Halloween tends to bring out the ribaldry in a lot of people, what with all the sexy kitty cat and sexy bunny rabbit and sexy nurse and sexy comptroller costumes around. So this morning, our thoughts turn to sin and we sit idly, twiddling our thumbs and waiting patiently for requisite nip-slip-though-skimpy-costume celebrity pictures to be released. A cursory frisking of the internets has turned up nothing so far, but we have plenty to fall back on; namely, Marcia Cross nudie pics in a Glad bag, Anne Hathaway laying down some baffling rules for getting naked, and Lucy Liu learning the meaning of "European nudity" (hint: it has nothing to do with fine wine or bidets).  

You know how sometimes you go to a movie and it's about an hour and twenty minutes in and you're all wrapped up in watching Wesley Snipes or whoever blow shit up and Matt Damon's about to get the girl but he doesn't know she's a cyborg programmed to blow up the Pentagon and you're full-on in suspension of disbelief mode and you don't even care that you just touched your face with your fingers that have been marinating in semi-viscous popcorn pomade and the zits are brewing and then, THEN, about two rows over, you hear the familiar tinny Nokia melody and the telltale glow of some chucklefuck answering his phone and saying, "Hey, what's up. I'm in a movie. Yeah, it's pretty good. I dunno. I might be hanging out later. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Blah blah blah blah I'm a d-bag blah"? And you think to yourself, "If there is any justice in this crazy, topsy-turvy world, that guy will die alone. Who, in good conscience, would ever love such a fully reprehensible creature?"

As it turns out, we have the answer to that question: Marcia Cross.  

For the past week or two all we heard about was the impending wedding of Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. And we really didn't care. So what's changed now that they have officially become international superstar and househusband? Nothing really, but as that was really the only thing that happened over the weekend, we thought we'd suck it up for you, our wedding-obsessed wrapped-up-in-lace-with-a-bow-on-top super gay readers. Oh wait, our readers are pervy dirty old men who like to look at twenty-year-old celebrity nipples. Well, fuck, it's too late to find a new story now.  

• Arnold Schwarzenegger just can't seem to keep his hands off the dames, and now one of his extramarital playmates is claiming that she was paid off by the Enquirer. Listen, if you were married to Skeletor, wouldn't you be blindly grabbing any ripe flesh that happened to pass by?

• Kate Moss's mom has a loving nickname for her daughter's paramour Pete Doherty: Crackhead. Fitting since . . . well, since he just got arrested in Oslo for posession of heroin and crack.

• Winona! Where ya been, girlfriend? Oh, and where'd you get that cute belt? How much did it cos--oh.

• Paula Abdul to return to Idol and thanks her "fans around the world" for their support. Wait, she means these ones, right?

• Puffy Sean John Diddy P. Combs Daddy is now just "Diddy". He says the new name is "more rock n' roll" and we agree. Just saying "Diddy diddy diddy!" makes us feel like we're in Mott the Hoople!

• Marcia Cross is frigid.

• Britney sez: screw the homeless, screw poverty, and triple screw AIDS; I'm putting my cash towards more red string thingies for toddlers!  

Awriiiight! It's been awhile since we've had any good Desperate Housewives juice, but today, we woke up and found that the oranges done got squeezed and we can proffer a fresh pulpy glass. Two words: cat and fight.  

Hollywood lesbian update: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are still all sorts of blonde, gay, and in love; Marcia Cross is still not gay yet still not sleeping with men. C'mon, Marcia, you're never going to fool anyone by being celibate. Take out a pretty boy once in a while and make us wonder. Even Rock Hudson had a beard.  

At this very moment our hearts are breaking. Just two short days ago we brought you our favorite rumor in ages, and now our hopes are being smashed like that sad little puppy our older brother stepped on to make us cry. Marcia Cross's spokeswoman says that her client definitely likes her some penis.  

The eagle eyes over at Defamer recently pointed us to an interesting little thread at The DataLounge claiming that someone on the cast of Desperate Housewives will be coming out of the closet via an exclusive cover story in The Advocate. The post was originated by someone who claims to work for ABC, but the validity of rumor is totally questionable. But who cares about validity? This gossip had us so excited over the weekend we could barely leave the house to get piss-drunk and watch some sports-type thingy.