We have to preface this post with a little blogger love: We adore Egotastic! We want it to be our internet boyfriend and make sweet, sweet bloggy love to it, keyboard to keyboard. But today we're going to have to get all, "Do I look fat in these jeans? How dare you! I can't believe you said that. Well, if you don't love my fat ass then you must not love me!" Because we've got a difference of opinion here. That is most definitely not Natalie Portman's nipple. And we know from nipples. So tuck that boner back inside your Boba Fett costume and wait another couple years for your holy nipple grail, cause this ain't it.  

It's that time again, kids. Not quite as glitzy as Sundance (and with far fewer gift bags being horded by your Tara Reids and your Pam Andersons) but not quite as respected or, well, foreign as Cannes, it's The Toronto Film Festival. And what it lacks in celebrity swag seekers and high-profile filmic attendees it makes up for with boobs. Lots and lots of boobs. So sit back and let us tell you a little story about the brave actresses who went north of our border to show off what's north of their borders.  

In this entry, we use Natalie Portman and Kate Bosworth as bait and promise you that if you place your mouse over that little arrow next to the word "more", you will be rewarded with views of Natalie bearing stiff papillae mammae, and Kate flipping nip out over her top. But then you remember that you've been burned before. You've clicked on other websites' links before, links emblazoned with lip-licking ladies promising that if you just press that little right-hand button, you'll see Britney, hardcore, like you've never seen her before. And then, nothing but a pornado of XXX ads and a busted browser. Friend, we would not do that to you. We wouldn't let you down. We are the nip-givers. And like Charlie Brown going after that football held by Lucy, you hold your breath and click again.  

• Christie Brinkley's husband says sorry. "Sorry! Sorry for having sexy sex with a teenager. Seriously, sorry about that. My b."

• David Hasselhoff as Captain Hook in a London production of Peter Pan? Those are some pretty gay big shoes to fill. Only one man can replace The Hoff, and that's The Fonz. Ayyyyy.

• Paparazzi, please stop taking photographs of Natalie Portman. Or she will make her hair look like Annette Bening's circa 1989 and then waggle a hand at you in a vaguely threatening manner.

• Britney's little sister, Sean P Federline, and a turd on a stick. You heard us.

• I've had it with these motherfucking Mo'Niques on this motherfucking plane!

• Seacrest out? No. Lance Bass out? HELL YES! You go, girlfriend!

• Agent Scully is preggo . . . by an alien! No, by a businessman. Whatever.

• Carmen Electra, former wife of Dennis Rodman and newly split from Dave Navarro, was seen on a date with Jamie Foxx. Well, you know the old saying: once you go black, you go back once and then a few years later you look in the mirror and say "I'm married to a guy who still wears eyeliner and feather boas in 2006" and THEN you vow to never go back. Or something.

• Did Fergie get dumped? Get dumped get dumped get dumped? Check it out.
 

You know how everybody (everbody = "the internet") is agape and adrool over Natalie Portman finally appearing completely naked in a movie? We regret having to inform you that it's all smoke and mirrors, and you will not be ogling her handsomest pieces. This kind of teasing is like being stroked with a jasmine-scented mink glove, then promptly stabbed in the boner with an icicle.  

• K-Fed is all, "Yo, remember when I did PopoZao? Yo, I was just funnin' y'all. No, surriously. When my REAL shit drops, y'all are gonna go nuts. No, really. PopoZao: just a big ha-ha. I meant to do that. Yo. Yo."

• BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!

• "Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.

• Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!

• Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.

• Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.

• Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.

• Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.

• Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."  

All gossip stories about Natalie Portman go a little like this: Natalie is cast in a movie. Natalie shoots movie. Person on movie set reports that Natalie is naked in movie. Hearts and penii swell. Movie comes out. Natalie is not naked. Boners wilt. Tears are shed. Natalie Portman effigies are burned. Grown men turn into weeping goth cutters. Fecund earth dries up. Day turns to night. Famine, natural disasters, war. Then Natalie is cast in another movie, and the cycle begins anew.  

After being seen together in New York over the weekend looking very couple like, the rumors are flying that Natalie Portman and Jake Gyllenhaal were, like, holding hands and smooching and soooo close to really making babies, I mean seriously, they are so going to prom together.  

• Rosie O'Donnell challenges Naomi Campbell to a cage match, saying, "I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass." Normally, our money would be on Rosie, but we hear Naomi has custom-made bedazzled boxing gloves in the shape of hand-held communication devices, so . . .

• Natalie Portman: she's Harvard-educated, speaks four languages, acts, dances, saves Jason Bateman's puppy from certain death. Basically, she's like Jesus. Jesus in a thong.

• Well, hey there, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace. You go, girl, with your big ole cleavage and your flashing of an actor dressed like a cop and all that. You go, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace.

• The fat kid from Stand By Me is engaged to Pepper Dennis.

• Oh, that Paris Hilton! What a scamp! Her thrush-encrusted acid tongue is at it again. She says that former BFF Nicole Richie "cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her", and that "she has nothing else so she really wants to do [The Simple Life] but I don't. It's really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she's obviously not enough," and that Nicole is simply jealous and fame-hungry. Special emphasis on "hungry".

• Lindsay Lohan admits to dabbling in Kabbalah, saying, "All of us need something. You have to grab on to whatever gets you through." It's definitely pretty easy to grab a pretty red string when it's on your wrist. You know what else is easy to grab onto? Boobs. Big boobs.

• Kate Beckinsale is said to be the forerunner in the race to be cast as Wonder Woman. Her Halloween costume really gave her a leg up on the competition. Does that mean that Lindsay Lohan will soon be cast as a firefighting junkie stripper?

• Tom Cruise has a pacifier custom-made for Katie Holmes as an aid to shut her the hell up during delivery. And CelebNewsWire has an adult diaper made for Tom, because we hate his crazy ass.  

Natalie Portman will not whore herself out to Hollywood just to make a couple of bucks. She only does films based on their artistic merit. So we're guessing she's blocked out the time she spent filming that movie where she gives birth in a Wal-Mart. Yeah, we can't really blame her.  

• Jennifer Aniston is moving to Chicago. We can't wait to run into her in the health and beauty aisle at Jewel!

• Piper Perabo lowers herself to date former pill-popper/Friends friend Matthew Perry. Move over TomKat and Brangelina, here's . . . Pipthew Perrybo?

• Our #1 deity, Mariah Carey, teams up with Snoop, shoots a video, mounts a mesa of Vuitton luggage, wears very little clothing.

• Salma Hayek chortles when confronted with Colin Farrell's weenis. Understandable.

• Portman pokies, redux!

• If your daughter were Tori Spelling, wouldn't you sue her too? Just for fun?

• K-Fed hates the Pavarotti, loves his kids and wife, raps about it in hot new tune on MySpace. This one's for the haters. Fuck the media.

• Pink's special surprise for her husband is reportedly a "12ft pole to be erected in her dressing room". But the bigger surprise is that said pole is being erected in her pants! Because she's a man, see.

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is about to undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition". Lip reduction? Eyeliner tattoos? Scarfectomy?  

Director Mike Nichols has reportedly burned the nude scenes of Natalie Portman that he cut from his movie Closer. Like a thousand foghorns comes the anguished shout of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" from Star Wars nerds across the planet.  

• Lil' Kim's leaky-ass fake yams need stop in the pit to be oiled, lubed, and rotated.

• Lindsay Lohan's Long Island ho buddies post pictures of the teen queen flipping the bird, boozing it up, hanging with Moss, making the international symbol for cunnilingus, and posing next to a bong and possibly a chopped-up coke line. Damn you again, MySpace!

• Slightly older pictures, but Natalie Portman nippage is forever newsworthy, do you not agree?

• Person you've never heard of likens Keira Knightley's torso to "two aspirins on an ironing board". We love the English! That almost beats Noel Gallagher's "Zorro on doughnuts" simile of yore. Almost.

• Said aspirin are in talks to hawk warpaint for Chanel.

• Does Tom Hanks make Fergie look more feminine, or is it the other way around?

• Dreamgirls producers are terrified that Beyonce's ass will bust through costumes, Kool-Aid Man style. Ohhhh yeaaaaah!  

Are you completely out of touch with the world? Are you still clinging to a stained and torn copy of 1987's JCPenney catalog, the lingerie section of which you have completely devoted to memory? Do you need new meat for your masturbatory fantasies? Ask Men is here for you, Mr. Stuck in the '80s Man, and has helpfully compiled a list of the 99 women you should most want to have sex with. And, no, the 17-year-old girl who works at KFC who kind of looks like your hot cousin isn't on it, you sick freak.  

We Chicagoans like to complain a lot. Our sports teams suck, winter lasts about nine months, and the wind is constantly messing up our hair. But at last we have something that the rest of you don’t: The first (and possibly only) U.S. screening of the highly anticipated and probably boob-filled film Havoc will happen at the 41st Chicago International Film Festival. Suck on that, Cleveland.  

Honk honk! Toot toot! Hey, that's not the sweet sound of flatulence, that's the sound of party favors! What's the occasion, you ask? Well, this entry that you're reading, right here? This is our seven hundred and fourth post here at CNW. We know, right? It seems like just yesterday we were on our four hundred and eighty-ninth. At any rate, we're celebrating by giving you, the readers, a story about the one thing you like above all others. No, not Dippin' Dots. Lesbians.  

• Natalie Portman: Last of the Mohicans.

• Dear Russell Crowe: PLEASE PUNCH US. WE NEED THE CASH.

• Scar-Jo and Josh Hartnett (Jo-Ho?) move in together! Eh, it's destined to fail. "Scarlett Hartnett" just sounds so douchey.

• Fleck's million-pound pits.

• Annie Hall is porking Ted "Theodore" Logan.

• Ohhhh, when Keef says Mick has a laughably tiny weenis, that's supposed to be a compliment. We see, we see.

• Does a rapper sire twelve billion babies and have two wives? Mos Def!

 

Recent Golden Globe winner Natalie Portman is delighted to report that after years of being a lust object to middle-aged creepazoids, she now has a nice fan base of 4th graders, who view her innocently, like a "bar of chocolate". Natalie has obviously not heard The Legend of Marianne Faithfull Vs. The Mars Bar.  

Not content with mere caps of the comely cutie in her stripperly turn in Closer? Desperate to see her palpitating her pieces-parts in glorious moving pictures? Read on.  

Natalie Portman plays a stripper in Mike Nichols's new movie, Closer. She filmed some nude scenes. Said nude scenes will surely appear on the internet, to the ogling delight of cybernerds everywhere. And you know what? Natalie's OK with that.