• Angelina and Brad are reportedly adopting an Indian baby as we speak. Because African babies are soooo early-to-mid October 2k6.

• Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this mortal world, will someone, anyone, shoot a tranq dart into Naomi Campbell's neck?

• Rush Limbaugh accuses Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his symptoms in a political ad, saying, "He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act." Seriously, dude! And remember when Christopher Reeve was tooling around in a wheelchair with a trach tube? Also totally all an act. Fucker was just lazy and tired of walking and breathing. Some Superman!

• DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, has moved on from Nicole Richie to nice Jewish girl Michelle Trachtenberg. His bubby is so pleased.

• For the reasonable price of $100,000, Paris Hilton will come to your New Year's Eve party 3 hours late, sit in a corner and text furiously on her Sidekick for 20 minutes, perhaps flash an assflap or two, then leave.

• Sandra Bullock had sexual intercourse on Sunday night.

• Federline the Younger is actually named Jayden James. SPF squared, we hardly knew ye.

• Tara Reid said that her nipples "looked like goose-shaped eggs". Not goose eggs. Eggs, shaped like geese. Nipples like thin shells with webbed feet and beaks and wings holding albumen and yolk. Yup. That's what Tara Reid's nipples looked like.  

According to imdb.com, Hurricane Naomi Campbell has struck yet again, causing a staggering $54,000 worth of damage to her boyfriend's yacht after she had one of her patented conniption hemmorages. We don't know how to tell you this, but . . . kids, we think it's time we put Naomi Campbell down. We know, sweeties, we know, you love your Naomi Campbell and you've had a lot of good times with her. She's been a loyal companion, waiting for you to get off the bus after school, sleeping at the foot of your beds, chasing her Kong around backstage at Yves Saint Laurent. But sweeties, Naomi Campbell hasn't been right for a very long time, and remember when that nice policeman came to our door the other day? Well, it's just best Naomi Campbell go to sleep for a very, very long time so she can't hurt herself or anybody in the community again.  

• Nicole Richie and DJ AM have officially broken up. Apparently, he's disgusted by Nicole's extreme weight loss method of not eating, while he lost over a hundred pounds the old fashioned way: by having a team of doctors reduce his stomach to the size of a butterbean, then saw off all his excess skin with scalpels.

• Ryan Seacrest pulls a Heather Chandler.

• Naomi Campbell "keeps new man quiet". By beating his larynx clean out of his throat with a Sidekick.

• Beginning our special cleavage (un)coverage from Cannes: Halle Berry's berries!

• Up next: Elizabeth Hurley, trotting out her old girls!

• And finally, Alyssa Milano's Micelli mams! A stupendous showing! Props to all!

• Michelle Rodriguez is heading back to jail. Must be a dream come true for her.

• Michelle Williams's dad was jailed for tax evasion. Maybe he and Lindsay Lohan's father can break out the jug and harmonica and form a prison band.

• Penn Jillette and wife name newborn son Zolten, because they want him to grow up to tell fortunes.

• Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell names her newborn daughter Bluebell Madonna, because she wants her to be a magical pet rabbit that strips.  

• Rosie O'Donnell challenges Naomi Campbell to a cage match, saying, "I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass." Normally, our money would be on Rosie, but we hear Naomi has custom-made bedazzled boxing gloves in the shape of hand-held communication devices, so . . .

• Natalie Portman: she's Harvard-educated, speaks four languages, acts, dances, saves Jason Bateman's puppy from certain death. Basically, she's like Jesus. Jesus in a thong.

• Well, hey there, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace. You go, girl, with your big ole cleavage and your flashing of an actor dressed like a cop and all that. You go, Megan Mullally of TV's Will & Grace.

• The fat kid from Stand By Me is engaged to Pepper Dennis.

• Oh, that Paris Hilton! What a scamp! Her thrush-encrusted acid tongue is at it again. She says that former BFF Nicole Richie "cannot stand being around me because I get all the attention and people really don't care about her", and that "she has nothing else so she really wants to do [The Simple Life] but I don't. It's really pathetic that she needs to use my name to sell something because she's obviously not enough," and that Nicole is simply jealous and fame-hungry. Special emphasis on "hungry".

• Lindsay Lohan admits to dabbling in Kabbalah, saying, "All of us need something. You have to grab on to whatever gets you through." It's definitely pretty easy to grab a pretty red string when it's on your wrist. You know what else is easy to grab onto? Boobs. Big boobs.

• Kate Beckinsale is said to be the forerunner in the race to be cast as Wonder Woman. Her Halloween costume really gave her a leg up on the competition. Does that mean that Lindsay Lohan will soon be cast as a firefighting junkie stripper?

• Tom Cruise has a pacifier custom-made for Katie Holmes as an aid to shut her the hell up during delivery. And CelebNewsWire has an adult diaper made for Tom, because we hate his crazy ass.  

When was the last time you gave a passing thought to Naomi Campbell? That time that she threw a phone at someone? Or that other time she threw a phone at someone? Or when Russell Crowe threw a phone at someone did you stop and think of her? See, the problem with Naomi Campbell is that she takes out her aggression on the un-famous. We don't really care about her scratching her personal assistant's corneas with a diamond ring or stuffing dirty gym socks down her throat because we just can't visualize it. We like our Naomi Campbell assault victims to have a face. Like Nicole Richie.  

We haven’t mentioned Kate Moss or any sort of fluffy white substance for almost a week now, so we should get around to that. Poor coked-up Kate has lost myriad modeling contracts (Because fashion houses expect their models to stay skeletal on a diet of celery sticks and Camel Lights?), is reportedly spending a little time in the land of Courtney Love (a.k.a. rehab), and is even being publicly defended by Naomi Campbell. And this must truly be a milestone, as we think this is the first time we have ever mentioned Naomi Campbell and not had to say that she threw some shit at someone.  

• Gwen Stefani sees herself as a "dorky fat kid". That's funny, because we see her as a creepy transvestite who keeps Japanese girls as pets.

• Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary and weed.

• Naomi Campbell blah blah blah new catfight blah blah punching slapping blah zzzzzzzzzz.

• Johnny Knoxville has something in common with Mick Jagger. And it's not 30 illegitmate children or highly kissable lips!

• Victoria Posh Spice says she does, in fact, read books. They're just children's books, is all.

• Nick and Jessica can barely fake it anymore.

• It's kind of a crude, low budget Midwestern version of Gawker Stalker, but we have our first celebrity sighting: a snitchy spy wrote us and said that they spotted Dwight Yoakam at the White Stripes/Greenhornes show in Chicago last night, and that Yoakam was "hanging around the Greenhornes' dressing room for a good hour, calling the band 'my Ohio boys' and eating their Fritos and dip". If you see Yoakam (or, like, Angelina Jolie, or Marilyn McCoo even) at their show tonight, let us know: tips@celebnewswire.com.  

Yeah, so Naomi Campbell attacked someone last night. Again. We know, we know, big whoop, right? Well, this time she's not cuffing the help; she's pummeling a friend. Can't fault the girl for wanting to mix it up a little.  

You'd think that by now people would realize that "Naomi Cambpell's personal assistant" is only one or two rungs on the career ladder above "human toilet" and "mousetrap tester". And you'd think that by now these assistants would realize that when Naomi is angry and holding a communication device, they should duck and cover. You'd think.  

In a Primetime Live interview, tyrant Naomi Campbell admits to Diane Sawyer that she did coke for years. Wait, hold up. Naomi Campbell did coke? Naomi Campbell? Are we talking about the same Naomi Campbell, the one who regularly beats the shit out of her assistants in a blind, foaming-at-the-mouth rage? Pshaw, next you'll be telling us that Lindsay Lohan drinks alcoholic beverages or something.  

What an upset! We thought Naomi would be the one to dump indoor-sunglasses-wearing Usher, but he beat her to the punch and dropped her for being "boring". Apparently, mauling one's personal assistants and creating big hoo-hahs at restaurants just aren't exciting enough to keep Usher interested. Naomi then struck back with the old "Nip slips are the best revenge."  

Was it the assistant-beating? The restaurant wig-out? Is Usher "having a baby with a woman he barely even knows"? Or did he finally figure out that Naomi's certifiably cuckoo bananas? Whatever the reason, the snitty supermodel and the man who looks like a peanut M&M are on the rocks.  

You know, when you're being sued for smacking the crap out of your third personal assistant, it would be wise to keep a low profile and play the part of the calm, demure, self-contained supermodel. But this is Naomi Campbell we're talking about, and as she throws a snit fit in a London restaurant, she drags singer/Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lookalike Usher into the fray.  

Yes, gentle reader, yet another one of Naomi Campbell's personal assistants is seeking legal action after the supermodel beat the living crap out of her. There is a simple lesson to be learned here, which is do not get a job as Naomi Campbell's personal assistant.