Kevin Federline's rumored affair with former porn star Kendra Jade could be the reason behind the Ferderspears divorce. But we're not sure if we buy into the rumor, as the woman who played Brunette With Worms On Her Body in Ass Clowns is still a few notches up the pseudo-celeb sexual feeding chain from KFed.  

When celebrity couples break up we are usually reduced to crying and screaming and weeping and kicking passing puppies in the head. But when Britney Spears and Kevin Federline broke up we baked a twelve-layer cake, drank a case of two buck Chuck, and took the good jewels out of the vault. It was a party. But the crying and screaming et al. can now commence, as Kevin claims that no Ferderspears sex tape exists.  

Kevin Federline is sticking to his claim that's he's a great parent and loves his kids. He just can't buy them shit like food and clothes and shelter and Bubble Yum.  

Kevin Federline is begging Britney Spears to take him back. Obviously this is motivated by a deep commitment to his home and family and a love for his children and a devotion to his wife. It has nothing to do with the fact that he'll soon be a charter member of the Burger King layaway plan.  

Kevin Federline is so broke--how broke is he?--he's so broke he has to smuggle comped booze out of restaurants. (We're sorry. That was awful. We'll try harder next time.) Luckily he has a burgeoning poetry career to fall back on. Hopefully we'll soon be able to put a book of his poems (working title: Federline, Pimping Poems Like They's Bitches) on our shelf next to our prized volume of the poetry of Jewel. Although we doubt that even the inspired verse of Mr. PopoZao can live up to one of our favorite lines from Jewel: "Vincent said she was like screwing a corpse, but a 16-year-old corpse with young tits, so it wasn't bad."  

It's official: For every day until the end of time (or at least until Britney's demise in a bizarre poisoned hair-extension accident) you will encounter a minimum of three gossip items concerning Britney Spears and/or Kevin Federline. Today, Kevin allegedly tries to sell a sex tape, but if that falls through he'll always have that intriguing surveillance footage from his car, and Vogue turns down free pics of Jayden.  

Kevin Federline must have done some pretty shitty things to his soon-to-be ex-wife, because Britney wants him living on the street begging for change and Fubu gear. We haven't seen Brit's dogs in a while; maybe Kevin heard purse pooches provide a better high than shrooms and tried to stuff them in his bong and smoke them.  

Today in Britney news: You can stop the "analysis" you've been conducting of that supposed Britney Spears sex tape. It's a fake. But if your perversions run more toward reckless child endangerment rather than wagging wangs, then you're in luck, as Kevin Federline is suing Britney for custody of their two children. And we're almost 87% positive that Kevin has enough tact not to resort to a Sean P./Jayden/Apple Martin sex tape for cash. 87%.  

On most days pictures of a re-hotted Britney Spears letting Jayden's favorite hobby (i.e. her breasts) hang halfway out of her dress would be big f-ing news and we wouldn't need to say another word about our favorite poptart. But today isn't just any day. It's the day of all hope and glory and regained wanking possibilities. Britney lost an unsightly layer of blubber surrounding her once-worshiped physique, and she also lost that big pile of donkey shit she's been carting around and covering in diamonds for two years. So today we have two Britney stories. After the jump, sex tape, fake wedding, possible fake divorce. Oh holy day!  

Look out the window! Pigs are flying! Also, newborn kittens and rainbow glitter funfetti are raining from the heavens! Why?

Britney Spears has filed for divorce! She's casting off the oppressive, Axe Body Spray-scented Federshackles and is about to spread her wings and fly free! Details after the cut!  

• Angelina and Brad are reportedly adopting an Indian baby as we speak. Because African babies are soooo early-to-mid October 2k6.

• Please, for the love of all that is good and holy in this mortal world, will someone, anyone, shoot a tranq dart into Naomi Campbell's neck?

• Rush Limbaugh accuses Parkinson's sufferer Michael J. Fox of exaggerating his symptoms in a political ad, saying, "He is moving around and shaking, and it is purely an act." Seriously, dude! And remember when Christopher Reeve was tooling around in a wheelchair with a trach tube? Also totally all an act. Fucker was just lazy and tired of walking and breathing. Some Superman!

• DJ AM, aka Adam Goldstein, has moved on from Nicole Richie to nice Jewish girl Michelle Trachtenberg. His bubby is so pleased.

• For the reasonable price of $100,000, Paris Hilton will come to your New Year's Eve party 3 hours late, sit in a corner and text furiously on her Sidekick for 20 minutes, perhaps flash an assflap or two, then leave.

• Sandra Bullock had sexual intercourse on Sunday night.

• Federline the Younger is actually named Jayden James. SPF squared, we hardly knew ye.

• Tara Reid said that her nipples "looked like goose-shaped eggs". Not goose eggs. Eggs, shaped like geese. Nipples like thin shells with webbed feet and beaks and wings holding albumen and yolk. Yup. That's what Tara Reid's nipples looked like.  

• Following her guest-starring role as lottery winner Dawn Budge on Nip/Tuck, Rosie O'Donell will be doing a spinoff series. A Dawn Budge spinoff but no Riding the Bus with My Sister spinoff? God, the injustice in this world.

• We can see right through Mischa Barton.

• And after that, she pokes out our eyeballs so that we might never see again.

• Lance and Matt: forever putting the "ghey" in "McConaughey"!

• Ellen Barkin would like you to know that she has fucked George Clooney. Big deal. Join the club.

• Kelly Brook's underwear can be yours. In fact, Kelly Brook's underwear can be anybody's now.

• Suzanne Somers wrote a new book about hormone replacement therapy being the fountain of youth. Before you go clamoring to pick up a copy and a side of progesterone, have a gander at the results. Sweet fancy Moses on a cracker!

• Whitney Houston is legally extricating herself from Bobby Brown. Hopefully she'll get custody of a better weave. Oh yeah! We went there! That's right!

• Heather Mills is alleging that Paul McCartney roughed her up during their marriage. Oh, please. That's like saying you got roofied by Cat Stevens. Paul McCartney? Macca? Seriously? The worst we can picture is him smoking a laced doob and giving a half-hearted slap with some organic radishes or something.

• The wrestlers of the WWE had their way with Kevin Federline the other night. And while the pictures of K-Fed getting body-slammed in the ring are pleasant enough, we can't help but yearn for the quality WWF days of our youth and wish that Junkyard Dog and the Iron Sheik would join forces to tag-team Federline, while Lou Albano shot rubber bands from the sidelines and afterwards, Rowdy Roddy Piper would make a man out of K-Fed during a Backlot Brawl.  

Darling little bundle of secondhand bong smoke Sutton Pierce Federline turned one month old yesterday, although we all have yet to receive official confirmation from the Spears-Federline camp. In a recent radio interview, K-Fed let it slip that not only might the child's name not be Sutton Pierce, but that he might be a she. At this point, we're not even sure Britney gave birth to a baby and not, say, a pangendered Schmoo.  

You may think that Britney Spears looks like one of Rover's especially big turds that's been run over by your neighbor's Suburban and warmed in the afternoon sun, but Kevin Federline thinks she's as sexy as two lesbians in a hot tub full of whipped cream. And if he has to cover all the mirrors in the house with life-size pictures of Angelina Jolie to make Brit believe she's still got it, then he's gonna do it.  

Britney's baby might have a name! Or maybe he doesn't! Maybe Brit and Kevin and thinking about it! Maybe it will take them a couple weeks to get past the prevailing thoughts in their heads (Britney: Durrr, y'all. Kevin: Where's the weed?) and decide on a name! Why must we put exclamation points after every sentence? Why are we so excited? Because we've seen Britney's redesigned website! Britney. Tiger. Britney. Tiger. It may have hypnotized us.  

The National Enquirer claims that Britney Spears gave birth to a son at 2 A.M. today, despite reports that Kevin Federline's fourth inexplicable extension of DNA would take girl form and be named Jailynn and make her entrance unto the world in two days, forever upstaging the birthday of big brother Sean. According to The Enquirer:

"Kevin took Britney to the hospital in the evening hours of Sept. 11 to prepare for the Cesarean birth," an insider said. Only her mother Lynn, and her sister Jamie Lynn were present at the birth. None of Kevin's family was there.
Right after the baby was born, Kevin got the word out to his family and close friends.

Britney's just lucky that she didn't pop the tot out two hours earlier, as a much overlooked amendment to the Constitution states that any children born on September 11th must take for a middle name the names of every person killed on 9/11. Hyphenated, of course, to make it less confusing.  

OK, now they're just fucking with us. We bought the story about Kevin Federline guesting in a small role on CSI. It had quotes 'n' shit, so it was totally legit. Plus, the average viewing age on CBS still hovers around sixty-eight, so Kev could count on failing hearing and eyesight to mask his inadequacies. But a three-episode arc on Entourage? What's next? A pivotal role as a racist-but-ultimately-good-hearted drug dealer in the new Paul Haggis project, Crash 2: Crash Harder?  

Many many moons ago we ran a kooky little story about Britney Spears's aspirations to become a forensic scientist. We heard nothing more on the subject and assumed that Brit had moved on to more accessible dreams, like finally mastering the patting the head while rubbing the belly trick. But in reality Britney wracked her brain for ways to achieve her goal and came up with a stroke of genius: pass on that whole going to college part and just get her husband a role on CSI so he can learn all the tricks from the inside.  

• Kevin Federline claims that on his GED, he got "amazing ass test scores." You know who else aced the amazing ass test? Heather Locklear (see above).

• Shamed superstar Mel Gibson fires up his Razr and sets out on the seemingly insurmountable task of personally apologizing to every Jew in the whole wide world.

• Lindsay Lohan is coming out with her own perfume. Exhaustion by Lindsay Lohan will smell softly of jasmine, raspberry vodka, and pink pepper with bottom notes of firecrotch musk.

• And there is no love lost between Lindsay and her Bobby costar William H. Macy, who says that she "should have her ass kicked." Not such a good idea, Macy, old chum. The ass might be your target of choice, but Lindsay apparently goes for the face.

• Cindy Crawford gets by with a little help from her friends. Her good friends Botox and Collagen.

• The Japanese have given the thumbs up to their previously censored Britney naked posters. Gee, you think the "banning" and "controversy" was only to drum up publicity? Nah.

• Pete Doherty: punched out a male nurse at rehab!

• Pete Doherty: also busted for cocaine in rehab! We don't know about you, but we're really starting to understand what a beautiful, wealthy, iconic supermodel would see in him. What a prize!

• His lyrical edge softened with age, contentment, and wealth, Bruce Springsteen makes a bid for authentic suffering by dumping redheaded wife for redheaded 9/11 widow.  

• Brittany Murphy has ended her engagement to best boy/grip Joe Macaluso. Brittany, do you actually think you're going to be able to do better? He's the BEST boy, for Christ's sake!

• "Kevin Federline mauled by rap community." God, if only that headline were literal.

• Janet Jackson says that fiancé Jermaine Dupri sexually takes her to places she's never been before. Oh, like the Ewok Village? Get it? Cuz he's short.

• Proving you can never have too much of a good thing: even more pictures of the expansive side of Lindsay Lohan's enormous, speckled breast.

• And Lindsay's dad is quite the little Jim Davis, taking pen to paper and cartooning the demons pulling his daughter from his fatherly embrace. Impressive, but we would have drawn Lindsay crying "ACK!" and holding a bikini on a hanger to illustrate her body-image issues.

• A devious, scrawny mammal that steals sneakily, and Kevin Federline. One and the same, friends, but which one has more facial hair?

• Britney angrily refused to allow Jessica Simpson to kiss her pregnant belly, which is the first smart thing Britney's done, child-rearing-wise. Perhaps she didn't want to risk having her fetus get poisoned by toxic, cupcake-scented plumping gloss.

• Beyonce and Jay-Z are planning a $3 million wedding. Bet the courtesy gift bag will be fabulous!

• Jessica Simpson is now hawking hairpieces. What is she, a Mandrell?  

Britney Spears is a fan of human reproduction because she loves to have little ones to look after, she needs playmates who are a bit more mentally advanced than her husband, and because the word uterus makes her giggle. Kevin Federline on the other hand, he loves making babies cause it gets him paid, y'all.  

• K-Fed and Britney want to launch a non-false tabloid Magazine of Truth that doesn't tell any lies or nasty rumors or fun stuff about celebrities. Sorry to piss in your lemonade, but that already exists. It's called People.

• Jessica Simpson's mother does not agree with Papa Joe's willingness to pimp her out. Jessica responds by donning a semi-sheer dress. Nations rejoice, war and poverty and crime end.

• Heath Ledger: what a joker.

• Most actresses like to don an expensive, tasteful, and stunning designer gown to their post-wedding reception. Pam Anderson wears a skipper hat, a $12.99 bikini from Fashion Bug, and naked nipples.

• In some circles, Tom Cruise's crotch is known as The Punisher. Poor Katie Holmes has certainly suffered enough as a result of it.

• And is Tom about to ensnare K-Hole as his legal baby-baking concubine? If oversized planters and outdoor chandeliers are any indication of a Scientological spirit-uniting ceremony (and they certainly should be), then yes.

• What's more entertaining than a Mel Gibson mugshot? Pictures of Mel Gibson, well into his cups, manhandling strange women mere hours before said mugshot.

• Would you like to see Lindsay Lohan's box? Oh, wait, we meant "Lindsay Lohan boxing". So sorry.

• Speaking of Lohan, and nipples, and transparent apparel: Lindsay aped Jessica and ponied up some vague nip. Or did Jessica ape Lindsay? No matter--we're all winners here.  

In the last four months you've worked an average of fifty hours a week, brought home a grand total of maybe, what?, eight, nine thousand dollars, splurged on a nice meal for the family at Red Lobster (with appetizers!), and socked away a couple hundred bucks for next summer's trip to the Jersey shore. In that same time Kevin Federline has pulled in about $700,000 for showing up at some parties, drinking some Mad Dog, bitching about the Pavarotti always following him, and espousing the downness of the penny. We're sure God will understand if you stick a .12 gauge in your mouth right about now.  

• K-Fed is all, "Yo, remember when I did PopoZao? Yo, I was just funnin' y'all. No, surriously. When my REAL shit drops, y'all are gonna go nuts. No, really. PopoZao: just a big ha-ha. I meant to do that. Yo. Yo."

• BREAKING: Hugh Hefner has had sexual intercourse with ladies!!!

• "Elizabeth Hurley See-Through Nipple" does not actually mean that her nipple is transluscent, you realize.

• Hilary Swank tells People that her split from husband Chad "brother of Rob" Lowe was not, in fact, due to her being a huge mega multiple Oscar-winning superstar acting Hollywood juggernaut while he had a few guest spots on CSI: Miami and Medium. It was because he's a druggie. Dun dun DUNNNN!

• Your friend Billy Zane orders his colossally-kanockered girlfriend Kelly Brook to wear only enormous, dowdy underpants. Because he is a bad man.

• Paris Hilton sets sights on passing down the wonkeye gene.

• Kingston Rossdale and Piloh Shitt had a little play date. Ah, yes. Angelina and Brad are already making quite sure that their facially fortunate offspring consorts with only the prettiest peers. Excellent, excellent.

• Our gossip doula, FemaleFirst, agrees with us that Natalie Portman will indeed be naked for real in her next film.

• Keira Knightley says, "I'm not anorexic. But my grandma was. And my great-grandma was. And also, Tracey Gold was."  

Oh, look. Britney and Kevin posed for a picture with Hustler publisher Larry Flynt. Lookin' good, everybody.  

• Vida Guerra displays her ripe rump for mateworthy males in Playboy.

• Daryl Hannah "arrested for farm protest"? What the . . . ? What kind of sick person protests farming?

• Ashlee Simpson's in the new issue of Marie Claire talking about how women should embrace themselves no matter what size or shape and love their flaws. Accompanied by a nice pictorial spread of her showing off her new rhinoplasty, collagen-infused lips, and cantaloupe diet waistline.

• The other day, Britney, Kevin and Federspears the Younger were photographed together for the first time since March. Oh, they're definitely a loving couple fully committed to one another. We're convinced now.

• Paris and Lindsay fight over Stamos Nachos. They just can't get enough of his warm, cheesy goodness.

• Heather Mills McCartney, soon to be defrocked and downgraded to "Just Plain Heather Mills but a $200 million richer Heather Mills so f u very much", makes viewers sing, "Hey Boob/Don't be a prude/Take some naked pics/And make wangs bigger".

• Some kids like football, some kids like video games, some kids like Legos. Pam Anderson's sons' favorite toy is her stripper pole.

• Brittany Murphy may be tinier than a baby flea, but her rack can compete with the best of them.

• You know what isn't tiny? Screech from Saved by the Bell's weenis.

• Jennifer Aniston's got pokies. And she knows how to use 'em.  

Sure we've written about eleventy stories on Britney Spears finally waking up from her contact high and loading up Kevin Federline's hobo pouch, tying it to a stick, and sending him on his way, but she just doesn't seem to have any followthrough. She will never realize that she is married to a complete asshat. Doesn't she comprehend that she's young, rich, and famous? Surely there's some hot pool boy or shrub pruner out there who would love the chance to stow away in the master bedroom and treat her like a queen in exchange for a handsome monthly allowance. Doesn't that sound nice, Brit?  

Britney Spears is finally kicking Kevin out of the house, pulling herself together, and becoming an object of male lust once again. We think. Or maybe the smell of Kevin's feet was so potent that it was triggering her morning sickness and she had to banish him to the basement. But we really, really, really hope it's the former. Because we sincerely miss hot Britney.  

Everbody is saying that Britney Spears almost dropped her baby and is therefore a bad mother. We think she was just playing Sean's favorite game, Bump My Noggin on the Pavement. He learned it from his dad. Only Kevin usually doesn't realize they're playing a game when he stops bouncing Sean on his knee so he can roll another doob and the little tyke falls on his head. But Sean loves it and wants to play it over and over again.  

When Kevin Federline first entered Britney Spears's life (and ours through celeb-ogling extension) we were delighted. It was fun to watch the fall of a superstar; we reveled in her paint-and-Cheese-Nip-stained couture and her unwashed, uncombed hair. We even watched every episode of From Britney to Kevin Britney & Kevin: Chaotic without fast forwarding (that took Popeye-like strength and The Little Engine That Could-like determination). But it's time for a reprieve from the Federline regime. And if it takes Kevin going on a pregnancy-craving strawberry and turkey gravy run and never coming back, then, by gum, we're just going to have to accept that.