You guys know about Shark Week, right? It's the week of nonstop Discovery Channel programming all about the vicious, sharp-toothed, slippery killers lurking under the sea. Children and frat boys alike look forward to Shark Week like it was Christmas. Here at CNW it seems that we are unwittingly experiencing our own version of Shark Week. We call it Lesbian Week. First the (false) rumor that Eva Longoria and Beyoncé would be doing the coot-scootin' boogie in a movie, and now that possibly very real rumor that actresses Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez are embroiled in a lesberado romance. If this were shark week, you'd be donning shark-fin hats and noshing on Goldfish crackers. Since this is Lesbian Week, you should put on your vagina hats and snack on . . . uh . . . vaginas.  

The explanation is as simple as it is innocent: John Travolta leans in to helpfully and selflessly suck out the thetans his intergalactic man-friend contracted after being dispatched to planet Earth on a top secret Scientological specimen-gathering mission.



Michelle Rodriguez, inspired by her gal-pal's novelty T-shirt, is about to heed its advice, take the lady home, and polish her breasts. With her face.

(Please don't stab us, Michelle.)  

• Heidi Klum impregnated by Seal; expecting another flipper baby.

• Posh Spice to become godmother to Ginger Spice's baby daughter, Bluebell Spice. That's nice. When Bluebell needs advice on bulimia, tanning beds, and how to be a good trophy wife, she'll have a wealth of information at her fingertips.

• Yet MORE Toni Braxton nipples. You can put those things away now, honey.

• Nicole Kidman sends a case of beer to the paparazzi. We assume the reason for this was so that they wouldn't notice that her face has been freshly pulled, drawn up and over the back of her skull, and tacked into place for her upcoming nuptials.

• Robert Evans divorcing. Seventh time ain't the charm, apparently.

• Tera Patrick pics from FHM magazine. Which must stand for Fricking Humpable Mams.

• SNL's Andy Samberg gets Dunsted!

• Jen Love Hewitt's hugetits strapped in by nothing but a flimsy . . . Yoko Ono shirt?

• Michelle Rodriguez dreams of a relationship with Colin Farrell, but sadly, it can never be. Because he's not a girl.  

• Michelle Rodriguez is out of jail again, and she says, "I'm moving to France... People don't bother you there." Which we take to mean "The pigs don't hassle me when I kick back a carafe of red wine and then go for a spin in a Renault." Ooh la la!

• Thank you, Mira Sorvino, for giving your new son a normal name. Teach your Hollywood brethren, Mira Sorvino. Show them the way.

• No link here, but seriously: When was the last time we saw Britney and Kevin together? Just wondering.

• Robin Tunney is pretty. Robin Tunney has a nipple. Pretty Robin Tunney shows us her nipple.

• Christina Aguilera's husband, proboscis monkey Jordan Bratman, won't let his wife pose topless. What a brat, man.

• No, no, the old saying isn't "Mom, baseball, and apple pie." It's "baseball, braces, and Alyssa Milano's pokies."

• Mariah Carey: That tomato's got billion dollah pegs, I tells ya.

• Ben Affleck rushed to the hospital because of a headache. The rest of us rushed to the hospital because we just heard the name Ben Affleck.

• Mischa Barton calls her mother "retarded." Yeah, but who's the one who willingly had sexual congress with Brandon Davis? Huh? Huh??? Who's retarded now, Mischa? Who's retarded now????  

• Nicole Richie and DJ AM have officially broken up. Apparently, he's disgusted by Nicole's extreme weight loss method of not eating, while he lost over a hundred pounds the old fashioned way: by having a team of doctors reduce his stomach to the size of a butterbean, then saw off all his excess skin with scalpels.

• Ryan Seacrest pulls a Heather Chandler.

• Naomi Campbell "keeps new man quiet". By beating his larynx clean out of his throat with a Sidekick.

• Beginning our special cleavage (un)coverage from Cannes: Halle Berry's berries!

• Up next: Elizabeth Hurley, trotting out her old girls!

• And finally, Alyssa Milano's Micelli mams! A stupendous showing! Props to all!

• Michelle Rodriguez is heading back to jail. Must be a dream come true for her.

• Michelle Williams's dad was jailed for tax evasion. Maybe he and Lindsay Lohan's father can break out the jug and harmonica and form a prison band.

• Penn Jillette and wife name newborn son Zolten, because they want him to grow up to tell fortunes.

• Geri "Ginger Spice" Halliwell names her newborn daughter Bluebell Madonna, because she wants her to be a magical pet rabbit that strips.  

She may have gotten killed off on Lost, but weep not for Michelle Rodriguez. She allegedly had an "amazing experience" in jail. The same sort of "amazing experience" thousands of fresh-faced teenage girls enjoy during the second semester of their freshman year at Simmons, to be sure.  

• The highly downloadable Cindy Margolis will be posing for Playboy. She's the spokeswoman for the National Infertility Association. God, that makes us feel horny.

• Paris Hilton: attacked by evil flying car!

• American Idol contestant Katharine McPhee almost McPhlashed some McPhurburger on national TV last night. And she would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky panties!

• Jordan shows us what she's famous for. And we ain't talkin' acting chops, writing style, or mellifluous singing voice. NSFW, natch.

• More Gong for your dong! Asian skinsation Gong Li gives us a reason to see the upcoming Miami Vice movie.

• When presented with the choice of doing time in the pen or being nurturing and contributing kindly to society via a little community service, Michelle Rodriguez said "fuck that" and picked jail. Because she's an asswipe. An asswipe who loooooves incarcerated poontang.

• Ashlee Simpson says that she's taller than sister Jessica and her legs are longer, although her jugs aren't as udderly colossal. It's a draw.

• Kevin Costner settles with the woman who accuses him of stroking his weiner in front of her. He is not Untouchable after all.  

You know what men seem to like? Lesbians. You know what else men like? Pretty lesbians. So when a pretty lady turns out to be a pretty lesbian, we're more than happy to write one of these thingies right here that you're reading and tell you all about the pretty pretty pretty famous lesbian lady, like Bloodrayne's Kristanna Loken.  

Grab onto our trembling paws and take a quantum leap to another dimension; a dimension where famous maidens cavort in bikinis or in nothing. A land where Eva Longoria's cheeks wink slyly out of bikini bottoms and Michelle Rodriguez's boobs live together in perfect harmony with Demi Moore's pubic fur.