Did last week's heart wrenching story of Lindsay Lohan's asthma attack and subsequent hospitalization have you wondering, "How could a healthy young lady who eats upwards of 400 calories a day and keeps her nasal passages clear with a cleaning substance somewhat like Comet end up in the hospital?" Could it have been lots of pretty-people fucking with Leonardo Dicaprio? Yep. Could have been.  

• Christina Applegate's husband of four years, Jonathan Schaech, has filed for divorce. We looked him up on IMDb to see what he's done recently, only to find that he's been tapped to play Dalton in the sequel to Road House! Christina, are you crazy? You don't incur the wrath of James Dalton. He will rip your throat the hell out with his bare hands!

• Sienna Miller seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Leo DiCaprio seems to be canoodling with everyone these days. Thus, it was only natural that these two master canoodlers would eventually canoodle their way into each other's cozy, canoodly arms.

• The photog who snapped the now infamous but as yet unseen topless photos of Jen Aniston speaks! And he drops a juicy little nugget in the process. Mee-yow!

• You know Eminem's ex-wife, Kim? The one he's threatened to murder? The one who's been jailed several times and was thrown out of rehab for blowing a teenage patient? Well, they're going to remarry. Now that's a terrific idea.

• Although Lindsay Lohan was struck down with food poisoning and unable to make it to her scheduled Regis and Kelly appearance, she looked fit as a fiddle a few hours later on TRL. It's a Christmas miracle!

• You'll get sprong for Famke Janssen's thong. Yeah, that was dumb. Like you could do better? Jerk.

• Brad Pitt faces a long hard road when it comes to adopting Angelina's wee babes . . . unless he marries her. My, how positively convenient.

• Mariah's wearing clams on her boobs, which kind of makes you wonder what she might be wearing on her clam.  

There's a chill in the air and the holidays are nearly upon us, so naturally celebrities are pairing off and trying to keep warm with marathon humping sessions. Hey, it's more practical than padding their bodies with a healthy layer of fat for insulation and risk landing only roles as the perpetually single friend of the slim and sexy star. We've got engagements between Nicole Kidman and a non-Kenny Chesney country star and Kimberly Stewart and some dude from some MTV show that our fourteen-year-old cousin really likes, Leonardo DiCaprio filling his Gisele void with some saggy Kirsten Dunst tit, and oh so much more.  

• Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.

• Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.

• Renée Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.

• Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.

• Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".

• Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.

• Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!

 

The full moon is blossoming, and so are the crazies. Normally, the mentally deranged and celebrity obsessed are content to stay home cutting out pictures of Josh Hartnett on which to practice kissing (not that we'd know or anything), but it seems that Tom Cruise's recent bout of The Loonies has sent everyone clean over the edge. Just this weekend, Cameron Diaz got punched, Leonardo DiCaprio got his pretty pretty face slashed, and the aforementioned Mr. Cruise found himself on the receiving end of a vicious bukkake attack:
 

Sandra Bullock, Sharon Osbourne, and Leonardo DiCaprio are among the celebrities who are wisely donating money to post-tsunami relief effort in Asia. Another big celebrity, Kabbalah, is donating 10,000 liters of its special "holy" water. Uh . . . thanks?  

Teri Polo'll make you wanna Focker, bein' naked gets the thumbs-up from DiCaprio, Jenny McCarthy shows her junk in Playboy . . . and to husband again, finally. Read on.