About once every three months or so Nicky Hilton begs big sis Paris to lie low for a couple days, go for a series of colonics at that nice spa in Palm Springs or fall off a table while she's dancing so she has to have a bit of bed rest, so that Nicky can nab a little piece of the Hilton press pie, in order to sell Tweety-bird themed clothing or a hotel or cowboy hats with Nicky spelled out in rhinestones or some such crap. This time around Nick's using her Paris-free day for a little break-up publicity.  

Revelling in other people's misfortune is our métier, and revelling in the misfortune of the undeservedly wealthy and egregiously vile is our specialty-within-our-specialty. So today has been a particularly happy day around the CNW offices after hearing about Kevin Connolly repeatedly slugging bloated moneybags Brandon Davis last week. Nothing like a ninny getting his just desserts. And if there's anything Brandon Davis loves, it's desserts!  

An Entourage cast member got uppity at a club recently and started a fight with the DJ. We know what you're thinking, and, nope, it wasn't Piven. It wasn't Adrian Grenier or Matt Dillon's brother either. Turtle? He's got some heft. Nope? God, then who's left? Mandy Moore? It has to be Mandy Moore. Wait, you're saying it was Kevin Connolly? Eric? He looks like he couldn't even take Jermaine Dupri or a really quick-witted Ewok. Yeah, we know that last sentence was a bit redundant, but we couldn't think of another thing that was really really small and scrappy.  

• Kelly Osbourne thinks Paris Hilton inspires parents to dress their children like hookers. Would she rather the children of the world take fashion cues from her?


• Is Liz Hurley all knocked up again? Does anyone care?

• Nicky Hilton calls Mischa Barton a "fat pig". Huh. Maybe she meant "stuck pig"?

• Remember those Lisa Loeb thong shots we showed you yesterday? Of course you do. Well, now you can see those pictures move! It's called "the talkies", which translates to "motile ass".

• Jodie "Stephanie Tanner" Sweetin was a meth head, but she's since Cut! It! Out!

• Oh, speaking of thongs, flash leads to a see-through dress in Alyssa Milanoland.

• Egotastic!'s got the poop scoop on what's really going down betwixt Sienna Miller and Darth Vader. It's considerably less sexy than previously thought.

• Tyra Banks rocks the pit stubble. Fierce!!!

• Quote of the year: "If you're going to be raped in a movie, it may as well be Vincent Cassel." Oh, Jennifer Aniston, you are so terribly high-larious.

• Oh yeah, Oscar nominees.

• Tom Cruise's next potential film project will be a "contemporary romance". We have a good idea for a romantic film! Boy divorces girl, elders at boy's cult pay new girl to perpetrate like she's dating boy, boy jumps on furniture, cult elders impregnate girl with mythical animal-human hybrid, and . . . aw, never mind. Nobody would buy it.  

When our sweet lord Jesus returns to Earth and the heathens are cast into a boiling lake of habanero-infused diarrhea while awesome people like us rise into a kitten and bunny-filled heaven where we will start a band with Keith Moon's corpse, there will be an epic in the battle of the creepily MILFy stage mothers. Manicured talons will fly, weaves will be ripped out, they will stab each other to the death with loaded Botox syringes. Dina Lohan and Tina Simpson will lose and one mother will rise head and naked breastices above the rest, victorious: Kathy Hilton. You don't believe us? Well! Somebody obviously doesn't know their Bible! It is written.  

Despite what your uproarious novelty T-shirt might claim, you are not a licensed bikini inspector. Sadly, such a position does not exist, although it seems one might have a shot at becoming a Paris Hilton boob wrangler.  

It's the week between Christmas and New Year's, when it seems that only about 10% of Americans are working (and if our British gossip site oracles are any indication, all of England is asleep in their figgy puddings right now) and we can't see past our bulging gut thanks to that leftover batch of Santa-shaped sugar cookies we scarfed down for breakfast, so we weren't expecting much from the gossip world today. Of course we had forgotten that during the holiday season celebrities spend time lounging in tropical locales donning very little clothing. So today we're collecting more celebrity breast meat than you can shake your stick at. Happy Holidays!  

• Despite wasting away from Exhaustion, Colin Farrell somehow musters up the strength to swing one feeble, Irish fist and "fight off" the rumors that he OD'ed.

• Orlando Bloom is tactless. And Gwyneth Paltrow is heavy with baby, for real though.

• Die Hiltons!

• Die Hiltons stuff Santa's stocking with hard nipples and thongs, that is.

• And Heather Locklear says, "Hard nips? I'll show you hard nips, bitches. I was busting out the party hats before you were out of Luvs."

• Rod Stewart swears that his marriage to Penny Lancaster will last the rest of his life. The old guy's got about 6 good years left in him, so we'd say that's doable.

• Eva Longoria is a jolly clown.

• When the rich are launched into space, and aliens finally meet delegates of Earth, the first face upon which they will lay their cold, shiny black eyes will be that of . . . Victoria Principal?

 

When was the last time you gave a passing thought to Naomi Campbell? That time that she threw a phone at someone? Or that other time she threw a phone at someone? Or when Russell Crowe threw a phone at someone did you stop and think of her? See, the problem with Naomi Campbell is that she takes out her aggression on the un-famous. We don't really care about her scratching her personal assistant's corneas with a diamond ring or stuffing dirty gym socks down her throat because we just can't visualize it. We like our Naomi Campbell assault victims to have a face. Like Nicole Richie.  

Hotel heiress and sister to Paris Nicky Hilton has been granted an annulment from her quickie marriage to New York businessman Todd Meister. Sigh. If those two crazy kids can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?