• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

• Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

• Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

• Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

• Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

• Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.  

Part of an ongoing, helpful series in which we lend a friendly helping hand and brainstorm Halloween costume ideas, so you don't have to!

Step 1: Wax or shave chest. Women may skip ahead to Step 3.
Step 2: Apply bronzer liberally all over entire body.
Step 3: Pillage local thrift shop or wacky uncle's closet. Procure Jamz shorts, preferably clamdigger style.
Step 4: Insert toothbrush into mouth, roam around on Pacific Coast Highway.

All done. You're Matthew McConaughey! Truly chilling!
 

Matthew: See this, buttmunches? I'm with a girl. A hot girl. I am so not gay. I even put on a shirt to prove that I don't want that yummy concierge looking at my totally ripped pecs. I don't care if he does have an ass that's as tight as Janet Jackson's weave. Cause I've got a girl. And last night I gave it to her good. Right in her . . . her . . .



Hey, Pen, what's that thing called again? Oh, right, her vagina. Mmmm, I love vaginas. They're so hard and long and . . . covered in scales . . . and I love it when they dangle like a limp piece of spaghetti. Vaginas are where it's at, brah.  

Lance: So those are the things that we're supposed to get all hot in the crotch over? I just don't get it. Do you get it, Matt?
Matt: Nah, man. Let's stop wasting our time staring at a couple lumps of fat and go smoke some herb, put on our spandex, and run around the track for an hour while we smack each other's asses.
Lance: Sounds cool to me.  

And this one's no exception.


 

After toking a greater amount of marijuana than he did preceeding his naked, bongo-related arrest in 1999, Matthew McConaughey recently achieved a state of oneness with the Earth so real, so complete, that he was compelled to mount Mother Nature herself and, with a mighty roar, impregnate her with his gloriously tanned and toned seed.

 

• Matthew McConaughey beat some rape charges. Which is actually kind of easy to do when your accuser is a foaming-at-the-mouth loonybird who claims she turned down MM's proposal of marriage while they were studying Scientology and then he tried to kill her after knocking her out with drugged milk.

• Paris Hilton knows when to hold 'em and fold 'em, but not when to walk away or run, so much.

• Mischa Barton wears lacy white panties. Tell your friends.

• Ashlee Simpson ponies up a little areola. Her yams look pretty nice. It's a shame about the makeup, though.

• We know Lohan gives Spuds McKenzie a run for his money in the "original party animal" category, but the fact that the cast of a show that works under cover of night, fueled on various stimulants, had to stage an intervention is just sad.

• Mandy Moore's parents were holed up in her basement, playing World of Warcraft and smoking bongs, posting on Doctor Who message boards and refusing to get jobs, so she kicked their lard asses to the damn curb.

• But y'all ain't mad at her, because look how adorable and precious she is! Awwwww. Mannnnndyyyy.

• If Tony Parker hadn't come along and made an honest woman out of Eva Longoria, she would have been straddling tables at nightclubs, inserting a Jeff Stryker Cock n' Balls into her netherholes instead of just talking about it.

• K-Hole asked for (and got) an epidural while crapping out Suri Cruise. Brutal, hateful, extra-long auditing session TK.  

Hahahahahaa Mellencamp hahaha hahaha ha ha haahahaha McConaughey hahahahahahaha Pink Houses hahahahahahaha bongos hee hee hee hee hee. Oh, we can't hear anything over the sound of our own LOLing over here.  

It has been revealed that Matthew McConaughey is not just a naked, pot-smoking, bongo-playing hippie; he is also a champion wrestler in Africa. Perhaps next he will reveal that his laid-back perpetual smile is actually his way of saying "I could kill you with my bare hands."