Here we thought that in the whole Lindsay Lohan equation we were the creepy one, always picturing her head atop every body in our favorite lesbo porn and rooting through her trash and licking the rims of her Starbucks cups. But according to Mary-Kate Olsen Lindsay is the sicko one. That's good to know. Now we can get back to imagining Lindsay while watching Schindler's Clit.  

Hasn't Mary-Kate Olsen suffered enough, what with the having arms the size of peppermint sticks and looking like a botoxed duck? Did you really have to take away her Nachos, Paris, with all that you have? Just because her bones are withered and brittle from malnutrition does not mean that she does not bleed. She hurts, dammit.  

After her "devastating" breakup with Paris Latsis, Paris Hilton has wasted no time finding a new man and pissing off both Mary-Kate Olsen and Tara Reid. Girls, girls! Now, we all know there's only one way to settle this: pudding wrestling. Oh, wait. We're talking about Paris Hilton, Mary-Kate Olsen, and Tara Reid? Then we mean: girls, girls! Now, we all know there's only one way to settle this: throw you down a mile-deep pit and have you tear each other limb from limb. Or starve to death. Which wouldn't take long.  

We’ve just been dying--dying!--to know how the producers of The Simple Life would get around that whole Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie super-bitch feud/wanting to tear off each other’s bobble heads and use them to fatten up Hilary Duff thing. And now we know. Paris and Nicole will separately invade homes and pretend to be the wife. And if the husbands can’t resist themselves around a couple of ninety-pound, seventh-grade-educated pseudo-celebrities, then the producers ain’t complaining.  

WARNING: OLSEN THONG AFTER THE JUMP.  

No, no, Mary-Kate. "The freshman fifteen" means you GAIN fifteen pounds, not LOSE it, sweetheart.