• Kevin Federline claims that on his GED, he got "amazing ass test scores." You know who else aced the amazing ass test? Heather Locklear (see above).

• Shamed superstar Mel Gibson fires up his Razr and sets out on the seemingly insurmountable task of personally apologizing to every Jew in the whole wide world.

• Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume. Exhaustion by Lindsay Lohan will smell softly of jasmine, raspberry vodka, and pink pepper with bottom notes of firecrotch musk.

• And there is no love lost between Lindsay and her Bobby costar William H. Macy, who says that she "should have her ass kicked." Not such a good idea, Macy, old chum. The ass might be your target of choice, but Lindsay apparently goes for the face.

• Cindy Crawford gets by with a little help from her friends. Her good friends Botox and Collagen.

• The Japanese have given the thumbs up to their previously censored Britney naked posters. Gee, you think the "banning" and "controversy" was only to drum up publicity? Nah.

• Pete Doherty: punched out a male nurse at rehab!

• Pete Doherty: also busted for cocaine in rehab! We don't know about you, but we're really starting to understand what a beautiful, wealthy, iconic supermodel would see in him. What a prize!

• His lyrical edge softened with age, contentment, and wealth, Bruce Springsteen makes a bid for authentic suffering by dumping redheaded wife for redheaded 9/11 widow.  

• As a half-Jew, Rob Schneider refuses to ever work with Mel Gibson. Braveheart 2 just got 54% less zany!

• Ever seen pink pee before? No? Ever seen Pink pee before? Also no? Well, here ya go.

• Carmen Electra and Shannon Elizabeth are pals. If C-list hangs with D-list, does that elevate them to B-list?

• If you posess fashion experience and much love for checkered bondage pants, you can work for Gwen Stefani and her L.A.M.B. label. Just email skagirl.com. Skagirl . . . we think we cybered with her in the AOL Skankin' Pickle room in 1994.

• Melanie Griffith takes the Cruddiest Mom of the Year crown from Dina Lohan when she lights her teenage daughter Dakota's cigarette.

• Cindy Crawford plus stripper pole plus mojitos minus bra equals summer fun for the whole family.

• Al Reynolds dons spandex; gets late-night booty call from large man in bucket hat.

• In case you were wondering who, on God's green Earth, would admire the jauntily shoddy designs of Charlie Sheen's ill-timed kidswear company, Sheen Kidz, the answer is: Britney. Naturally.

• Penelope Cruz is the first non-Scientologist to step forth and claim that Suri No Middle Name Cruise exists.

• Is David Geffen getting Stiflered?  

After patching up our tinfoil hats, storing our children safely in a well, and duct-taping pillows to our person, we have emerged from our hastily assembled Celebrity Scandal Shelter to assess the Mel Gibson Drunkgate fallout. We weren't surprised to learn that he'd been charged with misdemeanor drunk driving, but finding out that in addition to blaming the Jewish population for the world's problems, he has, in the past, made several inflammatory comments about gay men, stating that not only do they engage in anal sex, but the aforementioned anus is used to eliminate solid waste from the body. Sacre bleu!  

• K-Fed and Britney want to launch a non-false tabloid Magazine of Truth that doesn't tell any lies or nasty rumors or fun stuff about celebrities. Sorry to piss in your lemonade, but that already exists. It's called People.

• Jessica Simpson's mother does not agree with Papa Joe's willingness to pimp her out. Jessica responds by donning a semi-sheer dress. Nations rejoice, war and poverty and crime end.

• Heath Ledger: what a joker.

• Most actresses like to don an expensive, tasteful, and stunning designer gown to their post-wedding reception. Pam Anderson wears a skipper hat, a $12.99 bikini from Fashion Bug, and naked nipples.

• In some circles, Tom Cruise's crotch is known as The Punisher. Poor Katie Holmes has certainly suffered enough as a result of it.

• And is Tom about to ensnare K-Hole as his legal baby-baking concubine? If oversized planters and outdoor chandeliers are any indication of a Scientological spirit-uniting ceremony (and they certainly should be), then yes.

• What's more entertaining than a Mel Gibson mugshot? Pictures of Mel Gibson, well into his cups, manhandling strange women mere hours before said mugshot.

• Would you like to see Lindsay Lohan's box? Oh, wait, we meant "Lindsay Lohan boxing". So sorry.

• Speaking of Lohan, and nipples, and transparent apparel: Lindsay aped Jessica and ponied up some vague nip. Or did Jessica ape Lindsay? No matter--we're all winners here.  

Over the weekend, Pam Anderson married Kid Rock, Lindsay Lohan threw caution to the wind and defiantly stepped out on the town, but Mel Gibson has them all beat: tossing back enough liquor to immobilize a hippo, drunk driving (possibly in a bid to off himself), getting arrested, spewing anti-Semitic slurs and sexually harassing female police officers, and then, humbled, checking his ass into rehab. You might say he was in high spirits. Bwahahaha! "Spirits!" Hahaha! Cuz . . . cuz he was . . . drunk . . . oh, never mind.