Being the offspring of Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones has got to be rough. First Daddy looks like the psychotic version of David Crosby, but without the mellowing effects of weed. Then there's the inevitable blow-up when you misstate Mommy's age to one of your playground friends. "Do you think Mommy's some kind of monster? I'm thirty-five." "But, Mommy, you were thirty-five two years ago." "I don't care. I'm THIRTY-FIVE. And when you ask again in two years I will still be THIRTY-FIVE!" Compared to that trauma, Daddy asking you to pee on him is probably the equivalent of a non-famous child getting a special pony ride.  

Happy "Scary Pictures of People Who Were in Basic Instinct" Day, everybody!



Celebrate by taking an icepick and cramming it clean through your eyeballs! Phew, that's better.  

Lots of women are jealous types, and if they catch another broad making eyes at their man, they'll unleash a torrent of cussing, biting, scratching, hairpulling, pudding wrestling, and possibly foxy boxing. But Catherine Zeta-Jones's jealousy and insanity are at levels previously uncharted by humans, and she says if she catches any ho looking at hubby Michael Douglas, she'll take care of the problem with a sword. Which must happen often, because if there's anything young women desire, it's a 104-year-old man with an enlarged prostate, an ass for a chin, and weeping face lift sutures.  

Michael Douglas is 60. In Hollywood, this doesn't normally matter--that's about the age when its male stars film a string of romantic comedies opposite your Amanda Peets or your Heather Grahams. But Mike is married to notorious shrieking harridan Catherine Zeta-Jones, who is probably just now realizing that although those Douglas dollars are still fun to spend, the fella she married is well on his way to the bloated, saggy land of salt-n-pepper 'nad hair, so the Wall Street star had himself a good old-fashioned face lift.