• A slight look at Kelly Hu's Hu-ters.

• Teri Hatcher and Ryan Seacrest dating? She says she "really enjoys his company". Well, duh. He knows about all the sample sales ahead of time, and he's so fun to enjoy a decadant whipped yogurt (only 140 creamy, dreamy calories!) with, while getting a deep tissue massage!

• OMG! Victoria's Secret is that Adriana Lima is a total virgin!!!

• Whoa, here she comes. Watch out, boy, Lindsay Lohan will chew you up.

• Sorry, ladies! Handsome beef-a-roni hunk Jack Black is officially off the market.

• Sorry again, ladies! Studly demigod Michael Bolton is also officially off the market. Enjoy that, Nicolette Sheridan.

• Jessica Alba is officially sexy, we know, but now Scarlett Johansson has been deemed certifiably pretty. Good to know.

• "Little black book" is just one of the many practical purposes served by Pam Anderson's grotesquely colossal plastic breasts.

• We mourn the demise of the leg man. If you're one of them, you will probably want to look into Paulina Rubio. Damn, that tomato's got some nice pegs.

• Paris Hilton prepares to get back to 1985 after harnessing a bolt of lightning hitting the clock tower.  

Nicolette Sheridan's spurned, nonfamous ex-fiance wants to tell the world about what a bad lover his former main squeeze is. Obligatory "now who's Desperate!" joke here. We're really phonin' it in today.  

Have you been perusing the internet for naked pictures of Nicolette Sheridan and come across someone who looked like her nakedly shaving the testicles of a man in a Ronald McDonald costume? Well, Nic wants you to know that she's way hotter than that chick.  

Apparently Jessica Alba and Nicolette Sheridan share the same publicist. Either that or sharks fucking hate celebrities. Either way, a shark’s getting punched, which is cool with us.  

A few of the Desperate Housewives think they may be just a wee bit overexposed--and they're not talking about their lack of clothing. Eva Longoria and Nicolette Sheridan have been using their plethora of interviews to gripe about being given too much attention. Unless they were naked while they were complaining, we don't really care.  

And in other naked lady news, one of Nicolette Sheridan's former friend (pfft! some friend!) is trying to peddle nudie shots of the Desperate Housewives star using rather interesting logic . . .  

Now, we've been turning the following story around in our heads over and over, scratching our noggins and pursing our lips and furrowing our brows, trying to make heads or tails of what, exactly, it all means. It's a puzzler, all right, but it sure does make for the headline of the year: "Sheridan Ailing After Carrying Out Naked House Chores". Read on.  

Nicolette Sheridan visits a surgeon . . . to prove she's allll natural, Sharon Stone sues, Nicole Kidman's new, improved, 98% more bankable knees. Read on.  

Yet another network, this time ABC, was forced to apologize for combining nudity and football. Irate fans and National Football League both complained bitterly over an intro spot for Monday Night Football, which featured Desperate Housewives star Nicolette Sheridan in the buff. Other networks take note: funbags and football are a noxious mixture, indeed.