You've likely seen photos recently of Nicole Kidman touching her stomach or wearing a sweatshirt that doesn't cling to reveal every protruding rib with a caption of "Baby Bump!' "Baby on Board!" "Is Nicole Preggers?" "Oh Mama!" "Oh Baby!" or some such drivel. Well, Nicole's people claim those photos were doctored. Welcome, folks, to the new "She's not strung out, she works too hard and needs a nice hospital rest": "She didn't eat a whole side of ribs and a quart of baked beans; nor is she full of her husband's/boyfriend's/cabana boy's sperm. The photos were doctored."  

After their marriage, Nicole Kidman and her new husband, crooning outback troubadour Keith Urban, jetted to a remote, staggeringly expensive, extremely private resort on the island of Bora Bora. Picture it: You're arguably the world's most famous actress, you've just pulled of a smooth wedding, you're heading to a tropical locale away from the prying eyes of the public, you've hired a team of jet-skiing bodyguards to patrol the area, and you're met with . . . the infamous Eva Longoria, staying mere steps from your private cabin, banging gongs and knocking on your door asking to borrow a cup of sugar and offering you marital aids from her vast private stash.  

For the past week or two all we heard about was the impending wedding of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. And we really didn't care. So what's changed now that they have officially become international superstar and househusband? Nothing really, but as that was really the only thing that happened over the weekend, we thought we'd suck it up for you, our wedding-obsessed wrapped-up-in-lace-with-a-bow-on-top super gay readers. Oh wait, our readers are pervy dirty old men who like to look at twenty-year-old celebrity nipples. Well, fuck, it's too late to find a new story now.  

• Heidi Klum impregnated by Seal; expecting another flipper baby.

• Posh Spice to become godmother to Ginger Spice's baby daughter, Bluebell Spice. That's nice. When Bluebell needs advice on bulimia, tanning beds, and how to be a good trophy wife, she'll have a wealth of information at her fingertips.

• Yet MORE Toni Braxton nipples. You can put those things away now, honey.

• Nicole Kidman sends a case of beer to the paparazzi. We assume the reason for this was so that they wouldn't notice that her face has been freshly pulled, drawn up and over the back of her skull, and tacked into place for her upcoming nuptials.

• Robert Evans divorcing. Seventh time ain't the charm, apparently.

• Tera Patrick pics from FHM magazine. Which must stand for Fricking Humpable Mams.

• SNL's Andy Samberg gets Dunsted!

• Jen Love Hewitt's hugetits strapped in by nothing but a flimsy . . . Yoko Ono shirt?

• Michelle Rodriguez dreams of a relationship with Colin Farrell, but sadly, it can never be. Because he's not a girl.  

You know that look Nicole Kidman always seems to have, the one that says, "I'm a frigid bitch with a stick up my ass, don't even try to make me smile because my botoxed face might crack"? Well, for now at least there's a reason behind that look: Girl's not getting laid.  

So Nicole Kidman is marrying outback troubador Keith Urban, and it seems the pair have stepped back into 1990 and booked Bette Midler to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" at the ceremony. Afterwards, everyone will feast on an Olestra cake, talk about the collapse of the Soviet Union, and slip the shoulder pads out of their party dresses to do the Electric Slide.  

• FemaleFirst reports that Nicole Kidman used "the F-word". Oh, but they meant "fiancé!" Awwwww, ha ha ha ha, that was so clever! You really had us going there, FemaleFirst!

• Debra Wilson from Mad TV shows off her comedic chops. And by "comedic chops" we mean "tits".

• Barbra Streisand gets on the guest list at your local Loews.

• Carmen Electra hates herself for lovin' Joan Jett. Can't break free from the things that she . . . doan . . . dett? Eh, we suck.

• Janice Dickinson: genius of our time.

• Elle MacPherson loves to have loads and loads of casual sex. Just not with you. You fat loser.

• Light-filled goddess from heaven Mandy Moore denies cherry-poppage at the hands and wang of Fez. Wouldn't you?

• Is J. Lo preg. o?

• Speaking of cherries, The Virgin Adriana Lima is a punchy little firecracker. We got a little something that would chill her right out. Yeeeeah, that's right. A little somethin' in our pants, if you dig what we're saying. It's a packet of chamomile tea and a fizzy bath bomb in our pocket. They're great for de-stressing!  

Tom Cruise has had his fill of uppity women. No paid servant wife of his is going to be bothered with a silly little thing like a career. Katie Holmes is probably being kept pretty busy with auditing sessions, stuffing pillows under her shirt, and scanning her subconscious for thetans anyway. That doesn't leave much time for talking out of the side of her mouth on film.  

• Actor Chris Penn found dead in Santa Monica. Goodnight, Willard, may you dance around tractors in heaven. Let's hear it for the boy.

• Oh baby, Keith! Keith's got what Kidman neee-eeeeds! But she say he's just a friend! She she say he's just a friend!

• Promo pics of an old but still trampy Sharon Stone from the upcoming Basic Instinct 2. No, she's not showing her 'tang.

• Unlike George Bush, Pam Anderson's ass cares about black people.

• Paris Hilton knows that the most flattering accessory for any modern girl's nip slip is a pair of kicky handcuffs. Sassy!

• Headline of the century.

• Avril Lavigne grows up, loses tie and armwarmers, looks purdy.

• If the Pavarotti deign to snap pictures of Russell Crowe's preggo wife, they will be "tarred and feathered." Which is a step up from "phoned and phoned."  

You know all those kids' soccer games Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes attend where they make out on the sidelines in full view of paparazzi instead of watching Tom's kids run around the field and try to score goals? That's probably about all the time Tom spends with his tiny little press releases, but he's not about to let you find out the truth.  

There's a chill in the air and the holidays are nearly upon us, so naturally celebrities are pairing off and trying to keep warm with marathon humping sessions. Hey, it's more practical than padding their bodies with a healthy layer of fat for insulation and risk landing only roles as the perpetually single friend of the slim and sexy star. We've got engagements between Nicole Kidman and a non-Kenny Chesney country star and Kimberly Stewart and some dude from some MTV show that our fourteen-year-old cousin really likes, Leonardo DiCaprio filling his Gisele void with some saggy Kirsten Dunst tit, and oh so much more.  

• Harrison Ford refuses to admit it's not 1987 and continues to wear "rebellious" earring. Ooooh, you bad!

• Nicole Kidman hates her tall, willowy model figure and wants to be short n' dumpy like you and me.

• Britney, inspired by a recent movie, wants to name her baby "Charlie". Well, we suppose that's better than Jordan Two Delta.

• Women keep marrying Robert Evans. The mind boggles.

• Seriously, though. Chappelle's Show is not coming back. It's not ever coming back. It's gone. You have to move on, man. Just move on.

• Maddy calls Braddy his daddy.

• The kids, they seem to like the Eva Longoria. Here are some Rolling Stone pictures, you slimy pervos.  

• Anorexia, asthma, crummy tonsils, kidney problems, throat cysts, childhood OCD. It's a wonder Jessica Alba lived past puberty.

• Osama Bin Laden: valiantly trying to wipe out America's population of electroclash holdovers.

• Kate Moss loses 120 lbs. of ugly, useless flesh; possibly picks up a Jackass.

• Nicole Kidman plans to take a year or two off acting. We suspect that when she returns, she'll have mysteriously taken more than a year or two off her looks.

• Two impossibly good-looking WB stars' three-month old marriage on the rocks? If Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

• The diabolical Mischa Barton plays the TomKat game.

• Brittany Murphy proves that nothing sells jeans quite like a lack of jeans.  

Nicole Kidman says that, before her career took off, she turned down a role in a Jane Campion movie because it required a lesbian scene, and she wanted to get into acting to swap spit with the opposite sex. How very Gene Simmons of her.  

Are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes heading toward matching track suits and a split-level in the burbs? Do we even care anymore? We think TomKat may have left The Isle of Crazy and are now lingering in the vicinity of Dullsville. It’s time for Katie to pick up a taser and start fighting off those body thetans that are constantly threatening her man’s non-pharmaceutical happiness. Or at least get pregnant with Tom’s totally un-gay baby.  

Ah, the miracle of childbirth. So natural! So beautiful! Looking into your brand-new baby’s eyes and seeing a little piece of yourself looking back, passing on the knowledge you’ve accrued throughout your lifetime to your child, loving another person selflessly. All heartwarming parts of giving birth, but Nicole Kidman doesn’t give a shit about any of that—she just wants great big tits!  

We've made no secret of our love for the copy editor-free femalefirst.com and their delightfully droll headlines. We think today's gem "Did Russell Crowe's penis cancel his latest film 'Eucalyptus'?" says it all, really.  

First Nicole Kidman was terrified of butterflies, now she's scared of a different type of bug: the eavesdropping kind. It's a good thing the A-lister spent her entire food budget on a top-notch security team for her Sydney, Australia, home, since they were early to discover the listening device.  

Nicole thinks the fact that she bought her wedding dress before she had even met her husband cursed her marriage to Tom Cruise. That's funny; we could have sworn it was due more to the fact that he's a perma-grinning android with a Napoleon complex who believes in an intergalactic alien overlord named Xenu!  

What normal people are afraid of: snakes, heights, the IRS. What Hollywood mega-stars are afraid of: the paparazzi, losing their looks . . . and butterflies?  

The holiday season is a time of giving. A time of sharing. A time to let your loved ones know you care. We were expecting The Lady Federline to bang out a Christmastime ode to her husband's XBox skills, but, surprisingly, it's everyone's favorite deadbeat dad, Steve Bing, who busts out the quill and lets the muse take over.  

Nicolette Sheridan visits a surgeon . . . to prove she's allll natural, Sharon Stone sues, Nicole Kidman's new, improved, 98% more bankable knees. Read on.  

Last week, we reported that Birth star Nicole Kidman was spotted dining with Liz Hurley ex/deadbeat dad Steve Bing. Now, the romance heats up as they're seen mashing mouths at an L.A. eatery. With a fertile track record like Bing's, a DNA test cannot be far behind. Pull up a chair and pop some popcorn, for the train wreck has begun!  

Nicole Kidman thinks she'd be perfect for the role of legendary fashion designer Coco Chanel. Not because she thinks the role would be a nice, meaty challenge, not because she feels a kinship to the glamorous diva, but because "Chanel No 5 was the first perfume I used and I've been faithful to it since I was 14." Well, hell, I guess I'd be great in the forthcoming epic about the creator of Cottonelle toilet paper, then.  

Nicole Kidman is reportedly dating producer Steve Bing, who is the deadbeat dad of Elizabeth Hurley's son Damien. During his break-up from Elizabeth Hurley, Bing showed incredible refinement and class when he questioned whether he was the father of the baby, saying their relationship was not an "exclusive" one. A DNA test later proved he was.