Remember when Renée Zellweger and Kenny Chesney were married for less time than it took you to get rid of that persistent itch and then they got divorced and Renée cited fraud as the reason and everyone just assumed that meant that on her wedding night she walked into the honeymoon suite to find Kenny all naked and sweaty with his roadie Julio? We were all wrong. See, Kenny couldn't fully devote himself to Renée because his heart already belonged to another. He'll never love a woman the way he loves a nice pile of clean laundry.  

• Pink says she wants to have lezzie sex with Kelly Osbourne. Well, that makes one of us.

• Jessica Alba pokes our eyes out. With her tits.

• Renée Zellweger's behatted bygone ball and chain Kenny Chesney assures us that he's "pretty firm" in his sexuality. Just pretty firm, though.

• Stamos Nachos learns an important lesson: when driving Paris Hilton's Bentley under the influence while chased by paparazzi and while bystanders are filming the whole melee, do not obscure your drunken double vision with your jacket or you will crash into a truck, leaving your girlfriend no other recourse than to blow kisses at the cops. Oh, please, like we all haven't been there.

• Mischa Barton's publicist once urged her to play hide-the-hot-dog with Leonardo diCaprio to further her career. Mischa expressed digust, not because he looks like a weepy-eyed Pekingese or the fact that he was on Growing Pains and totally has gross Ben Seaver germs, but because he's "like, thirty, or something".

• Jessica Simpson tried to pull an Angelina and went on a humanitarian mission to Africa, only to fake sick. Because she's an asshole.

• Models! Fluffy wings! Horny elves! Tyra Banks's farewell to modeling! Asses curiously devoid of cellulite! Light-up tit-tays! Candy canes! Inexplicable puffballs! High-res pics! Heidi Klum having a better body 8 hours after giving birth than we had at age 16! It's the Victoria's Secret fashion show! Wheeee!

 

Renée Zellweger's estranged, bald, behatted huzzy Kenny Chesney has likened his wife to a big-screen television. Huh. We always thought of her more as a 10 cup rice steamer. Or a Salad Shooter, perhaps.  

Apparently it’s the week of absolutely shocking news. First we’re thrown straight out of our rocking chairs by hearing that Kate Moss does cocaine. Now we’re faced with the truly unbelievable news that Renée Zellweger and Kenny Chesney are having their marriage annulled. If someone tells us that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise’s relationship isn’t based on love or that Kevin Federline can’t even spell “relationship” we may just have a stroke.  

When we first heard that Renée Zellweger had married our favorite boot-scooting boogier Kenny Chesney, we made a bet with our cat Mr. Muffleskin over how long the pairing would last. Mr. Muffleskin had no faith in the celebrity union and claimed that it would be over by the time that ham sandwich in our fridge started growing mold, while we felt that Renée and Kenny had found true and lasting love. It looks like Mr. Muffleskin may win that bet.  

Now that Renée Zellweger has bagged herself a man, she doesn’t seem to care about Oscars and pretty dresses and protruding collarbones anymore. Girl just wants to get nekkid and star in some music videos.  

Lindsay Lohan (apparently today is the day that the world realized that there are only three people that we should be talking about) may soon have one less lollipop-shaped celeb to model herself after, as Renée Zellweger plans to start packing on some pounds. We guess poor Lindz will just have to get tips on how to subsist on nothing but Starbucks and celery sticks from Nicole Richie. And Mary-Kate Olsen. And Kate Bosworth.  

Frankly, there's not much going on in the way of celebrity dirt today. Everyone's still hiding out in their bomb shelters, doing Lamaze breathing and gobbling Oxycontin, trying to wrap their heads around this whole Renée Zellweger-Kenny Chesney thing. We have to admit that we spent a good solid seventeen hours yesterday trying to come up with a clever "Bennifer" nickname for the merry couple. After half-heartedly deciding on "Chesweger", we realized that we kinda didn't care, and they're probably just going to split up in a few months anyway.  

In a shock-and-awe ceremony, Renée Zellweger wed country star Kenny Chesney, who is rumored to be one of Prez Bush's favorite artists and, uh, we'll just leave it at that. The blushing bride wore Carolina Herrera, the groom went barefoot, and the couple allegedly "laughed and cried" during the ceremony, which is pretty fitting since we laughed and cried when we heard about it. Actually, we just laughed.