We Americans are weak. We see star power on the level of Mariah Carey and we are helpless to ward against its strenuous demands. Repaint that Best Buy break room before Mariah enters? Sure, it'll only take a couple hours, and it'll bring Mariah uninterrupted minutes of pleasure. Carry her around on our back because her feet are incapable of becoming parallel to the floor? No problem, we've got a chiropractor appointment tomorrow anyway. But the Chinese, they're tough. They ain't takin' shit from no American lady in lingerie that cost enough to feed an entire village in Hunan Province.  

Our favorite celebrity rumor of years gone by (back in the time when ponchos and Ugg boots were the height of fashion) was the one claiming that Billy Bob Thornton only ate orange food. (It was only surpassed by the rumor that Snoop Dogg have given up the weed. That one was funny.) We imagined Billy Bob with stashes of Cheetos and carrot sticks and mashed sweet potatoes in his man purse. We never thought of Billy Bob as much of a trendsetter, but to Mariah Carey he must be what Vicki "Mama's Family" Lawrence is to us. We do everything Mama does.  

• Heath Ledger got squirted with water as a prank and took it really personally. What, are you gonna cry about it? Huh, little tiny baby Heathie? Gonna cry? Go on, cryyyyyy, baby! Cryyyyyy!

• Piloh Shitt, for real this time:

Many, many more pictures of mom, dad, Zahara, new baby, and nursing bra here.

• We're just a copper hair away from seeing the freckles pouring forth from Lindsay Lohan's firecrotch.

• Speaking of Lindsay, she incurred the fiery wrath of Vogue editrix Anna Wintour at the CFDA Awards when she failed to get a hall pass to visit the potty. Six times. In two hours.

• Elle MacPherson is still a foxy MacPerson.

• Nicole Richie, mad with hunger, throws water all over some poor paparazzo. Maybe she mistook him for Heath Ledger?

• Jessica Alba pulls a Teri Hatcher and trusses up her already buoyant, flawless blammos with tape. Son of a bitch.

• Katherine Heigl wants to show off her Grey's Anatomy on a sex tape. We can say with utterly no sarcasm whatsoever that the idea is a wonderful one and should be carried out immediately, and with zest.

• PIcking up freshly-laid, warm dog crap with a plastic bag makes Mariah's nipples hard.

• Chris "alpha heterosexual male" Klein grows the beard that Topher Grace just shaved off.  

• Michelle Rodriguez is out of jail again, and she says, "I'm moving to France... People don't bother you there." Which we take to mean "The pigs don't hassle me when I kick back a carafe of red wine and then go for a spin in a Renault." Ooh la la!

• Thank you, Mira Sorvino, for giving your new son a normal name. Teach your Hollywood brethren, Mira Sorvino. Show them the way.

• No link here, but seriously: When was the last time we saw Britney and Kevin together? Just wondering.

• Robin Tunney is pretty. Robin Tunney has a nipple. Pretty Robin Tunney shows us her nipple.

• Christina Aguilera's husband, proboscis monkey Jordan Bratman, won't let his wife pose topless. What a brat, man.

• No, no, the old saying isn't "Mom, baseball, and apple pie." It's "baseball, braces, and Alyssa Milano's pokies."

• Mariah Carey: That tomato's got billion dollah pegs, I tells ya.

• Ben Affleck rushed to the hospital because of a headache. The rest of us rushed to the hospital because we just heard the name Ben Affleck.

• Mischa Barton calls her mother "retarded." Yeah, but who's the one who willingly had sexual congress with Brandon Davis? Huh? Huh??? Who's retarded now, Mischa? Who's retarded now????  

We've been pretty bored with celebrities lately. Their hearts just don't seem to be in it. Every day it's Paris Hilton did something slutty, Britney Spears left her baby in the lion cage at the Santa Monica zoo, Tom Cruise prayed to his alien overlord. It gets a little stale. But it seems we're not the only ones getting bored. Celebrities themselves can't even muster up any enthusiasm. Usually the words catfight and Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan or Mariah Carey and Christina Aguilera would cause our ears to perk up (and all you perverts would have something else perking up as well), but these ladies failed to deliver the bitch. They left their claws at home and only managed to whimper a sad "You suck" in their fellow starlet's direction.  

Miss Mariah Carey was recently caught in a downpour in London. Luckily, she was donning the classic rainstorm-appropriate ensemble:

Long, weather-proof coat? Check.
Tall boots to keep feet toasty and dry? Check.
Oversized umbrella? Check.



Pube-grazing micro-mini and completely see-through top exposing all of the breast, save for the nip? Check.  

Keira Knightley is a petite Brit with bite-sized cans. Mariah Carey is a brassy American with colossal breasts. Keira is an actress. Mariah is a singer. Keira starred in a movie with Johnny Depp. Mimi starred in a video with Snoop Doggy Dogg. But despite outward appearances, these two have more in common than you think. The thing they have in common is recent upskirt shots. But only one of these ladies prefers to don underdrawers. So . . . um . . . we guess they don't have much in common after all.  

• Jennifer Aniston is moving to Chicago. We can't wait to run into her in the health and beauty aisle at Jewel!

• Piper Perabo lowers herself to date former pill-popper/Friends friend Matthew Perry. Move over TomKat and Brangelina, here's . . . Pipthew Perrybo?

• Our #1 deity, Mariah Carey, teams up with Snoop, shoots a video, mounts a mesa of Vuitton luggage, wears very little clothing.

• Salma Hayek chortles when confronted with Colin Farrell's weenis. Understandable.

• Portman pokies, redux!

• If your daughter were Tori Spelling, wouldn't you sue her too? Just for fun?

• K-Fed hates the Pavarotti, loves his kids and wife, raps about it in hot new tune on MySpace. This one's for the haters. Fuck the media.

• Pink's special surprise for her husband is reportedly a "12ft pole to be erected in her dressing room". But the bigger surprise is that said pole is being erected in her pants! Because she's a man, see.

• Aerosmith's Steven Tyler is about to undergo surgery for an "undisclosed medical condition". Lip reduction? Eyeliner tattoos? Scarfectomy?  

• Teri Hatcher reveals that she was brutally molested as a child by an uncle, and she testified against him recently and helped put him in jail. Go Teri!

• Mayhaps the Pussycat Dolls should change their name to the Pussyandtittycat Dolls.

• When your toddler asks you, "Daddy, what does 'bootylicious' mean?" you can now say, "Look it up in the dictionary, ya little shit" and mean it!

• Donald Trump says of his daughter Ivanka, "I'd hit it."

• Not only would Mariah Carey like you to touch her butt, she would like you to punch her in the gut. Well, okay.

• Yanni was charged with abusing his girlfriend in their Florida home. What, did he force her to to listen to his music? Haw haw, bet you didn't see that joke coming.

• In other domestic abuse news, the Hoff gets hasselled . . . by his estranged wife!

• Jerry Hall says younger men not only suck in bed, they make you listen to Coldplay. It's a scary day when Jerry Hall is a practical voice of reason.

• Thanks Easter bunny! Bok bok! As it turns out, Cokaite Moss used to hide her stash in a Fabergé egg. Pfft. We hide ours in a Ming vase.

 

We here at CelebNewsWire don't have many scruples (we were never very good at that game); if Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby was born with Downs Syndrome, a shrunken head on an enlarged body, and both sets of genitalia, we wouldn't hesitate to laugh our asses off. But the one thing we refuse to do is make fun of Mariah Carey. We have stood by her through thick and thin (har har), and now she's going to prove to the rest of you that she's not fat, she's fierce--one ass grab at a time.  

• Mariah Carey ensures that she will never receive a free Chanel dress ever again.

• Why, hello, M&Ms stuck in Jennifer Lopez's dress. Nice to see you.

• Speaking of small round candies and boobs . . .

• Beyonce once jiggled her jelly so damn hard that her entire dress fell off. Guess she didn't see that ragtag group of young men with oversized novelty magnets who sewed her garment with metal thread.

• Lindsay Lohan dresses up as Diane Keaton, Liza Minnelli, and Liz Taylor. Gay male plotzing TK.

• Tom Sizemore has been sent back to rehab. Also, the sun rose today.

• Ya can't shine shit: MK and Ashley Olsen are all gussied up and shilling for Badgley Mischka. Funny how chimpanzees in $5,000 frocks are still chimpanzees.

• Britney took her baby Sean to the emergency room because he was constipated. Now, we're no Dr. Spock or nuthin', but maybe, just maybe, if she stopped giving him tubes of nacho bacon E-Z Cheez in lieu of bottles, this wouldn't happen.

• And maybe Brit should lay off the aerosol delicacies herself.

• Poor Nikki Cox learns that when you agree to marry a professional guest star, you lose your livelihood. And your breasts.

• PETA activists threw flour on Paris Hilton as she entered a London fashion week party. They then battered and deep-fried her and enjoyed her with some honey BBQ dippin' sauce. Just kidding, that's not vegan.  

Mariah Carey says that there's nothing in the world she likes better than eating in bed while wearing a bib. Aaaaaand no punchline is really needed here.  

Everybody's ragging on Mariah lately for getting fat. Sorry, but all extra poundage she piles on goes straight to her disproportionately massive T&A, as evidenced by these pictures, and if you're complaining about that, then you are a very bad man. We love the screwy broad like Heathcliff loves a garbage can full of fish bones.  

• The unpleasant weave Tyra Banks sported on last season's Top Model has migrated to her lip. That's fierce!

• Joaquin Phoenix: method actor.

• When you litter, Patrick Swayze turns his weather-beaten, spiritual face to the skies and weeps a solitary tear.

• Paris Hilton gets her stoolbox hosed out.

• Oasis member Noel Gallagher calls Jack White "Zorro on doughnuts". And, well, uh, he's kinda got a point there.

• A stripper had drunken floor sex with David Arquette. Strippers have low standards.

• And Mariah Carey has an employee who helps her lift those pesky beverages to her parched lips. Don't snicker--the strawmaster probably makes more than you.  

• Christina Applegate's husband of four years, Jonathan Schaech, has filed for divorce. We looked him up on IMDb to see what he's done recently, only to find that he's been tapped to play Dalton in the sequel to Road House! Christina, are you crazy? You don't incur the wrath of James Dalton. He will rip your throat the hell out with his bare hands!

• Sienna Miller seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Leo DiCaprio seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Thus, it was only natural that these two master canoodlers would eventually canoodle their way into each other's cozy, canoodly arms.

• The photog who snapped the now infamous but as yet unseen topless photos of Jen Aniston speaks! And he drops a juicy little nugget in the process. Mee-yow!

• You know Eminem's ex-wife, Kim? The one he's threatened to murder? The one who's been jailed several times and was thrown out of rehab for blowing a teenage patient? Well, they're going to remarry. Now that's a terrific idea.

• Although Lindsay Lohan was struck down with food poisoning and unable to make it to her scheduled Regis and Kelly appearance, she looked fit as a fiddle a few hours later on TRL. It's a Christmas miracle!

• You'll get sprong for Famke Janssen's thong. Yeah, that was dumb. Like you could do better? Jerk.

• Brad Pitt faces a long hard road when it comes to adopting Angelina's wee babes . . . unless he marries her. My, how positively convenient.

• Mariah's wearing clams on her boobs, which kind of makes you wonder what she might be wearing on her clam.  

Looks like Mariah's breaking out the Christmas ham a little early.  

Ever wanted to play with Mariah Carey? Sure you have. Who hasn't? Ever wanted to gently caress her? Take off her bra and panties? Certainly. How about stroking her hair? Ever wanted to do that? Yes? OK, how about picking out her outfits? Shaving her head? Popping off her head and hiding Nerds and gumballs inside? Your prayers have been answered: the Mariah doll is comin right atcha.  

Who shot JFK? What really happened at Roswell? Did Catherine the Great really pork a horse? Intriguing enigmas all, but the greatest mystery of our time remains this: How come Mariah Carey exclusively wears clothes that require double-sided tape and chewed-up Hubba Bubba to stay put, yet we've seen nary a nip throughout the ages?
Finally. Finally, our day has come.  

Mariah Carey claims that her five-year marriage to music mogul/daddy figure Tommy Mottola was so horrendous that she often fantasized about being kidnapped. Kind of like how when we were held captive by that serial-killing maniac we would fantasize about Fabio or Richard Gere or somebody whisking us away on a white horse. Wait, that’s not the same thing at all.  

Mariah Carey is not a diva. You got that, world? So please stop calling her one. And if you happen to see her being carried around a video set being fanned by cabana boys and slowly fed grapes one by one, she’s not being a diva, it’s just because her feet hurt, so lay off, willya?  

Yesterday we told you a groin-warming tale of Mariah Carey accidentally emancipating her Mimis on German TV. We begged and pleaded for pics, and the pics, they have come. Some lovely lads on the CNDB.com message boards have some quickie shots to tide us over 'til the magic of high-res appears. Enjoy the "Vision of Jugs".

UPDATE: Yeah, those pics may be fakes. Dagnabbit. Keep checking the CNDB thread for more updates  

We have a confession to make: We’ve never actually watched American Idol. We pretend that we have. We once saw Bo Bice on The Daily Show and talked about how charming and talented he was when we gathered around the Mr. Coffee the next day at the office. But we were merely talking out of our ass. If Paula Abdul leaves the show and is replaced by either Whitney Houston or Mariah Carey, though, we will be the first in line to petition Fox for a 24 hour American Idol channel.  

• Dennis Rodman says his affair with Madonna was "just alright", not "on a level", and "not all that". Then dropped his Most Hype Sayings of 1992 phrasebook in the toilet, sparing us any references to ". . . and a bag of chips", or Arsenio-style barking.

• How did B-lister Jared Leto land himself an Ol$en? By packing some excessive toolage, of course. Big dongs. The ladies do seem to enjoy them.

• Listen, we are slovenly Midwestern crapbags who are ignorant in the sparkly ways of you fancy coastal dwellers, so we don't know who the f this "Fabian Basabe" is. But we do know three things: he's a funny man, a gay man, and a racist man.

• Whooops, Mariah "The Glitterfly" Carey's clothes fell off! There must be pictures. Where are the damn pictures?

• Ryan Seacrest would like FOX to give him a raise. Highlights and tan-in-a-can are expensive

• Tiffani Thiessen gets married! Congrats! Wait, wait, wait. We remember Tiffani-Amber Thiessen from 90210. Who the hell is this "Tiffani Thiessen" person?

• Pssst! Angelina still likes sex! PASS IT ON.  

So Mariah Carey’s sister is a hooker. Huh. And the police in Suffolk County, New York, have it out for her. Which really isn’t fair, because if there’s one thing you should get out of emerging from the same womb as an internationally known superstar it’s the right to sell your poon when and where you please.  

We love Mariah Carey. Absolutely love her. The more demure her clothing choices become, the crazier and more demanding she becomes when appearing in public. And now she's even out-diva'd P. Diddy and his "personal umbrella carrier" by hiring an entourage member to dispose of her used gum.  

You may have a separate closet in your home for your cleaning supplies and implements. You may have a separate closet in your home for coats and galoshes and other winterwear. But you probably don't have an entire closet in your home devoted to hundreds of lacy white underthings like crazy Mariah Carey does, and that's what makes Mariah Carey the demeted prima donna millionaire cuckaloo that she is, and that's also what makes you you.  

We'll just get this out in the open: We love Mariah Carey. Not that we listen to her music or anything like that, we just love that she thinks she's the center of the universe. It's not like she's the damn Queen of England. Or even Diana Ross, for that matter. But girl sure knows how to make some demands.  

Mariah Carey, you are fast becoming our personal God, what with your diva fits and giant birthday cakes made in your likeness and the red carpet arrivals flanked with candles and all. But Mariah, honey, your taste in men is . . . well, it's appalling. Vomit-inducing, really. We thought you couldn't stoop any lower than Eminem and Jeter, but legendary modelhumper Flavio Briatore? Do you want to end up back in the psych ward?  

Mariah Carey has admitted that she's "a little dramatic." Next, Michael Jackson to admit he's "a little weird," and Elton John to admit he's "a little gay."  

Remember a few years back, when Mariah Carey went cuckoobananas and started talking to her shoe collection and had to "go away" for a little "rest"? And then she emerged, like the mythical phoenix out of the flames, claiming she was 110% better? Uh, yeah, she's still nuts.