If you looked like a carved apple that had been left out in the sun or that priest who fondled our privates in 1978 and told us that Jesus would never forgive us if we told, you wouldn't want your wife kissing all over some male model. And that's exactly why Marc Anthony had to raise his squeaky little voice and tell Jennifer Lopez, "Hell no, bitch!"  

Jennifer is sad. And for once we’re not talking about Jennifer Aniston. Rather Jennifer Lopez got bummed the fuck out when a reporter for Elle magazine asked her about Ben Affleck’s new marriage and incubating spawn.  

J. Lo's big fat ass has been the muse of many an artistic dilettante. We've seen it ensconced in the finest fashions from Milan and Paree, jiggling hypnotically in our faces via aesthetically stunning music videos, heard it praised joyously in song. But her husband Marc Anthony knows that oil paint is the greatest medium in which to celebrate those twin globules of loin flesh.  

For years, the public has been obsessed with the size of Jennifer Lopez's ass. We marvel at it, we dissect the waxing and waning of its vastness, we dedicate VH1 shows to it. But the squaw of Anthony has been acting a little funny lately, so we finally tear our eyes away from her posterior and focus them firmly on her uterus.  

Poor Marc Anthony. Not only is he married to the most high-maintenance woman in the world, she won't even let him pick out his own panties.