Michael Jackson has been lying low since his whole pee-pee-touching trial ending in his favor. He's been hanging out with Prince Michael and Blanket and the other one (she's a girl, so she's pretty invisible in the MJ household) in Bulgaria or Bahrain or something. But he's sick of that and wants to get back in the business of bringing joy to children. With leprechauns and roller coasters. And we don't think that either of those is a euphemism for his barber pole.  

• Nicole Richie (version Fat.0) with plump rump ripe on the runway. Ah, those halcyon days of youth.

• Super kookynuts rumor of the day: Paris Hilton is set to dip her ring finger in the cheesy, Uncle Jesse style goodness of Stamos Nachos and become his lawfully wedded tortilla chip.

• Not only can 90210 "actress" Tori Spelling make disgusted faces and make David Silver get a boner, she can also make a baby! Yaaaay!

• After getting arrested for posession of crack yesterday, Kate Moss squire of yore Pete Doherty claims she left him for good because he's packing a wee weiner.

• While Enrique Iglesias claims that the rumors of his own lack of girth have been greatly exaggerated.

• She says Jacko's not the one, no, the kid is not his son.

• Yet ANOTHER reason to hate Fergie.

• Keeping with the Halloween spirit, Tom and Katie are set to wed on October 21rst.

• After the three Magi heard King Herod, they went on their way, and the star they had seen in the east went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. On coming to the Malibu house with the tricked-out pink Hummer out front, they saw the child with his mother Britney, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented Sean Preston with gifts of woobies and of binkies and of myrrh. Merry X-mas, y'all!

 

• Paris Hilton believed in Santa Claus until she was seventeen years old. Oh, how the tears must have flowed when she found out that it was actually her parents enjoying the milk and cookies and VD she'd been leaving out for Kris Kringle all those years.

• In addition to being a pedophile with a candy-striped dingdongulus, Michael Jackson is an anti-Semitic a-hole. Way to endear yourself to a sizeable chunk of your fan base. And the majority of the recording industry.

• Cindy Crawford says, "Listen, bitches. I've been at this whole 'posing wet and half naked with my mouth seductively parted' racket for over fifteen years now. Step aside, and let me show you galumphing elephants how it's done. Amateur hour is over, whores."

• Tommy Lee is such a damn cigarette fiend that he considered hiring a private jet to fly him to Jack Osbourne's birthday party, so he could smoke on the plane. Also, he hates airport security because his wallet chain sets off alarms. Poor Tommy, seemingly unaware that a wallet is not a part of the body, and a wallet chain is not an unremoveable piercing.

• Christina Aguilera dons the best in 1987 wedding gear. Mazel tov to the newlyweds!

• Charlize Theron in a bikini, just because.

• They're on! They're off! They're on again! They're fucking the nanny! Fucking Bond! Fighting! Crying! Breaking up! Together again! Listen, Jude and Sienna. Pick something and stick with it. Either get married, or set each other on fire. Just shit or get off the pot, please.

• Little Sean Preston Federspears makes his official pictorial debut in People magazine. He's got his father's looks. Hopefully he has his mother's brain. Er, maybe we mean father's brain. No, not that either. Shit, that kid is screwed.

 

After Michael Jackson was, uh, aquitted on those pesky boy-touching charges, he scurried off to Bahrain, presumably to hide out and recover. Apparently, he's been doing more than that--he's been working out and butching up in a bid to revive his image. Sez author Michael C. Luckman: "Michael Jackson is headed to the stratosphere. Nothing can stop him now."

Nothing except the second coming of JTT. Which, like the Rapture, we've been waiting for for eons.  

• We've been warning you for weeks now, but the day is upon us: the ill-famed Tom Sizemore sex tape is now available for your online perusal. It's here, it's real. Live it, love it, own it.

• Are Sienna and Jude finito for good? Reportedly, she's told him to take his little kitty dick and shove it. Forever.

• Crepey, arthritic, doddering geezers take note: yes, you have a shot with Jessica Alba!

• Yesterday, we were told that Eminem was cancelling his tour due to Exhaustion. Which means "drugs" or "eating disorder". Today, the former is confirmed.

• The first time Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell had sex, it was an alarming experience. Alarming! Guffaw!

• Are you there, Miss Cleo? It's me, Jennifer Aniston.

• Listen, we know Coq Rock. Coq Rock was a friend of ours. Slipknot, you're no Coq Rock.

• For the aging celebrity pedophile who has everything: a detachable nose.

 

Now that his identity has been cruelly co-opted by Johnny Depp, Michael Jackson plans to flee to Germany. This year’s Cub Scout Jamboree will be filled with joy and relief (at least until that creepy counselor who makes the boys call him Uncle Randy shows up).  

If you’re anything like us, you spent Monday afternoon watching the dove lady and her like-minded Thriller aficionados crying and rejoicing over Michael Jackson’s freedom while you yourself wondered how someone who admitted to sharing his bed with the entire male fanbase of SpongeBob SquarePants could be believed not to have touched their dingly-danglies. Why, it was all thanks to Kabbalah, of course!  

From MSNBC:


Yeah. That's, uh . . . that's probably a pretty good idea.  

According to taped phone calls released in the Michael Jackson trial yesterday, MJ remained an unplucked, shiny, new cherry until age 32, despite his deep desire to join giblets with girls. Because, God knows, if there's any kind of guy that finds it impossible to get laid, it's a multibillionaire superstar musician. Seriously, though. Come on, Michael. Even the roadie for the Bad English cover band at my high school got chicks.  

There's been a lot of talk lately about Britney Spears's interview in the latest issue of Allure magazine, what with her being topless on the cover and admitting that "being married sucks," but it seems that until yesterday everyone had ignored the sage advice that Britney provided within the interview. Advice for Michael Jackson. We know that Michael is in a bad way right now, but we don't think that even an alleged mini wee-wee toucher would take advice from Mrs. Kevin Federline.  

After Michael Jackon failed to show up to his molestation trial on time this morning, Superior Court Judge Rodney Melville said he would revoke Jackson's $3 million bail and put him behind bars if he did not show up at the courthouse by 9:35 A.M. PST. Jacko eventually turned up, but check out what he was wearing:



Um, are those ZUBAZ?

Jacko, we know you like to show that you're "down" with others accused of loving the underaged (a la your collaboration with R. Kelly), but honestly, there's no need to go dressing like Joey Buttafuoco.  

We were so frightened by this story, it took us all morning to stop rocking back and forth, but we realized that this would be our only chance to mention a member of DeBarge in 2005, so we pressed on. Michael Jackson's former brother-in-law, James DeBarge, apparently saw Michael getting a little more than friendly with his chimp, Bubbles. While Bubbles is approximately the same size as a prepubescent boy, we thought that the extreme amount of body hair would have been a turn off for Michael. Boy, did we underestimate Jacko's warped sense of reality.  

Welp, the Jacko trial is well underway, and it's already shaping up to be highly amusing. In a tragic way, of course. In a statement to the jury on Monday, Santa Barbara County District Attorney Tom Sneddon claimed that children entered Neverland polite, kind, and well-mannered, but when they left, they were "ominously changed." Kind of like when the ranch's owner entered as a black man and emerged years later as a scary Caucasian eunuch with new, clitoris-sized nose.  

Good news, Court-TV junkies! The courts have searched high and low, and managed to locate twelve oblivious ignoramuses dwelling in California caves and media-free religious communes to make up the Michael Jackson molestation jury!  

A word of warning to those of you who start your weekend on Thursday and are nursing a wicked hangover this morning: we are about to describe Michael Jackson's boner after the cut. Proceed at your own risk.  

Michael Jackson was rushed to the hospital yesterday after he collapsed on his way to his child molestation trial. Doctors say that today he's in stable condition and was suffering from an acute lack of prepubescent wiener. Juuuust joshin'; his nose actually fell off and became hoplessly lodged in his artificial chin cleft. OK, no, so he has the flu. Really.  

Corey "Feldog" Feldman had some interesting things to say about his former BFF Michael Jackson during his much-anticipated 20/20 interview last Friday. Namely, that Michael showed him naked pictures, did not touch his wiener, and refused to save Corey from the terrorists. Poor old Corey. Never gets a break.  

A Los Angeles woman has filed court papers claiming that Michael Jackson is the biological father of her twins. Normally, we like to refrain from snarky stories involving MJ, as it's like taking a semiautomatic to a pile of deaf and blind baby rabbits crammed in an undersized pen. But we'll make an exception, just this once.