• Oprah was not invited to Tom and K-Hole's wedding, but she is trying to figure out what to send them as a gift. Duh! A couch.

• Bigger news than Santa arriving at the lighting of the Macy's Christmas tree: Victoria's Secret supermodels getting on their boob-shaped spacecraft and arriving on Earth after their long journey from Planet Jiggle.

• Madonna wants to buy another baby as soon as possible. Perhaps it will be a Christmas gift for the other one.

• Sure, Vida Guerra has a gargantuan tail. But did you know that she has boobs, too?

• Nicole Richie has responded to PageSix's insinuation that SOMEONE had reverse gastric bypass in her MySpace blog. The lady doth protest too much.

• Is Kirsten Dunst sinking her vampiric meth mouth baby teeth into rodentlike eunuch Orlando Bloom? And will their hypothetical babies be weaselly nutless bloodsuckers?

• Paris Hilton's ass looks less flapjacky from the back. But don't they all, really? When it comes right down to it, aren't they all less flapjacky from the back? Deep.

• Jenny Love Hewitt might be all chaste and crap, but she will still wear a small strip of fabric nestled lovingly betwixt her buttocks.

• Lesbian Week continues: Joan Jett and Carmen Electra love rock n' roll. Joan mighta put another dime in Carmen's juicebox, baby.

• No, as a matter of fact, we haven't actually seen Ron Jeremy and Super Mario in the same room together. Luigi, though, sure.  

• Andy Dick chalks up the fact that people call him gay to everyone being jealous of him, and not him having sex with men.

• Kate Beckinsale says she'll never get plastic surgery. Despite the fact that her boobs were named the Ugliest in Hollywood.

• Madonna probably adopted a baby, for real this time, though. Toting around an African baby is the new Birkin bag!

• George Clooney says he'll never run for president because he's boffed too many ladies. Insert Clinton joke here, please.

• Amber Tamblyn's nip is Tumblyn out of her dress.

• Et tu, Rose McGowan?

• Finally, Johnny Depp to make an honest woman out of Vanessa Paradis! Hopefully she'll be able to get on his dental plan now.

• Lindsay Lohan says, "It's up to me and my mom to decide if I am partying too much." Ah, yes, nothing like that tender moment between mother and daughter, when Mom gently strokes Daughter's hair and says, "Beer BEFORE liquor, sweetheart. And coke before ecstasy. And Red Bull before semen."

• Dr. McDreamy gets McCreamed by McCastmate. We promise that's the only time you'll ever have to read the name "McDreamy" on these pages.

 

Wednesday afternoon everyone thought Madonna had adopted an African orphan in some sort of "I'm a bigger star than you, bitch" challenge to Angelina Jolie. But then it turned out she hadn't. She's just visiting. But she might have tried a few on for size, thought they made her butt look too fat, and returned them to the rack.  

• Yes, you've seen Kate Moss in her underwear before. But that's not going to stop you from looking again.

• David Hasselhoff says that he, like, totally could have done Princess Di if he wanted to, and that they flirted once. She said "You look much better with your clothes on," and then the Hoff replied, "Well Ma'am, so do you." That . . . doesn't . . . make any sense.

• For all you gymnast (we're quite dumb) figure skater-loving old dudes: Katarina Witt upskirt!

• When Britney and Christina kissed Madonna at the MTV awards lo, so many years ago, Christina suggested that she and Britney lock lips, but Brit declined, because she's incredibly classy and very discerning when it comes to whom she lays her mouth upon.

• A man resembling the leather daddy from The Village People is telling all about his affairs with Tom Cruise, Antonio Banderas, Randy Travis, Andrea Boccelli, and Garth Brooks. Of the latter, he says, "When you're fucking a whale, it seems like an eternity." You're preaching to the choir, pal.

• Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are both presently vacationing in Maui. Which is purely a coincidence, we're sure.

• Welcome to Bizarroworld: Ashlee looks stylish, Jessica wears a harem-panted jumpsuit. 2 Legit!

• Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay assaults a throng of Lohan-stalking Pavarottis when he thinks they're interested in him. But he did not do said assaulting in or with a wacky hat, sadly.

• Nicole Richie cries that the media reports saying she's anorexic are stressing her out so bad that she's becoming anorexic!  

Madonna plans to meditate over some water and use it to save the planet from nuclear waste. That is if she isn't kidnapped by the Russian mob first.  

Hosanna on high! Jesus Christ Himself has descended from heaven and delivered us from Shanghai Surprise II!  

Every once in a while Madonna will do something to fool us into thinking she's a real human being and not a member of the Cyborg Ageless Egotist Squad (Model #389, batch C). She'll do a spread in one of those magazines that have about three total pages of editorial content yet still cost $8, depicting her serene home life, her beautiful children, her domesticity. Maybe she'll wear an apron or brandish a rolling pin. And we'll be fooled, for a time. Until we hear that she demands a fresh, newly manufactured toilet seat every time she takes a crap.  

Continuing the trend of celebrities getting naked in fashion magazines, Madonna is set to bare her 47-year-old rack for a topless, equestrienne-themed spread in W. We're really glad she's trotting those things out again. Hopefully W won't crop the photos too much, because everyone wants to take Madge for a ride. Yes, we are unstoppable.  

• Large billboards instructing Katie Holmes to make like a silent, slow-moving three-toed sloth arrive at the Cruisian birth chamber. Chilling.

• And, according to the headline at FemaleFirst, she's about to deliver a bouncing baby iPod.

• Pam Mamderson is getting a little long in the tooth, and realizes that it isn't proper for mature women to bare their breasts. Instead, they wear see-through shirts. How positively demure!

• Star Jones babbles about her new boob job, Joy Behar tells her to shut her fat mouth, Star responds by calling Joy a bitch. Finally, a reason to watch The View.

• With those new fake lips, Jessica Simpson really makes an excellent Real Doll.

• Whoops, scratch that. Actually, Christina Aguilera makes the better inflatable hump toy.

• Madonna learns how to . . . c'mon! Krump! Let your body move to the music! Krump! Krump! Let your body go with the flow!

• Spawn of Affleck . . . revealed! Wait, where are its little horns, its eensy cloven feet?  

It's nice to know that, even in her advanced age and swathed in mature, elegant, refined clothing, Madonna can still show nips and spread her legs like a double-baggable floozy half her age, God love her.  

There comes a time in every parent's life when you have to answer some pretty difficult questions. The "where do babies come from?" question. The "why is there poverty and war and sadness?" question. The "why is my body changing?" question. And, of course, the inevitable, "if my mommy frenches Britney Spears on live television, does that mean she's a homosexual?" question. We've all been there.  

You'll all be happy to know that Madonna is recovering swimmingly after a very recent hernia operation. That's right. Hernia operation. The most famous woman in the world, the queen of sex, ripped a hole in her abdominal wall, which causes her intestines--her fecal highways--to spill through. Yeah, good luck with that whole "masturbating to fantasies of Madonna" thing in the future.  

An award for the greatest celebrity corpse whose flesh has been dried and preserved in rigidity forevermore? Dag, we thought for sure the blue ribbon would go to Teri Hatcher.  

Yes, we're twelve years old.  

Sharon Osbourne may not really be relevant or interesting or cute or nice or talented or intelligent or a good dancer or a gourmet chef or a great parent or naturally sweet-smelling or--wait, what were we saying? Oh yeah. Sharon Osbourne may not be relevent, but she sure is high-larious, especially when she's taking the piss out of the insufferable Madonna.  

Goddammit, Madonna! After all the dirty needles, all the lost days in New York City shooting galleries with Marianne Faithfull? All that sweating and cursing and puking through detox? And you're back on the skag? Just look at Kate Moss. Do you want that to happen to you? Do you, Madonna?  

Madonna's been adopting a severe lady-of-the-manor look lately. We favor the bustiers and full-frontal nudity of yore, but it turns out that her new look mirrors her curiously strict, borderline-no-wire-hangers parenting style. Which makes perfect sense, since she is, indeed, box-office poison.  

We're used to hearing the words "Madonna" and "whores" together, but "Madonna" and "horse" is a new one.  

• Dennis Rodman says his affair with Madonna was "just alright", not "on a level", and "not all that". Then dropped his Most Hype Sayings of 1992 phrasebook in the toilet, sparing us any references to ". . . and a bag of chips", or Arsenio-style barking.

• How did B-lister Jared Leto land himself an Ol$en? By packing some excessive toolage, of course. Big dongs. The ladies do seem to enjoy them.

• Listen, we are slovenly Midwestern crapbags who are ignorant in the sparkly ways of you fancy coastal dwellers, so we don't know who the f this "Fabian Basabe" is. But we do know three things: he's a funny man, a gay man, and a racist man.

• Whooops, Mariah "The Glitterfly" Carey's clothes fell off! There must be pictures. Where are the damn pictures?

• Ryan Seacrest would like FOX to give him a raise. Highlights and tan-in-a-can are expensive

• Tiffani Thiessen gets married! Congrats! Wait, wait, wait. We remember Tiffani-Amber Thiessen from 90210. Who the hell is this "Tiffani Thiessen" person?

• Pssst! Angelina still likes sex! PASS IT ON.  

We haven’t quite finished our third cup of coffee yet, and people keep on asking us if we’ve got a case of the Mondays, which really pisses us off. But we probably do look a little sad and confused this morning, as we just learned that Madonna probably didn’t actually write her children’s books. Next thing you know somebody’s gonna tell us that she didn’t do her own Vogue-ing. That would be a travesty.  

So Mariah Carey’s sister is a hooker. Huh. And the police in Suffolk County, New York, have it out for her. Which really isn’t fair, because if there’s one thing you should get out of emerging from the same womb as an internationally known superstar it’s the right to sell your poon when and where you please.  

- Tom Cruise is an old-fashioned kinda guy, and recently sat down with the parents of his paid platonic consort to hash out contract wedding details.
- Robert Redford: From lumpy to hunky in five short years! Twelve fab secrets for a comely mug inside!
- Madonna stuffs her bra!
- Clay Aiken is terrifying in a way that's, frankly, kind of mesmerizing.
- That's it, we're giving up on the TomKat jokes. There's no way we can beat Goldenfiddle at that game. We ain't even gonna try.  

A full two years after it happened, Simon Le Bon has a sneaking suspicion that Britney and Madonna's famous kiss was staged and that they aren't really lesbian lovers at all, proving once and for all that you can't pull the wool over the eyes of a New Romantic.  

No one has ever claimed that Kabbalah makes people sane or sensitive to the feelings of others. There was something about spiritual enlightenment or some bullshit, but we weren't listening. Lately whenever we hear names like Ashton Kutcher and Madonna we get nostalgic for the time when pampered Hollywood stars were merely self-indulgent without thinking they held the secrets to the universe.  

Where would Britney Spears be without Madonna? She would probably just be some sad where-are-they-now story, someone who had a few hits once and ended up married to trailer trash and wearing curlers to the Piggly Wiggly. Oh, wait. That did happen. But still, Madge gave the Britster the lesbian kiss. And religion. That Madonna, always spreading the best things in life.  

Madonna so desperately wanted to play the role of Warhol superstar and transvestite Candy Darling in an upcoming film that she's agreed to work for free. Dear producers of this movie: you may be saving a bundle by having Madonna work sans salary, but you'll be paying dearly when Madge's "acting" "skills" stink up your picture. Two words: Swept Away!  

Reports differ, but either Madonna or Ashton Kutcher is said to be the new face of a soon-to-be-launched "Kabbalah energy drink". Hmmm. If Kabbalah is a serious religion (and Madonna tells us it is), why do we not have Methodistmobiles or Presbyterian Flakes?  

Madonna's foray into kiddie lit has garnered her a Blue Peter Award--very apropos since she's been turning men's peters blue for years. Zing!  

You know there's something wrong with a "religion" when they charge $24.99 for a piece of red string just because it's been "blessed". Claiming such mental heavyweights as Madonna, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, and Britney Spears as followers doesn't help either. But now BBC reporter Tony Donnelly is proving just how whacked out Kabbalah really is. You'll never look at the Material Girl the same way again.