Mischa Barton, sad over her waning career and slovenly unwashed paramour, cries and cries and demands an engagement ring and threatens to kill herself and take her poor dog with her. We're not sure what's more disturbing: Puppy murder or thinking Cisco Adler makes an ideal life mate.  

Picture it. Hollywood. March 2006. Reese and Ryan are still the picture of connubial bliss, Jayden James Sutton Pierce Federspears is but a genderless flutter in Britney's womb, and we are the first people to report that Mischa Barton had a nude scene in the upcoming comedy The OH in Ohio. But now it is November, Reese and Ryan are through, Britney is freed, and as the first caps from Ohio make their way onto the internets, it turns out that Mischa might not be naked after all. All the leaves are brown. And the sky is gray.  

I am SO stoked that I got to see my boyfriend's band tonight! They covered "Here I Go Again" and "Pour Some Sugar on Me," which are, like, my two favorite songs in the whole world. And my boyfriend, he is SO HOT. I'm so glad he didn't get convicted on that possession charge. Or that statutory rape charge. Cause he so didn't do it. Well, he had drugs, but he was just holding them for his brother, so that wouldn't have been fair to go to jail for that. And that girl he had sex with TOLD him she was eighteen, so that's not his fault either. But that's all over now, anyway. Cause I know how to hide my weed AND I'm over eighteen. And I totally love his band. They are better than WASP. And my boyfriend is totally getting lucky tonight. He has this sweet IROC-Z, and all the seats are covered in velvet. It is so classy. And doing it in the backseat is even classier.  

• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

• Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

• Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

• Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

• Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

• Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.  

Gawd, Mischa, you're such an ass.

 

Mischa Barton's nothin' but a cracker.
You heard us.

After the cut: hold your breath, stuff your hair into a cap covered in plastic novelty flowers, and take the Nestea plunge deep into the musky cleft between Mischa's cheeks.  

• George Michael says, "I don't have a drug problem!" Aside from being arrested after falling asleep in his car at an intersection. For the second time. In eight months.

• Avril Lavigne apologizes for hawking loogs on the Pavarotti, stating that she'd never spit on her fans. No, she'll just flip them off and cuss them out.

• Well, Jordan's obviously got her cell phone on "vibrate".

• There's another warrant out for Bobby Brown's arrest--he owes two months' worth of back child support, totalling $11,000. Oh please, they can't expect Bobby Brown to scrape up that kinda scratch these days.

• Mischa Barton's shirt says "Drop knowledge, not bombs". But what she's really dropping is a big ole doo log of an outfit.

• Carmen Electra poses for some nice "F U, Dave" shots.

• The "Marie Antoinette Association" of France are hopping mad about Kirsten Dunst's portrayal of the queen in Sofia Coppola's new film, helpfully titled Marie Antoinette. A spokesperson for the association hisses, "I've seen the trailer for the film on the internet. It is a fright. We've spent years trying to convince people that the queen was not just a libertine who told the starving to eat cake. What do you see on the trailer? You see Marie Antoinette eating cake. You see her lying naked on a chaise longue. I fear the film is going to set us back many years." God, just think of all the advancements these people have made by dressing up in powdered wigs and sending out mimeographed newsletters . . . down the drain! All those hours spent planning historical reenactment dinners--wasted! And just wait until people see the movie and actually believe that Marie Antoinette was a fang-toothed California blonde who listened to New Order! It'll be anarchy! Civil war! Innocents will be slaughtered! Pestilence will sweep the land! Sacre bleu!  

Not content with offending Thursday-night Fox viewers with her acting skills, Mischa Barton has turned to outraging British royals. What did she do, show them a picture of her boyfriend?  

Our gal Mischa might be playing it demure in a modest purple frock lousy with straps and ribbons and bows that cover up her special girl parts:

But the silver stacked-heel shoes are haunted by the ghost of the stripper from whom she stole them. "Mischaaaaaa," they whisper ghostishly, "Remove that double stick tapppppe. Hunch your shoulderrrrrs together and bend forwaaaarrrd. I implorrrrrrre you to slip niiiiiiiip."  

Lest you think Mischa Barton's recent admonishment of her mother ("You're so [bleeping] retarded!") was a one-off display of bitchiness due to late-day Bucky's withdrawal, rest assured--you have looked into the soul of Mischa Barton, and it's littered with expletives and anus jokes.  

• Jessica Simpson has lost the part of Lucy Ewing in the upcoming Dallas movie because movie bosses are concerned she'd out-diva the biggest diva on the set, John Travolta. Oooops, we meant to say Jennifer Lopez. Did we really say "John Travolta"? How silly of us.

• So who ended up winning that coveted Lucy Ewing role? Katie Cassidy, daughter of Partridge Family teen dreamboat David. Pictures here. "Rock Heiress". That's funny.

• Mischa Barton on the beach, in a bikini. New! Improved! Now with 100% less Nicole Richie!

• Gwyneth Paltrow is "cutting" some "hot tracks" in the studio, possibly for an album. Nothing could ever top the bunny-soft, bun-numbing pap-rock track "Cruisin'" she recorded with Huey Lewis. Why bother?

• Star Jones: FIRED from The View! Barbara Walters: BETRAYED! Joy Behar: GLEEFUL! Al Reynolds: Gay as a garden party! Us: bored and hungry. You got any Pop Tarts or Li'l Hugs?

• Jessica Simpson's new video involves Christina Applegate, Christina Milian, Eva Longoria, a terry-cloth romper, and roller skates. Sweet, it's just like the Dire Straits "Skateaway" video, only with famous broads. Yayyyy!

• Britney: evil purple sea witch? Yes.

• Well, Kate Beckinsale and her husband certainly look very together, after all.

• Lindsay says, "I did not have sexual intercourse with . . . that man. Mr. McFly."

• Someone stop Sharon Stone before she adopts again!  

• Michelle Rodriguez is out of jail again, and she says, "I'm moving to France... People don't bother you there." Which we take to mean "The pigs don't hassle me when I kick back a carafe of red wine and then go for a spin in a Renault." Ooh la la!

• Thank you, Mira Sorvino, for giving your new son a normal name. Teach your Hollywood brethren, Mira Sorvino. Show them the way.

• No link here, but seriously: When was the last time we saw Britney and Kevin together? Just wondering.

• Robin Tunney is pretty. Robin Tunney has a nipple. Pretty Robin Tunney shows us her nipple.

• Christina Aguilera's husband, proboscis monkey Jordan Bratman, won't let his wife pose topless. What a brat, man.

• No, no, the old saying isn't "Mom, baseball, and apple pie." It's "baseball, braces, and Alyssa Milano's pokies."

• Mariah Carey: That tomato's got billion dollah pegs, I tells ya.

• Ben Affleck rushed to the hospital because of a headache. The rest of us rushed to the hospital because we just heard the name Ben Affleck.

• Mischa Barton calls her mother "retarded." Yeah, but who's the one who willingly had sexual congress with Brandon Davis? Huh? Huh??? Who's retarded now, Mischa? Who's retarded now????  

Good to see that even while festooned with bourgeois brick-a-brack--the designer teacup lap dog, the Louis Vuitton pet carrier, the Sidekick--Mischa keeps it street by busting out some plumber's butt. She's totally in our face!  

Just kidding. That's a puppy. Good to see Mischa cold kicking it untrimmed, wild and wooly.


If you click on the little icon that says "more", you will find yourself closer to the musky, cotton-covered tureen that lies between Mischa's thighs than you ever dreamed possible .  

• Matthew McConaughey beat some rape charges. Which is actually kind of easy to do when your accuser is a foaming-at-the-mouth loonybird who claims she turned down MM's proposal of marriage while they were studying Scientology and then he tried to kill her after knocking her out with drugged milk.

• Paris Hilton knows when to hold 'em and fold 'em, but not when to walk away or run, so much.

• Mischa Barton wears lacy white panties. Tell your friends.

• Ashlee Simpson ponies up a little areola. Her yams look pretty nice. It's a shame about the makeup, though.

• We know Lohan gives Spuds McKenzie a run for his money in the "original party animal" category, but the fact that the cast of a show that works under cover of night, fueled on various stimulants, had to stage an intervention is just sad.

• Mandy Moore's parents were holed up in her basement, playing World of Warcraft and smoking bongs, posting on Doctor Who message boards and refusing to get jobs, so she kicked their lard asses to the damn curb.

• But y'all ain't mad at her, because look how adorable and precious she is! Awwwww. Mannnnndyyyy.

• If Tony Parker hadn't come along and made an honest woman out of Eva Longoria, she would have been straddling tables at nightclubs, inserting a Jeff Stryker Cock n' Balls into her netherholes instead of just talking about it.

• K-Hole asked for (and got) an epidural while crapping out Suri Cruise. Brutal, hateful, extra-long auditing session TK.  

Mischa Barton. Naked. In a movie all about orgasms. Caught your attention, didn't we?  

Unclench your buttocks and slide back from the edge of your seats; Paris Hilton has released an official rebuttal to Mischa Barton's dis track, "Silly Bitch". Quoth the maven:

"I don't even know the girl. I could care less. It seems like she's the one trying to stir up a rivalry. I've never said a word about her in my life, but she seems to be spending a lot of time thinking about me."

Well, Paris, if you could care less, then why don'tcha? Huh? Huh? Huh????  

Biggie vs. Tupac. Jay-Z vs. Nas. 50 Cent vs. The Game. These dudes don't got nothing on the vitriol that can be spewed betwixt two highlighted, Chloe-clad starlets high on Clarins self-tanner and three straight weeks of nothing but grapefruit, watercress, and Correctol. Starlet wars are the new rap rivalries, and Mischa Barton has added a weighty log to the flaming war between herself and Paris Hilton by labeling the heiress a "silly bitch." We're on the edge of our seats waiting for a car carrying Nicky Hilton, Kimberly Stewart, and Stamos Nachos to roll up outside of Bungalow 8 and plug a few rounds into Mischa's ass. Or "azz", as it were.  

Of course you've seen Mischa Barton's boobs before. She's accidentally popped them out at the pool, on a movie set, and in primetime. But that doesn't mean that you won't totally get a boner when you see her in a see-through shirt. Because you will. And you'll like it.  

That Mischa Barton is one lucky girl. She's got a hit TV show, she's young and rich and gets invited to all the hot parties, and she has a boyfriend who can take a break from selling real estate from the back of a flat-bed truck to sing her a little song. If only we were all so lucky.  

• Kelly Osbourne thinks Paris Hilton inspires parents to dress their children like hookers. Would she rather the children of the world take fashion cues from her?


• Is Liz Hurley all knocked up again? Does anyone care?

• Nicky Hilton calls Mischa Barton a "fat pig". Huh. Maybe she meant "stuck pig"?

• Remember those Lisa Loeb thong shots we showed you yesterday? Of course you do. Well, now you can see those pictures move! It's called "the talkies", which translates to "motile ass".

• Jodie "Stephanie Tanner" Sweetin was a meth head, but she's since Cut! It! Out!

• Oh, speaking of thongs, flash leads to a see-through dress in Alyssa Milanoland.

• Egotastic!'s got the poop scoop on what's really going down betwixt Sienna Miller and Darth Vader. It's considerably less sexy than previously thought.

• Tyra Banks rocks the pit stubble. Fierce!!!

• Quote of the year: "If you're going to be raped in a movie, it may as well be Vincent Cassel." Oh, Jennifer Aniston, you are so terribly high-larious.

• Oh yeah, Oscar nominees.

• Tom Cruise's next potential film project will be a "contemporary romance". We have a good idea for a romantic film! Boy divorces girl, elders at boy's cult pay new girl to perpetrate like she's dating boy, boy jumps on furniture, cult elders impregnate girl with mythical animal-human hybrid, and . . . aw, never mind. Nobody would buy it.  

Dear YM:
Boy, do I have an embarrassing story to share! So, after my morning Buckys with whipped cream and Ex-lax, I headed to the gym for an intense workout. Man, that Jean-René really kicks my ass! Anyway, I hit the showers, then I pulled on my fave leggings and a T-shirt advertising my unemployed simian boyfriend's band. I checked my nose for boogers and my teeth for spinach, blew a kiss at my reflection and then headed out into the afternoon sun. As the hordes of paparazzi started snapping away, they suddenly shifted the focus of their cameras from my face to my special private area. I casually glanced down, and to my horror, I saw that . . .  

• Harrison Ford is old. In case you hadn't noticed.

• Keifer Sutherland: "I hate that ****ing Christmas tree. The tree HAS to come down. I'm smashing it - can I pay for it?"

• Brooke Shields her nipple from view. Just kidding, she totally doesn't.

• Stars shitmouth one another, so we don't have to!

• Mischa Barton is a midnight toker.

• OMG Angelina is preggo!!!!

• OMG Cammy Diaz is too!!!!!!

• Basic guide to Hollywood pregnancies: if you wear baggy clothes, you're pregnant. If you're photographed eating, you're pregnant ("Eating for two???"). If you or your partner gently places a hand on your stomach, you're pregnant. If you're bloated, you're pregnant. If you smile and or have anything remotely resembling a "glow", you're pregnant.

• Apparently there are some sort of Blog Awards and you should like totally nominate us for the category of your choice! If you do, we will send you a nickel. A shiny nickel.  

• Pink promises that for one day only, her wedding day, she will "be a girl". But after the ceremony is over, the dress and all its frilly, lacy trappings will come off, the foot-long silicone strap-on will come out, and Pink will bend her new husband over their marriage bed and show that little bitch who wears the pants.

• Heidi Klum probes her husband.

• Which one's cuter?: Mischa Barton with a kitty! Awww! Awwww! Awwwwwwwwww!

• 50 Cent will let his little boy mock murder people and watch porno, but cussing's where he draws the line.

• Lindsay Lo-ho and Keanu Reeves might be heading for a shack-up. One can only imagine the stimulating conversations these two have.

• Nip slip? Bah. Lip slip? Soooo two days ago. Rhona Mitra goes next level with an implant scar slip. Jealous, bitches?

• Sorry, boys! Elton John is officially off the market!

• The terrorists will never win when we have freedom on our side! Freedom, and Alyssa Milano's breast.  

Your sick, twisted daydreams of OC star Mischa Barton slightly altered, with Andersonian breasts the size of tetherballs will forever remain exactly that--daydreams. Because she ain't pumpin' those things up for nobody, no way, no how.  

Surely you are familiar with the name Mischa Barton. She's on that show that's like 90210 but not, and with better and more expensive clothes; she enjoys throwing lawn furniture into pools and pretending she's a lesbian. And if you like truly heinous music you may be familiar with her current paramour, Cisco Adler. He was once engaged to Kimberly Stewart, who sprang forth from the loins of Rod Stewart, some old dude that ladies in the '70s thought was sexy. But now Cisco is engaged to Mischa and Kimberly has ended her two-week engagement to some guy who's even less famous than Cisco.  

An eagle-eyed O.C. viewer has whipped out the binoculars and spotted one of the rarest of all nudity birds: the coveted primetime nip slip. Which means no one's allowed to complain about the shoddy content of this season's O.C. ever again.  

• Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.

• Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.

• Renée Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.

• Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.

• Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".

• Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.

• Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!

 

Wearing a very very very abbreviated skirt with no underwear is something, like nipple scars and blavod breath, that we've just come to expect from Tara Reid. But Mischa Barton busting out a boob? Frankly, we expected more. No, no, Mischa, we're not going to ground you. We're just, you know, very disappointed in you. We thought you had better judgment. Listen, we're not going to tell your father about this, OK?  

• Anorexia, asthma, crummy tonsils, kidney problems, throat cysts, childhood OCD. It's a wonder Jessica Alba lived past puberty.

• Osama Bin Laden: valiantly trying to wipe out America's population of electroclash holdovers.

• Kate Moss loses 120 lbs. of ugly, useless flesh; possibly picks up a Jackass.

• Nicole Kidman plans to take a year or two off acting. We suspect that when she returns, she'll have mysteriously taken more than a year or two off her looks.

• Two impossibly good-looking WB stars' three-month old marriage on the rocks? If Sophia Bush and Chad Michael Murray can't make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us?

• The diabolical Mischa Barton plays the TomKat game.

• Brittany Murphy proves that nothing sells jeans quite like a lack of jeans.