring.

• Betty White. Naked. Eh, she's no Rue McClanahan.

• Carmen Electra and Victoria Silvstedt fake make out, legions of dudes in fake tans and Gotti boy hairdos cream.

• Not satisfied with adopting needy children from across the Earth, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt branch out and adopt a beautiful new baby from the planet Owens-Corning and debut their new child in all her rosy, fluffy glory in Paris. Congrats to the new parents!  

• Mariah Carey ensures that she will never receive a free Chanel dress ever again.

• Why, hello, M&Ms stuck in Jennifer Lopez's dress. Nice to see you.

• Speaking of small round candies and boobs . . .

• Beyonce once jiggled her jelly so damn hard that her entire dress fell off. Guess she didn't see that ragtag group of young men with oversized novelty magnets who sewed her garment with metal thread.

• Lindsay Lohan dresses up as Diane Keaton, Liza Minnelli, and Liz Taylor. Gay male plotzing TK.

• Tom Sizemore has been sent back to rehab. Also, the sun rose today.

• Ya can't shine shit: MK and Ashley Olsen are all gussied up and shilling for Badgley Mischka. Funny how chimpanzees in $5,000 frocks are still chimpanzees.

• Britney took her baby Sean to the emergency room because he was constipated. Now, we're no Dr. Spock or nuthin', but maybe, just maybe, if she stopped giving him tubes of nacho bacon E-Z Cheez in lieu of bottles, this wouldn't happen.

• And maybe Brit should lay off the aerosol delicacies herself.

• Poor Nikki Cox learns that when you agree to marry a professional guest star, you lose your livelihood. And your breasts.

• PETA activists threw flour on Paris Hilton as she entered a London fashion week party. They then battered and deep-fried her and enjoyed her with some honey BBQ dippin' sauce. Just kidding, that's not vegan.  

WARNING: OLSEN THONG AFTER THE JUMP.  

No, no, Mary-Kate. "The freshman fifteen" means you GAIN fifteen pounds, not LOSE it, sweetheart.  

We know you're all still heartbroken over the Brad and Jen split, but unfortunately we have more super-couple breakup news to report: The Olsen Twins are separating.