We absolutely, unequivocally believe that we are just moments away from seeing Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey perform the hillbilly interpretation of sex on our very own moving-image-machine thingy. But then again, we also believe that we are a magical creature birthed of the union of a unicorn and a hallucinogenic mushroom and that we can shoot diamonds encased in fire out of our ass. So what we believe might not hold much water.  

Perhaps you are the world's biggest Jessica Simpson and/or Vanessa Minnillo fan and your heart yearns to view these chaste, ripe young things engaged in triple-X action. Or, possibly, you are obsessed with the dreamy blue eyes of Nick Lachey, spending your days cutting his face out of Bop magazine and pasting it atop the models of the International Male catalog. Well, guess what? You're S.O.L., because the dude is not planning on making a Paris Hilton style sex tape with his ex or present love anytime soon.  

• Who wears short shorts? Jessica Simpson wears short shorts. Heyyyyy. Nice mons pubis.

• Given the choice, Nick Lachey would rather be stuck on a desert island with Satan than with his supremely vile former father-in-law, Papa Joe Simpson. That makes 6 billion of us, Nick.

• Kate Moss might as well face that she's addicted to Pete Doherty. She wishes she knew how to quit him. Brokecrack Mountain?

• Another Doherty--Shannen--angrily hung up on a Newsweek reporter after being asked about her fiery, Naomi-Campbell-like, fired-from-Spelling-shows days. God, you run over a boyfriend 15 years ago and you never hear the end of it!

• "Christina Milian" kind of rhymes with "this tiny little thong". Sorta.

• The divorce gets ugly: Travis Barker questions his estranged wife Shanna Moakler's parenting skills, booze intake, nail salon visits, and open-door vagina policy . . . on his MySpace blog! We can't wait until she hits back with a string of vitriolic friend comments and some extra-hot profile pics taken in the bathroom mirror.

• Keith Urban, pre-tooth job looks an awful lot like Limahl of Kajagoogoo fame.

• Note to Nicole Richie: when size 000 bikini bottoms start to look like droopy adult sumo diapers, it might be time to try a cruller or something.

• One, two, princes kneel before you/thats what I said, now/princes, princes who adore you/just go ahead, now/William has a cosmo in his hand/that sounds great, now/Harry said he wants to honk your mam, now/aint in his head, now.  

Jessica Simpson is reportedly "devastated" over Nick Lachey's tell-all interview with Rolling Stone/Us Weekly. Not that she cares so much that he revealed details of their split; she's just pissed that he did it right before the release of his sure-to-be-bigger-than-Thriller album. A boy's gotta pay for his Kiehl's and his mani-pedis somehow until those alimony checks start pouring in, and appearing as the hunky-yet-dimwitted refrigerator repairman on every show on the WB was getting a little stale.  

You might think that dorking someone like Jessica Simpson would be a dream come true, but in reality, while you were pumping away, she'd be feeding some Pupparoni to her floofy dog, applying self-tanner and Creme de la Mer, taking on her cell with her publicist, and screeching at you to hurry up because her Birkin bag order was in at Hermes and good Christ, would you please fucking watch the nails? It makes sense, then, that people like Nick Lachey and Richie Sambora would toss their wives overboard in favor of copulating with norms. Personal assistant-fucking: catch the fever!  

Do you still live in a fantasy world where Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey were married young because they were deeply, madly in love (and not because they were Christians who wanted to screw) and the end of their marriage brought on tears and heartache and pain that only an expanse of years can heal? Yeah . . . No. The end of their marital contract just brought on lawsuits. Lots and lots of lawsuits.  

Nick Lachey apparently realizes that now that his meal ticket has flown the coop his only chance of clenching on to any remote, microscopic, tattered shred of fame is to use any given opportunity to talk about the demise of his marriage to Jessica Simpson.  

We understand that a lot of you would like to get into Jessica Simpson's pants. Would it blow your minds to find out that the one man who regularly did just that would cast aside said pants in favor of her shoes?  

Jessica Simpson officially filed for divorce on Friday afternoon. The dream is over . . . blah, blah, blah . . . shattered illusions . . . yada, yada, yada . . . never believe in love again. Really all we care about is how fast Jess can go from sham-happy married lady to hoovering lines off Paris Hilton's ass while dancing on a table in her underwear at Privilege. We're guessing pretty damn fast.  

Dear Nick,
When we first met, Daddy hadn't let me talk to many boys so I thought you were really hot. But then I started meeting boys who were way hotter and way more famous than you. And I think I can do better. I bet I could even score with Leonardo DiCaprio if I tried really, really hard and Daddy talked to his agent for me. So I think we should finally end this sham. And I don't care what you think. Nah nah nah. I'm in charge. HA! Well, maybe Daddy's in charge a little, but you're not in charge! You can't stop me! I never have to pretend that I don't hate you ever again! Have fun on the State Fair circuit, you washed up hack!
The ass that you will never tap again,
Jessica  

Oh, for crying out loud in a bucket. We skip town for one second to stuff bone-dry turkey and various sundry beige foods into our maws, and Nick and Jessica go and officially announce their split, the pitiless fiends.  

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are no longer playing Ward and June. We get it. We’ve accepted it. Why can’t they? Just admit it, guys. Tell us some bullshit like, “We love each other, but we’re no longer in love with each other. We tried really, really hard, but we can’t make it work.” Then take the rings off and go screw the brains out of some hot young things. You’ll both feel alive and free for the first time in years.  

Hey guys, Jessica Simpson here, and I just wanted you to know that I am sooo in love with my husband. He’s hot, isn’t he? His boyish smile and those dimples you could swim in are way better than Johnny Knoxville’s white-trash ’stache and long, muscular tongue. Mmmmmmmm, Johnny’s tongue . . . um, what was I saying? Oh yeah, I looked hot in those Daisy Dukes, didn’t I? I really have a great ass (and I did NOT use implants). So there is no f-ing way that Nick cheated on me with some little skanky college-freshman whore. She’s a liar. ‘Cause I’m hot shit, mothafuckers, and no one would ever cheat on me or my daddy would cut off his penis. He told me he would.  

They’ve finally done it; Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have finally grown tired of each other’s genitals. And this isn’t like that other time when E! tricked us into believing that Jess was finally free to slut it up all over town and we naïvely believed them. No, this time we’re believing US Weekly. They’re way more reliable.  

• Gwen Stefani sees herself as a "dorky fat kid". That's funny, because we see her as a creepy transvestite who keeps Japanese girls as pets.

• Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and weed.

• Naomi Campbell blah blah blah new catfight blah blah punching slapping blah zzzzzzzzzz.

• Johnny Knoxville has something in common with Mick Jagger. And it's not 30 illegitmate children or highly kissable lips!

• Victoria Posh Spice says she does, in fact, read books. They're just children's books, is all.

• Nick and Jessica can barely fake it anymore.

• It's kind of a crude, low budget Midwestern version of Gawker Stalker, but we have our first celebrity sighting: a snitchy spy wrote us and said that they spotted Dwight Yoakam at the White Stripes/Greenhornes show in Chicago last night, and that Yoakam was "hanging around the Greenhornes' dressing room for a good hour, calling the band 'my Ohio boys' and eating their Fritos and dip". If you see Yoakam (or, like, Angelina Jolie, or Marilyn McCoo even) at their show tonight, let us know: tips@celebnewswire.com.  

Jessica Simpson is delighted and proud that she was able to wait until her wedding night to give up her maidenhead, because it was the "most amazing moment" of her life. So amazing that she had to immediately go and try it out with half the cast of Jackass. We kid, Jessica, we kid! (We think?)  

We’ve got some bad news for you, guys. Jessica Simpson is a filthy filthy liar. She tries to sell poor pizza-faced kids Proactiv when she actually uses its competitor. We are truly devastated by this news. The next thing they’re going to tell us is that Trident is only recommended by two out of five dentists, not four out of five, and that Mentos isn’t really the freshmaker.  

If you were Jessica Simpson and you were turning sixteen years old, what would you want for your birthday? Why, a Mexican orphan baby, of course.  

Late yesterday afternoon we felt that all our prayers had been answered. We had visions of Jessica Simpson getting talked into covering herself in honey and paying a visit to the nearest zoo's bear habitat and then getting the excess honey licked off by Johnny Knoxville in appreciation--all in front of a camera, of course. But, alas, those blissful scenes still only exist in our imagination. Simpson has not filed for divorce from Nick Lachey. And the people at E! Online are a bunch of damn dirty liars.  

We don't know if he caught wind of the rumors circulating about Johnny Knoxville, his wife, and the tossing of salad, but Nick Lachey was certainly seen enjoying himself last Friday night in the lobby of the Hilton hotel. What is it about the name "Hilton" that inspires spontaneous sluttery?  

Nick Lachey, you made a big mistake. We've heard a lot about your flirtatious nature, and we've also heard about how much you love your wife and would never compromise your marriage. Now we know that you're a better actor than anyone thought. Next time you decide to give a woman your phone number, make sure she doesn't work for a major newspaper.  

Jessica Simpson is reportedly inconsolable after conveniently losing an "irreplaceable" diamond ring. Jeepers, do you think this could possibly be a ploy to construct a reason for her lack of wedding ring?  

In other denial news, bubbly blonde Jessica Simpson and her "rock" "star" hubby Nick Lachey are putting the kibosh on divorce rumors.