We better watch our backs and our Moveable Type--Nicole Richie is getting into the gossip game. More specifically, she is getting into the blind item game, as evidenced by this little number she penned and left on her MySpace blog:

What 35 year old raisin face whispers her order of 3 peices of asparagus for dinner at Chateau everynight, and hides her deathly disorder by pointing the finger at me, and used her last paycheck I wrote her to pay for a publisist instead of a nutritionist? HINT: Her nickname is lettucecup...

While it doesn't assault the eyes and mind with the verbal gymnastics of a Ted Casablancas, this ain't a bad first effort, especially "raisin face" and "lettucecup". But if we were Nicole, we would have taken--nay, relished--the opportunity to write "74-year-old" instead of "35", or whatever Ms. Zoe's true age might actually be.  

• Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.

• Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.

• Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.

• Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?

• Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.

• Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?

• Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.

• Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.

• Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.

• No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.  

Yesterday, Nicole Richie fell down. But she did not go "boom", presumably, due to her lack of girth. So she fell down and went "tap". Or maybe a weak, metallic "ping", perhaps.  

Nicole Richie has entered a treatment facility. But it's not because she's anorexic. She's just tired. Tired of not eating! Ho, ho. We are comic geniuses. Like Carrot Top and Gallagher and our uncle Schlomo all rolled into one.  

We've all had ample warning that Paris Hilton is capable of spreading many undesirable things to her friends and enemies (i.e., herpes, excessive stupidity, saying that's hot) but apparently she also possesses contagious assflaps. Exhibit A:

 

Nicole Richie is quite fond of bathroom quickies. Enh. That's not very special. Call us when she's found naked in a Camero with two girls, a goat, and twenty pounds of salami. Celebrities just have no imagination these days.  

Nicole Richie proves that just because your ass resembles a torn sheet of notebook paper doesn't mean you can't stuff a thong into the crack:

 

The above picture captures Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie waiting at a valet stand after exiting an eatery together. Now you know that feeling of peace and love and gratitude that your grandparents felt at the end of World War II. It's totally the same thing.  

Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn have broken up. And so have Nicole Richie and that one guy. He's like the son of some famous guy who, like, did the luge or synchronized swimming at the Olympics or something. He dated that girl from that show that's like The O.C. only "real"? C'mon, he's tall, has dark hair, wears shirts? You know the one.  

Coke boogers are the new skinny jeans:

Fig. 1: Nicole Richie


Fig. 2: Kate Moss


Which is pretty apropos since, well, you have to fit into said skinny jeans somehow.  

• Janet Jackson says that her sex life was great when she was fat, and that her Ewok lover Jermaine Dupri would "grab me, pull me around the stomach, look me in the eyes and say, 'This needs love too!'" And then he'd gently insert his penis into her stomach folds.

• Britney Spears reportedly had a tummy tuck following the birth of SPFsquared. Slowly inching closer and closer to Tara Reid territory (Taratory?).

• Little Aaron Carter is engaged! To a Playboy Playmate! Presumeably, his pneumatic bride-to-be has seen AARON CARTER SHIRTLESS.

• Safely ogle Kelly Brook in her underwear from the comfort of your own home, free from fear of retaliation at the hands of your friend Billy Zane.

• Lindsay Lohan is looking to move to England, most likely because the English are the only people who can drink her under the table.

• Jackass Steve-O tells us, in great detail, about the time he masturbated onto Nicole Richie's back. And then her semi-exposed spinal column recognized the protein content of the expelled liquid and, revolted at the idea of nourishment, quickly whipped the offending substance away from Richie's person.

• Courtney Love and Whitney Houston: not only are they recovering substance abusers, they both have names that end in -tney! BFFs!

• Paris takes advantage of Lindsay Lohan's absence; flirts with Harry Morton. When the exposed pussy lips are away, the skank will play.

• Asia Argento turns 31 today, and celebrates by picking G-string bikini bottoms out of her anus. Mazel tov!  

• Yes, you've seen Kate Moss in her underwear before. But that's not going to stop you from looking again.

• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.

• For all you gymnast (we're quite dumb) figure skater-loving old dudes: Katarina Witt upskirt!

• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.

• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.

• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!

• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.

• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!  

Paris Hilton is apparently feeling fairly peevish towards Elijah Blue Allman, the offspring of Gregg Allmann and Cher. Last week he went on Howard Stern and admitted that, years ago, he porked our favorite cockeyed trollop and, as the sex was of the unprotected variety, he scrubbed his penis with Tilex afterwards. Sadly, the household cleaner did not protect Allman from contracting a cornucopia of venereal diseases, but we're told that he finally got that stubborn mildew out of his weiner grout.  

Actresses getting their digital cameras hijacked: catch the fever! Hot on the heels of Angelina Jolie's leaked baby shower pictures and Britney and the Fed's vacation photos comes yet another starlet whose private photos have been commandeered by nogoodniks. And what if we told you that the photos were of said starlet naked, cavorting with various sundry pals? Insta-boner, uncontrollable sweating, pupils transforming into comical pounding hearts? And what if we then told you that said naked starlet was Nicole Richie? Frowny face, projectile diarrhea, self-castration.  

The Late Show with David Letterman has become everyone's go-to show for breaking heavy news. First Britney chose the show to squeal about her second Federfetus implantation, now Paris and Nicole are rumored to be set to make nice. Perhaps it is the friendly, nonjudgmental gap between Letterman's teeth that makes stars feel so comfortable baring their innermost thoughts, or maybe it's just the lingering specter of circa '95 Drew Barrymore flashing her breasts that makes them feel so free.  

Nicole Richie is the runt of the spindly-legged, razor-sharp collar-boned Hollywood kitten litter. Try as they might, Mischa Barton, Keira Knightley, even Kate Bosworth can't push the scale numbers low enough to compete with Richie. But being the tiniest little kitten has it's disadvantages. Nicole is banished to the corners of the towel-lined cardboard box (otherwise known as the clearance rack at Kitson) while her stronger kitty brethren suckle at Mummy's teats (obvs, Koi). Nicole peers sadly behind her under-fed, saucer-like eyes (bug-eyed Dior sunglasses) struggling to just stay conscious. And sometimes poor Nicole loses that struggle.  

Today, imdb.com is reporting that Nicole Richie has been seen spending some "quality time" with Jeff Goldblum, after recently revealing in an interview that she's had a crush on him since she was 13. At first, we were scratching our heads wondering what he could possibly see in Richie, then we realized:

And it all came together.  

BREAKING: Nicole Richie “cuddled and looked very cozy” with Matt Dillon last week! Developing . . . Nicole also seen in vicinity of hamburger! And she still found time to fit in a win at the annual fashion show at my nana's retirement home! What a multitasker, that one.  

• Heath Ledger got squirted with water as a prank and took it really personally. What, are you gonna cry about it? Huh, little tiny baby Heathie? Gonna cry? Go on, cryyyyyy, baby! Cryyyyyy!

• Piloh Shitt, for real this time:

Many, many more pictures of mom, dad, Zahara, new baby, and nursing bra here.

• We're just a copper hair away from seeing the freckles pouring forth from Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch.

• Speaking of Lindsay, she incurred the fiery wrath of Vogue editrix Anna Wintour at the CFDA Awards when she failed to get a hall pass to visit the potty. Six times. In two hours.

• Elle MacPherson is still a foxy MacPerson.

• Nicole Richie, mad with hunger, throws water all over some poor paparazzo. Maybe she mistook him for Heath Ledger?

• Jessica Alba pulls a Teri Hatcher and trusses up her already buoyant, flawless blammos with tape. Son of a bitch.

• Katherine Heigl wants to show off her Grey's Anatomy on a sex tape. We can say with utterly no sarcasm whatsoever that the idea is a wonderful one and should be carried out immediately, and with zest.

• PIcking up freshly-laid, warm dog crap with a plastic bag makes Mariah's nipples hard.

• Chris "alpha heterosexual male" Klein grows the beard that Topher Grace just shaved off.  

Nicole Richie (admittedly looking a little beefier and healthier than the last time she ventured out in a bikini) joyously allows her buddies to admire her delicately exposed sternum and lack of ass on the beach. On this, the day after Memorial Day, let's all take a moment out of our busy day to pause and silently remember the flesh that has died and fallen off Nicole's body in the past two years. Never forget.

 

• Nicole Richie and DJ AM have officially broken up. Apparently, he's disgusted by Nicole's extreme weight loss method of not eating, while he lost over a hundred pounds the old fashioned way: by having a team of doctors reduce his stomach to the size of a butterbean, then saw off all his excess skin with scalpels.

• Ryan Seacrest pulls a Heather Chandler.

• Naomi Campbell "keeps new man quiet". By beating his larynx clean out of his throat with a Sidekick.

• Beginning our special cleavage (un)coverage from Cannes: Halle Berry's berries!

• Up next: Elizabeth Hurley, trotting out her old girls!

• And finally, Alyssa Milano's Micelli mams! A stupendous showing! Props to all!

• Michelle Rodriguez is heading back to jail. Must be a dream come true for her.

• Michelle Williams's dad was jailed for tax evasion. Maybe he and Lindsay Lohan's father can break out the jug and harmonica and form a prison band.

• Penn Jillette and wife name newborn son Zolten, because they want him to grow up to tell fortunes.

• Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell names her newborn daughter Bluebell Madonna, because she wants her to be a magical pet rabbit that strips.  

And today in the "Damn, bitch, tell us something we don't know" department: Nicole Richie says she's too skinny. She went on to make other startling announcements, like Jessica Alba is pretty, water is wet, and sex is fun. That Nicole, always ahead of the curve.  

• Rosie O'Donnell challenges Naomi Campbell to a cage match, saying, "I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass." Normally, our money would be on Rosie, but we hear Naomi has custom-made bedazzled boxing gloves in the shape of hand-held communication devices, so . . .

• Natalie Portman: she's Harvard-educated, speaks four languages, acts, dances, saves Jason Bateman's puppy from certain death. Basically, she's like Jesus. Jesus in a thong.

• Well, hey there, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace. You go, girl, with your big ole cleavage and your flashing of an actor dressed like a cop and all that. You go, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace.

• The fat kid from Stand By Me is engaged to Pepper Dennis.

• Oh, that Paris Hilton! What a scamp! Her thrush-encrusted acid tongue is at it again. She says that former BFF Nicole Richie "cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her", and that "she has nothing else so she really wants to do [The Simple Life] but I don't. It's really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she's obviously not enough," and that Nicole is simply jealous and fame-hungry. Special emphasis on "hungry".

• Lindsay Lohan admits to dabbling in Kabbalah, saying, "All of us need something. You have to grab on to whatever gets you through." It's definitely pretty easy to grab a pretty red string when it's on your wrist. You know what else is easy to grab onto? Boobs. Big boobs.

• Kate Beckinsale is said to be the forerunner in the race to be cast as Wonder Woman. Her Halloween costume really gave her a leg up on the competition. Does that mean that Lindsay Lohan will soon be cast as a firefighting junkie stripper?

• Tom Cruise has a pacifier custom-made for Katie Holmes as an aid to shut her the hell up during delivery. And CelebNewsWire has an adult diaper made for Tom, because we hate his crazy ass.  

We hope that you had a fun-filled weekend, because it doesn't look like any celebrities did. There's still no TomKat (fake, alien) baby, Lindsay Lohan didn't get coked out and fall down the stairs at whichever club is days away from becoming so last week (or we didn't hear about it), and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt didn't adopt the entire orphan population of Borneo. Pretty mundane really. Except for Kevin Smith calling Reese Witherspoon a cunt. That was a bit exciting.  

Nicole Richie wants to know if eleven-year-olds find her fuckable. This must mean that her lady business has shrunk to Cabbage Patch Kid size just like the rest of her and she's just trying to find a penis that will fit. That, or she's been getting romantic advice from Michael Jackson.  

It's been announced that Nicole Richie and her former-fat-kid fiancé DJ AM have officially called off their engagement. We're stunned! You could knock us over with a feather. Or you could knock us over with a Nicole Richie. Do you get it? Because she's skinny. Boo-yah!  

When was the last time you gave a passing thought to Naomi Campbell? That time that she threw a phone at someone? Or that other time she threw a phone at someone? Or when Russell Crowe threw a phone at someone did you stop and think of her? See, the problem with Naomi Campbell is that she takes out her aggression on the un-famous. We don't really care about her scratching her personal assistant's corneas with a diamond ring or stuffing dirty gym socks down her throat because we just can't visualize it. We like our Naomi Campbell assault victims to have a face. Like Nicole Richie.  

• Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.

• Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.

• Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!

• After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.

• While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.

• She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.

• Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.

• Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.

• After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!

 

Has the current television season left you feeling empty and unfulfilled? Your panties aren't in a bunch over whether Kate will hook up with Sawyer or Jack? Not losing sleep about what Chrismukkah festivities will occupy the Cohens this winter? What, in the name of Xenu, could fill this entertainment void? Nothing less than Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie trying to get their chimneys swept by other women's husbands, of course. Thanks, E!, for making our dreams come true.  

Does Paris Hilton have feelings? Is she capable of guilt or remorse or any kind of sentiment at all? We would have guessed no, but she’ll show us a tidy kiss-and-make-up note to Nicole Richie to prove our cold, untrusting hearts wrong.